Treatment Week 6

DONE!!!

I finished my six weeks. The last week, just about every day was a nauseous day. I didn't have too much energy, and I noticed how tired this has made me.

I've been just relaxing and getting back into somewhat of a routine. One of the hobbies I've had lately is finding things for cheap and selling them for more. For example, I got a nice film camera with a good lens, five various lenses, and a smaller film camera all for $70. Everything works, and so far I've sold the big camera for $120, the smaller camera for $25, and two lenses so far for $25 total. So far I've made $100 profit. Boo yah.

HEALTH UPDATE:
As I am finished with treatment, I get to rest up now. I'm still able to do just about anything but find myself with less energy. My neck is pretty red (like a sunburn) from the radiation, but oh man, SO MUCH better than last time.

We will meet again with the doctors on January 19th, about 5 weeks. At that time, we will see where we are at, and discuss the possibly of more chemo (but not radiation- fist pump!). More chemo is not a definite yes, but its not a no.

MISSION UPDATE:
After talking with President Crankshaw last week, he said that whenever I felt good enough, I could start going back again. Wait until I think I could last a whole day down there. He suggested to start off maybe just one or two days a week and work back into it. He said to just work with the temple on talk those details.

I don't know what the future holds, I feel like I have some big decisions to make, but I'm learning more every day to rely on the Lord. It feels like every day has been a challenge lately, especially trying to improve myself at home and being a better family member! I think that's something we could all work on, right?

Spiritual note... I just hit the book of Moroni. It maybe have taken me almost a year, but I'm just about finished with the Book of Mormon. My deadline is Dec 31st.

If you have an extra minute, look up the "40 Days and 40 Nights Challenge"... They have some charts that can help you read the entire Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and New Testament in 40 days each- or the Old Testament in 80 days.

That's all, folks. Keep running.

Treatment Week 5 (Plus a Little Pre-Post Ramble)

Sometimes I have big plans and big ideas for what I want to write or do with this blog. I have all good intentions for it, but the laziness kicks in. So is human nature, right? I can honestly say though, that I'm glad the way things have turned out with what I've written. I wonder how my blog has effected people. That's not my motive, but aren't we all curious as to how our efforts are working?

Point of this rant, I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing. Kapeesh?

Well, week 5 has sucked. Despite the suckiness though, there are some people who are worse off then I am. My sick days were mostly Wednesday and Thursday. I have felt nauseous though all week. Like I've said before, the nausea isn't too bad. I've had the kind of headache you get when you are up too long, so I've been a couch potato a lot.

I have one more week of chemo and radiation. Because of Thanksgiving, I'll have just one radiation treatment after next week. So I've got one full week and a day. BRING IT ON. We meet with Dr Haslem tomorrow, and we'll see what the plan is from here.

Tender mercy of this week. I really wanted to go to FHE on Monday. I've been trying to go to all the things in my ward and stay involved. For a while it almost seemed weird to go to these YSA things when I am a missionary and can't even go on a date for now. But anyway, about FHE, I was hoping that I'd feel okay that night. Anyway, about 6 pm I felt a little sick, took a nausea pill, and was fine. FHE was fun. We went caroling haha. I said a prayer, asking that I could make it through FHE just fine. Prayer was answered! Well, about an hour after I got home, 9 pm roughly, it hit me. I felt pretty sick, took a different nausea pill, and just watched some TV to get my mind off of it. My nausea wasn't taken away completely Monday, but it was delayed. And I'm thankful it was!

That same thing that happened on Monday has happened a couple times again. I'm not home and I feel alright. Shortly after getting home, some nausea or headache or cramps or something hits me. I'm seriously being watched out for.

I was able to go to the temple last night (Saturday). I did baptisms with most of the family... my parents, my brother Justin, sister Ashley, brother Chris, and sister-in-law Allie. It was great!

Keep running!

Treatment Week 4

4 down.
2 to go.


I'm over the hill! 2/3 done. Only two more weeks. Excuse the informal syntax of the following sentence: Aaah aah aah aah aah aah ahh I'm so excited!

Here are 13 thoughts on this last week:

1. I won a caption contest on Facebook Monday. My prize was a day or two of bragging rights. Go ahead and laugh. I like to think I'm pretty witty. (Note: Contest was on Facebook on December 1st. Makes my joke a little more humorous)

2. My skin is starting to look red. It's not my whole neck, it's about 1" x 3" rectangular area underneath my jaw.
[insert picture tomorrow here] :)

3. My throat is still peachy. It feels fine. I am SO happy that I can eat whatever I want. I don't want to be at a point where I'm stuck on liquids. That was a two-time thing (once during radiation in 2010, once when I had a feeding tube from the jaw surgery in 2012).

4. Every time I think of food and the cancer center, I feel sick. I don't know why. I feel fine all week, everything tastes great at home. However, when I get my free food on Mondays, I just don't feel good. And even thinking about it right now makes me a little queasy. I took a picture of my lunch a few weeks ago on Instagram and ended up deleting it last week because I couldn't even look at it. I won't have Sweet & Sour Chicken for a very, very long time. That place is messing with my mind, man.
*Just for the record, hospital food is stereotyped as bland... Cedar's hospital food is good. It's not you, hospital food. It's me.*

5. My queasy days for week four were Monday night, Wednesday, and Thursday.

6. When I say queasy, I mean about 25% of the nausea you're thinking. 75% of it is the tired, headache nausea... you know what I mean?

7. I'm getting over being a little sick. Sore throat, stuffy nose. Nothing too bad. I'm not sure where I got it, but I don't blame anyone. I think I got it from my mom. The plus side here is that I'm okay to get sick... my blood levels are normal so I can fight this off easily. Just no one kiss me for the next few days, okay? Sorry ladies. ;) Oh wait, I couldn't anyway. #missionary

8. If I had a dollar for every engagement or pregnancy announcement I've seen on Facebook lately... (congrats by the way to you people)

9. Saturday and Sunday (the 6th and 7th) were definitely my good days. I went to the temple on Saturday afternoon. And on Saturday night, ice skating!

10. I made some kick butt oreo fudge. Seriously. It tastes amazing.

11. Overall, this is not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm feeling less queasy than I had imagined- very grateful for that!

12. I'm grateful that things work out the way Heavenly Father want them to. I'm grateful to be able to spend a little more time at home. I'm grateful for family, friends, and temple family that have reached out to me.

13. I'M SO BLESSED. Yes, I see a lot of crap in front of me right now. BUT I have so many reasons to be happy. That's what I'm focusing on.



Let's finish these last two weeks. BOOYAH.
Keep running.

Treatment Week 3

3 WEEKS DOWN. 3 TO GO.

Boo yah.

So this week, the week of December 1st, marks week #4. Last week was good. I wasn't feeling good on Monday, Tuesday, and part of Wednesday. The rest of the week went well. I was really grateful that I felt good enough to eat Thanksgiving. 

Some notes from this week:

1. I'm a planner. I've been trying to figure out what days are my bad days, but it's been different every week. Week one was Wednesday and Thursday. Week two was Thursday and Saturday. Week three was Monday, Tuesday, and a little of Wednesday.
2. This sucks. It really, truly does. But on the other hand, I know that the Lord's hand is in everything. I am watched over so much, sometimes I don't realize.
3. You all are amazing. I'm grateful for the love that has been shown to me. THANK YOU.
4. I am truly grateful. Grateful that I have hair. Grateful that my chemo does isn't crazy high. Truthfully, I'm okay. This is easier than I thought it would be.
5. You might remember my last radiation course, almost five years ago. It really effected my neck and throat. A couple weeks into it, I went on a liquid diet because it hurt so bad to get anything else down. That was one of my biggest worries this time. But having just passed over the hill, I'm halfway, I wonder.... I honestly think I'll be able to eat anything I want the whole time. What a blessing.
6. I thought I knew a lot. But really, I've learned a lot MORE about trials. It's at the rough times that truly test our faith. It's when we are at a breaking point that we truly gain/strengthen/realize the testimony that we have. THIS right now is one of my biggest challenges.
7. A bad attitude is not going to fix anything. If anything, it will make things worse. If I had a bad attitude, it doesn't change the fact that I have cancer. It only makes it harder on me, my family, and all those around me. So you're welcome. :D

How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was great. Thanksgiving dinner was great. We had all my siblings out here (which isn't too great a miracle because they all live in Cedar City anyway). I really enjoyed every part about this weekend. We honestly didn't do too much, but we did spend time together. What a blessing.

Happy DECEMBER (Whoa. Already?)

Keep running.

Treatment Week 2

Hello!

Let me finish feeling you in on the rest of how week one was.

I felt really bloated, so in turn gassy, Wednesday and Thursday of last week. As far as nausea, Thursday was probably the worst of it.

Yes, I did just post about my gas on the internet.

From Friday on, I felt almost normal. I went to the temple with Mom on Friday. It was so nice to get there! I saw a lot of familiar faces. :) I went to see Big Hero 6 that night, and the weekend went really well.

Monday was fine. Nothing really out of the ordinary. My chemo went fine. I did feel a little nauseous during the infusion- but more of a headache nausea than stomach nausea. Does that make sense?

Brooke brought Easton to visit, and then later brought Camden. It was fun and brought a little variety to everything going on.

I have honestly felt really good this week. Thursday (two days ago) was a doozy. I didn't feel too great that day, and just watched movies all day. Besides Thursday though, I have felt pretty good for the majority of this week. How great, right?

Today's a busy day. My brother-in-law is running at the college Cross Country National Championships, we are having a man-party during my sister-in-law's baby shower, and I'm going to go down to the temple tonight. Woo!

Keep running.

Social Media

I'm a service missionary.

But that's nothing new to you; well, 99% of you. I started serving as a Church-Service Missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was set apart in July of this year, and soon started my service at the temple.

It's been four months since that time. Four months, almost to the day, that I have been set-apart as a service missionary- July 15th. A service mission is a little different from the two-year and eighteen-month missions you hear about for men and women, respectively. The process of my mission started with my Bishop. From there, I met with my Stake President. My Stake President was ultimately in charge of my mission call, deciding and working out where I'd serve; a full-time mission call comes from Church Headquarters, assigned by inspiration from one of "the Brethren" (A member of the First Presidency or Quorum of the Twelve Apostles), who receive that inspiration from our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.
**And just for the record, my call is no less than a mission. It is inspired as well. My mission may be a little different, but it's still service.**

While preparing for my mission, I met with my stake president a number of times. One of those visits, we discussed that we'd like to make my mission as much of a "mission" as possible; in association with dating, movies, music, television, etc.

At first, I was hard on myself. I wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to serve, and I thought being pretty strict on my association with media would help me like I'd hope. It took me less than a week to realize how much of a challenge that was; working at the temple half-days, living at home with my family, and being in a YSA ward. With help from my parents, and from my Stake President, I have defined some rules for myself to be a missionary and to not drive myself crazy.

I put out my last post on both Twitter and Instagram, and decided I'd still be on Facebook, and post uplifting things. I came up with a system: my nephew, Camden, is three-years-old. If he could watch a certain movie, I could too. So in essence, wiped out the possibility of watching those "grown-up" movies and TV shows. I stand by the "Camden-appropriate" method. It was a good idea for a missionary wanting to live the best way, without being a full-time missionary in a new area, being with a companion and strictly focusing on the gospel- which is nowhere near a bad thing!

I've finally come to terms. I can't be a missionary like we always think of. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not being disobedient and I'm really grateful that lately, I've been able to rely on the Spirit, and see the guidance from our Heavenly Father. My mission is specifically designed for me, and I feel like a big part of the missionary work I've done in my lifetime has been through social media- mainly this blog and Facebook.

-----

I was blog-hopping one day; I found a friend's sister's friend's blog. I don't know the writer of this blog, but I bookmarked the post because I found it perfectly in line with my thoughts today. The link can be found here.

My intentions were to stay off of Twitter and Instagram. You wouldn't see any posts from me for a year, the duration of my mission. I'd just get on Facebook to post uplifting things. But I'll admit, that's where I've fallen short. I browse my News Feed. I try to limit myself on Facebook. It's something I'm working on. I've been thinking about getting back on Instagram again for a while- with the same intentions as Facebook- post good things and don't stay on very long. While the big challenge is to limit my time, I finally decided improve my social media exposure- not to browse those sites, but to share goodness, using the internet for good while staying away from the bad. (Read something cool about sharing goodness here)

One reason I decided to start sharing goodness was because of the recent
news of my cancer treatments, I thought it would be good to express the
good I've found from the treatments. But that was not my main purpose.

There is a lot of bad out there. But there is also a lot of good. Satan wins that much more every time someone decides not to act for good. I am fighting against the adversary; I am fighting for the Lord; I am sharing goodness.

Join with me to share the good you see around you. If you are not religious, share something of good, with the intent to make the world a better place. It doesn't have to be with social media, it can be with anything. Do a service for someone. Improve a life. Maybe even your own.

As always,

#keeprunning

#sharegoodness

Treatment Week 1

Well, the time has come.

I had my first chemo treatment yesterday. It went well, I feel like. As well as it can go?

My schedule on Mondays is this:

8:30 am LABS

9:00 am RADIATION

9:30 am CHEMO

There was a power outage on Saturday, so the radiation machine took a little bit longer to power up. I didn't get back to radiation til about 9:30ish. I came back, and we started my IV meds.

First, I got a small IV of steroids, to help with nausea.
Next, I got anti-nausea (Zofran), to help with nausea.
:)
After that, a bag of fluids- hydration.
Then the chemo, Cisplatin.
After that baby was done, another bag of fluids.

I named my IV pole Gladys. She and I are going to have weekly dates, every Monday. ;) No one get jealous, now.

Because the Cisplatin processes a lot in the kidneys, I was given so much fluids. And it worked, because I went to the bathroom SIX times there, between 9:00 am and 2:00 pm.

So far, I haven't felt too shabby. I've felt a tiny, tiny bit of nausea, but nothing too bad at all. I can already feel that my throat is a little sore.

---

It hasn't really sunk in that I'm not down at the temple, because today is usually my P-day, and yesterday I was supposed to be on the grounds. I'm sure it's really going to sink in later this week. It sucks, yes, but I'm glad that we are taking proactive measures to kick this cancer in the butt. FOR GOOD.

Bring it on, Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma, bring it on.

Keep running.

The Suckiest Suck That Ever Sucked

I haven't really updated on my health in a little while. So let's get right down to it, shall we?

I had a surgery back in September up at the Huntsman. The surgery went quick, well, and I had a fast recovery. BUT a few weeks later, after a check-up, we were told that there is still a positive margin for the cancer, meaning that it's still there.

We talked with the Huntsman, and we talked with the doctors here at the Cancer Center here in Cedar. After much prayer and decisions, I felt that Cedar was the best option and the best way to go, especially with the plan they had set up.

---

So here's the real kick... I'm starting chemo and radiation treatments THIS Monday, Nov 10th. Yep. Treatments will last six weeks. Radiation five times a week (30 total treatments), with chemo once a week (6 total treatments). The chemo will in essence aid the radiation, and with both treatments together, the hope is good for success. I had been told before that chemo is not very successful with my type of cancer. However, it's purpose is to help the radiation. It can be compared to washing a pot... either scrubbing it, or letting it soak in water and soap, and then scrubbing it. Both treatments will be stronger together.

Radiation: Last time, the radiation covered basically from ear to ear on my neck. This time it will be more localized. It's at the same facility that I had it before, at the Cancer Center in Cedar City. I'm blessed to have an old scout leader and friend as the radiation therapist, so I'll get to see him every day (except I wish I saw him in a different place!)

Chemo: Chemo will start on Monday, and be administered once a week, every Monday, through an IV. I'll have some "before and after" IV's as well, and total it will take about four to five hours. The technical name of the chemo is Cisplatin. It's a lower dose, so I won't be feeling AS crappy as you might think when you hear the word chemo. One of our nurses, Cheryl, explained that I will be probably have some nausea, slight hair loss, and some throat pain. The biggest thing I can do is stay hydrated and keep my weight where it's at.

---

I thought I couldn't be radiated again? I thought so, too. It's been almost five years since I've had radiation- February and March of 2010. The question of why that changed... I don't know. I just know that the doctors are planning to be really careful of my voice box, mandible (jaw bone), and the risks that come from 2nd time radiation.

What does this mean for my mission? To feel the full effects from the radiation will take about two weeks. For the chemo, probably less than a week. After last time's radiation, I know I need to take at least some time off from my mission at the temple. If it was just the radiation I was receiving, I would go for maybe two more weeks. For the sake of less worrying, full concentration on my health, and just in case I start to feel really crappy and I'm stuck down in St George, along with some prayer and talking with doctors and my priesthood leaders, I've decided it to be best if I am done at the temple after this week. I'll go into my treatments fully focused on letting my body heal. It's hard. It was a hard choice. I want to stay at the temple, but I feel peace about how everything is set up. I'm still set-apart as a "service missionary." It's upsetting because I have wanted to serve for a while, get to, and now this. Let's be honest. Cancer sucks. Once all the treatments are over, and I'm feeling back to normal, I'll go back to the temple.

What about Immune system? Blood counts? As you may or may not know, chemo kills off the fast growing cells, cancer cells, blood cells, the lot. Every person is different, so my blood levels will be monitored every week, and if my levels are too low, the doc will probably postpone a treatment. We'll kind of see how we go on this one. Cheryl recommended that we make sure bathrooms and the kitchen are clean here at the house, and to stay away from places that have a lot of germs, like a buffet. Crowds I could handle, meaning that I'll still be able to go to church, but if my levels start to drop, I'll be pulling away from crowds more.

Can I have visitors? By all means, YES. PLEASE come hang out with me. Come visit. :) The only requirement is that one, I am feeling okay; and two, you are healthy. Be up for washing your hands or a little Germ-X here. If you've had a vaccine in the last two weeks, wait a little while to come. You can stop by, or shoot me a text, or call the house. And if you want/need any of those numbers, I'll let you decide how to reach me for them.

Just a word of warning... Do not give me the puppy dog eyes, or I'll hurt you. Ha ha. I know it sucks that I have to go through this. Trust me. And you can talk to me about that kind of stuff if you want. Don't be afraid to keep any questions or anything from me. Nothing's taboo to talk about, but don't you dare say, "Erik, I'm so so SO sorry that you have to go through this." Got it? Good. 

Spiritual-wise, emotional-wise, I'm doing good. I've felt peace at doctors appointments. I've even humored the doctors and nurses. I know that the Lord has his hand in this, and that I'm going to be okay. I know that blessings will come out of this, sometime or another. I know that the trials I seem to be having on a continual basis will ultimately make me a better person. That's what we all want, right? I've got an amazing support system of family, friends, ward family, and even some now temple family!

I am not perfect. No one on this earth is. And I know that I'll have my bad days. The reality of it all kind of hit me last night, this is what I'm facing. Even though I am still happy, it doesn't mean that I won't be down at times. I have been down a few times already. In fact, I think this is the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

It's because of the ups- in spite of the downs- that I choose to fight; I know that life is a gift, our Heavenly Father is in charge, and that we are not given any trial or test we can't handle. Faith in Jesus Christ and His gospel- no matter how hard or trying- will make it worth it in the end.



I was introduced to this song a couple months ago, and it has such a good message. Especially when hard times hit.

 

Keep running.

Life With MORE Than A Fibula

Did you know I'm missing a fibula? ;)

"Missing" might not be the right word.

In December of 2012, almost two years ago, I was faced with harsh news:

Cancer recurrence. This time, the cancer is in your jaw bone. The fix? Removing all of a fibula, except for the top and bottom 3-4"... so that the ligaments, tendons, etc. wouldn't be messed with.

On December 13, 2012, after finishing my semester finals only the day before, I underwent a 13 hour surgery. In this surgery, the doctors removed the fibula from my left leg, removed 2/3 of my mandible (lower jaw), and replaced the mandible with a portion of my fibula- among other things, which is not an important detail right now.

It sounds painful, and to be honest, it was. For a little bit. Getting out of bed to walk was definitely a hard hill to climb in my stay in the hospital.

My dad, me, and Haymitch the PT

I had given some thought to starting a blog, to getting my story out there, to sharing my experiences with others. In January 2013, a month after this surgery, "Life Without A Fibula" was born. I credit myself to coming up with this fancy, catchy (at least I think so) title. I have kept up with my medical journey over the last few years. I share my experiences of living life without a fibula.

Although I am living life without a fibula, life with only one fibula, I am living with SO much more than that. Let me tell you what I mean.

In a revelation given to Joseph Smith, Jr., the prophet of the restoration of the gospel on the earth in the 1800s, the Lord explains a little something about trials:

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaw of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7)

What could possibly be good about going through hard things? A man named Orson F. Whitney said:

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God ... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.

You may not believe what I do. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, often called a "Mormon." I have the faith, belief, and testimony as to why we are here on the earth, and where we are going when this life is over. I believe that we are on this earth to learn and grow.

Earth life can be compared to leaving home for college. Once on our own, we choose for ourselves if we will follow what we know or believe is right. We are not obeying only to please our parents, who are no longer right with us, teaching us the way to go. As we left the presence of our Heavenly Father, we: one, gained a physical body; and two, are given the chance through our agency to obey the word of God.

---

Life is more than our deficiencies, our weaknesses, our regrets, our insecurities. It's not about the pain we've felt, but the good we experience. It's not about the hardships in life, but the blessings we see. It's not what we don't have, but what we DO have. 

As stated before, I am living with so much more than just one fibula. Just a few good things I live with are:

An eternal family. I know that families can be together forever. I know that the family is central to God's plan. The gospel is all about families. Being in a family doesn't mean that things are always easy and peaceful, but it does mean that we are growing and learning together. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else for eternity except my family.

The blessings of the temple. The temple is the House of the Lord, and as such, it is a reverent and holy place. I know that I can feel the presence of our Lord in His house. I have the amazing opportunity of serving a mission there, five days a week. One day is out of the grounds, and the other four days I am inside the temple in different areas. I am grateful for the peace that comes from the temple, and the work done there is holy and eternal.
My patriarchal blessing. Everyone, after being baptized a member of the Church, is entitled to a patriarchal blessing. In this blessing (which comes from the Lord, through a patriarch) is for the benefit of the receiver. In this blessing is personal guidance, blessings, and truth directed to you. My patriarchal blessing has been a huge comfort to me as I read and re-read it (yes, the blessing is recorded, transcribed and delivered to you- so you can read it as often as you want).


The atonement of Jesus Christ. I have been taking a class on the Atonement in Institute. The atonement is what makes the difference between our imperfect lives and returning to our Heavenly Father again. The atonement is what enables us, redeems us, and uplifts us. It is through Christ that we are saved, after all we can do. What do we need to do? LET the atonement change our lives.

I may have lost physically, some have it worse. I have gained spiritually, more than I thought I could. The gospel is amazing, in that sense. Because I choose to look at what I have, because of the gospel, because of Jesus Christ, because of the atonement, I am HAPPY. Truly, happy.

Keep running!

Something About the Sun

When I received news that my cancer was back, about this time two years ago, it was hard for me to make "the call," and to let all my friends know what I had just received news about.

I still remember sitting in my truck, parked on the curb outside of Dairy Queen, just about to start my shift. It was hard to tell my friends this news. But hey, I was headed to a place where I could make all the free ice cream I wanted. And free ice cream makes everyone happy, doesn't it? Just kidding.

One friend in particular, I had become close with that semester. She and I had been on a date, and the best quality I think she has is her overwhelming love of the gospel- it radiates through her attitude, and she is always smiling. When I told her the news, she was sad. Just like I was. Her perspective really helped me in light of the news.

She called me and said, "Erik! I have a little present I want to give to you. Do you want to stop by sometime and get it?"

I explained that I was about to go to work, and I'd be done around 11:45 that night. She said, "Okay, well let me know when you are done!"

When she said that, I knew it was going to be something pretty neat. Neat enough to want to give to me at just about midnight. But really, what college student is asleep by midnight on a Saturday night?

After work, I gave her a call. She lived in on-campus housing, so she told me to meet her down by the lobby doors. She handed me a little envelope, gave me a smile and some well-wishing words and told me goodnight. I walked back and got in my car, and just sat. I opened the envelope and the top of the page said "10 Reasons to be Happy!" and was filled with reasons of blessings that I have, despite the bad news I just received.

That list has been hanging in my room for the last two years. I look at it a lot. It reminds me that there are always blessings. All you have to do is look.

---

The first reason on my list of "10 Reasons to be Happy!" was this:

I have

1. You are alive, and the sun is still shining! (Well, depending on what time of the day you read this)

I have looked at this list many times in the last two years. Just last week, it hit me.... the sun is still shining!

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized: the sun is always shining!

Think about it: the sun never stops shining. It is us that think the sun isn't there, when in reality, it is just shining on the other side of the world. So the question is: where in the world are you?

Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten Son of the Father. I don't think that the word "sun" was just randomly made up. I know that our Savior is the reason that is is always sunny, spiritually speaking.

Have you ever been on an airplane? Think of an overcast day. You arrive and it's not too bright outside. The sky is a whitish/dark blue. Once you are on your plane, it backs off from the terminal. It heads to the runway, and slowly, lifts off the ground, and you are traveling away from the airport- that quick. Slowly, it ascends, through the clouds and higher in the sky. For a minute, the clearance is barely anything. All you can be seen outside the window is cloud. But when you have risen above all the clouds, higher into the sky, you see the sun. It's still bright. The sky is bluer than blue. And below, you see nothing but the clouds you just rose above. The sun was shining the whole time.

When the world seems dark, when trials seem unending, when it seems like there is no light in your life... remember that there always is! Just do one thing: change your thinking. Think happier. Think brighter.

Thanks, Nicole. I don't think you realized how deep your advice was.

Keep running.

Revealing Our True Character

I chatted with a friend the other day. She asked me, "Why do you think God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?"

What would you say? Think about it for a second. And after you've taken a little bit, let me share with you a few of my big "I wonder why I was tested in this way..." thoughts. ***Disclaimer : These really don't compare with being asked to sacrifice your son.

Example A: I'm weird. I don't mind public speaking. I don't mind as much putting myself out there. Talking in Sacrament meeting was a cinch. Teaching a lesson, guiding a discussion for an entire hour, terrified me. Last school year, I was called to be an Elders Quorum Instructor. I taught in Elders Quorum about once a month-ish. I could have easily said, "No. Teaching is not for me."

Example B: I love running. I ran cross country in high school. I was one of those crazy kids who just loves to run. After high school, I ran a half-marathon and seriously just LOVED it. I would easily do it again. As you might recall, most of my fibula was removed from my left leg to reconstruct my mandible. The doctors said that I can run, but it might not be that easy. And I'd have a really hard time running something like a half-marathon.

So my answer to her question?
I think God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac  because he loved his son so much. You remember that Sariah had trouble having a baby for years. To truly test our faith [and obedience], I think the greater our love for what is being tested, the more true our action and response really is.

For example, say you own two vehicles, a beautiful sports car that you really love, and a minivan that you kinda like, but gets the job done. With the factor of the cost of the vehicle and repairs thrown to the side, and assuming no injuries occured, would you be more upset if your sports car that you loved was totaled? Or your minivan?

Maybe think about it in the way that our Heavenly Father possibly sees it. I really don't want to see my child suffer, but seeing how he/she reacts to the hardest of challenge will reveal who they truly are, good or bad.

There are hardly any trials that don't impact us in some way. But those trials can really show our character. They can change us, show us a better way to live (maybe more post-trial), and help us gain an eternal perspective and/or testimony.

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While are trials really are trying, its important to realize something. In 1 Corinthians 10:13, it talks about temptation. But I also believe you could switch out "temptation" for "trial", "tempted" for "tried"...

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

That is so comforting to know that no matter how hard the road may seem ahead, walking down it is possible.

If in an hour, you were faced with a hard trial, and given the choice to go through with faith and be obedient, or to shy away and follow your own guidance rather than the Lord's, what would you do? Evaluate yourself. I sure have done some self-evaluation on myself. Each time I straighten my course to resemble the will of the Father, I am never disappointed. I am never left alone. And I am brought to see a greater miracle. A greater way. Much greater than if I were to shy away.

"Have I not commanded thee, be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed. For the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

Keep running!

Here We Go Again

If you know me, you know that there is always something going on in the life of Erik Gray. If it's not one thing, it's another. Maybe it's my natural tendency to stay busy. Maybe it's just the way I am. Sometimes, it's something I have control over. Sometimes, it's not.

The last month has been ridiculously crazy. But as crazy as it has been, it has been that much of ridiculous awesomeness (excuse my possibly horrible grammar there).

This and a few other pictures are blurry because the front screen on my
phone is cracked. One of the cracks is right above part of the camera. :)

In July alone, I have jumped off a 25-foot cliff at 2000 Flushes (technically... last day of June), hiked to Squaw Cave, gone fishing, hiked to the secret waterfall, went on a "bro"ad trip, wakeboarded, waterskiied, and drove a Jet Ski at Lake Powell, played Barnyard, drove through the middle of nowhere- eastern Utah, got my mission call, gave my farewell talk, went on a full-moon hike, spent a weekend in St George with the family, became an official service missionary, got a new suit, started my mission, met with a member of the temple presidency, spent 6 days in a row at a temple, went to the Jordan River Utah Temple, and one other thing...

... found out my cancer has returned.

Patrick perfectly explains how I feel toward cancer.

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Last week, we went up to a checkup at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. The Physician's Assistant had a Pathology team come to take a biopsy. (Big words, I know: My doctor's sidekick told the people who look under the microscope to poke me in the neck and take a tiny sample of my lump.) Upon arrival, they explained what they were going to do. They said that they could let us know right then if the biopsy is (unofficially) the cancer or not.

The pathologists looked under the microscope, and were packing up. I asked them what they saw, if they could have some idea of what it was. I was ready for the news because they hadn't already said anything: "It does look suspicious of recurrent cancer."

I've never had that feeling of hearing bad news and feeling like I had been hit by a bag of bricks. Maybe, this time especially, is because deep down I knew it was coming. It's a blessing to be in tune with your body, because in my case, I caught it again pretty early. The CT scan showed no sign of spread, and that the cancer is just in that one lump. Thank goodness.

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I'm not sad, I'm not happy. I am grateful for a handful of things; doctors, modern medicine, the Plan of Salvation, my family, my beliefs, and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I can't help but think, "Why has my cancer come back? Is there something I should have done better? Is there another lesson I need to learn?" But in all honesty, I might not ever know why my cancer is back. Again. And that's okay with me...

I believe that our Heavenly Father (with whom we lived as spirit beings before we came to this Earth life to gain a physical body, learn to choose for ourselves, and learn what is necessary to become like Him and live like Him- if we are faithful- after this life) is loving. I know, without a doubt, that He is watching over us; that He will never leave us unloved, alone, or forgotten. I know that no matter what trials we go through, either because of our mistakes, others' mistakes, or no one's mistake, is for our benefit. I can tell you that I have seen so many improvements in my life, after the hardships I have gone through.

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I will be undergoing a 3-hour surgery on September 8th, followed by an overnight stay. I serve at the temple right now, 5 days a week. The temple is closed for a month for maintenance, starting August 25th. I won't even have to worry about missing time at the temple.

When my Dad and I went to the Jordan River Utah Temple last week, I read a section in the scriptures; Doctrine & Covenants Section 58, a portion reads: "For after much tribulation come the blessings... the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand." I know that coming across that section in the Doctrine & Covenants inside the temple wasn't an accident.

I am constantly reminded every single day that I am loved. I won't be left comfortless. That comfort has come through a number of things... scriptures, feelings, personal revelation, family members, and other people- including seeing people I know inside the temple- which is the coolest feeling.

"Remember, you are not alone. The Savior has promised that He will not leave you comfortless. You also have family, friends, and leaders who are cheering you on" ("Your Four Minutes", Gary E. Stevenson, April 2014 General Conference).

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As I face this extra bump in the road, the advice I give to you, to myself, to anyone who is facing tough times ahead:

1. You are never alone. 
2. Turn to the scriptures, prayer, and family often. Not just when you are having a hard time... do it even when things are going great.
3. Remember the good times in your life.
4. Remember that life isn't always easy. But it isn't always hard.
5. You might be having a rough time right now, but it will get better.
6. Find yourself a role model to look up to. Mine is the Savior.
7. Do what makes you happy.
8. Make some happy memories.
9. If you are in the hospital, make the most of it. Tell your doctor a joke. Play a prank on your nurse. Talk with the person who comes to take your blood pressure.
10. Write in your journal, or your blog. Wherever you write, write it down. You might just thank yourself someday.

Keep running.

First Day on the Job

First day of my service schedule? Check. The last two weeks have been a little interesting, but now that I'm into my schedule, it's time to get rockin'.

Today, I worked on the grounds from 8 a.m. to noon. Just a few observations I noticed today:
1. St George is hot in July. But thank goodness we were done at noon and not any later.
2. I have done so good at keeping myself hydrated. I was sweating bullets.
3. The temple is amazing, and beautiful. And huge. And even for being white, it shines (envision a heavenly choir... "aawwwwww")!
4. Elder Johnson, another missionary at the temple, with whom I worked with today, is a cool guy!!

I'm so excited, truly, to continue my time at the temple. I'm grateful to not only serve there, but really- the power and blessings that happen inside and come from it. I'm grateful for the knowledge of the gospel that I have; families can be sealed for eternity, this life isn't the end, and Jesus Christ, our Savior, is the reason why we are never alone!

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HEALTH UPDATE: I have been feeling great, as usual. I've been catching up on sleep I've lost from the endless nights of hanging out during the year. I have a check-up with one of Dr Hunt's assistants tomorrow, and then again with Dr Hunt himself in a few weeks.

I'll keep you followers, friends, family, etc out there posted on how things go. I am reminded with every checkup that things are in the Lord's hands, so I really have no need to worry, as long as I'm living right. My brother sent me this scripture last night for my first day "on the job"...

"Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.”
—Alma 36:3

Also, look at the picture I snapped this morning, and then the picture I just barely got here in Cedar... apparently "opposition in all things includes the weather, too. ;)

Keep running.

Hey! Guess What?

So guess what? I'm a missionary. Yup, it happened. For those of you who are uninformed, or just want to hear the whole story, here's how it went down.

Back in the spring, I knew that I wanted to serve a service mission. What exactly is that? Well, in simplest terms, part-time glorified volunteered work. I started the process with my Young Single Adult (YSA) ward Bishop and Stake President. With a service mission, you basically get to choose in which capacity you serve.

After months of meeting with my Bishop and Stake President, who deserve a HUGE thank you, everything had been set. I found out a week from last Sunday, July 6th. I am to be a temple worker in the St. George temple!

I will be down there 5 days a week- every day except Sunday and Tuesday, which is my Preparation day. I will be doing something different each day, which includes working in the cafeteria, grounds, baptistry, and being a patron for the "upstairs" ordinances. Once I am more familiar with those ordinances, I can eventually have the opportunity to be an official ordinance worker.

YAHOOO!!!! Right? The scariest thing about all of this is how fast is has come together. On July 6th, I had no idea when I would be called, when I would start, all of that information. I met with my Stake President that afternoon, and found out that my call would be coming in a few days in the mail, my set apart date would be the 15th, and my start date would be the 18th. I talked with my home ward Bishop to schedule a time for my farewell, which was the 13th, only a week away.

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If you did the math from that last paragraph, you realize that right now? Yes, I am officially a church service missionary. As of yesterday. As this isn't a full-time mission, my rules are a little different.

1) I will still be living at home. I am able to keep up with my health concerns if they come up, and able to maintain doctors checkups. I'll see my family everyday. Like I said- part-time gloried volunteer work. A full-time mission with a rigorous schedule might be too much for me to handle. With my mission, I am able to completely take care of my body, which is the most important thing for someone who has been through what I have, while still being able to serve! Thanks for watching out for me, Heavenly Father.

2) I will still be attending my YSA ward. I am excited to still be in the ward I have spent the last year in and be around some friends I have known and love. The only difference is this year, I won't be hanging out as often as I did last year.

3) As for dates? Nope. Friends, I can still do a little bit with. Not crazy adventures, but maybe some lunches or hikes here
and there, as long as it doesn't interfere with my call as a church service missionary and maintains an environment worthy enough for the Spirit to be in.

4) I can still watch TV and movies and go on the computer, but it is suggested that I only do those things that invite the Spirit to stay with me. So, I'm giving up "regular" music, all of the action movies, etc. I said goodbye to my Instagram and Twitter for the next year. As for Facebook, I won't be browsing my News Feed or getting on the site nearly as much. I've decided to post quotes and good things on there. And of course, links to this blog.

5) The normal missionary rights weekly to his parents and family, and any others that write him. Right now, I can tell you that I'm still working on this one. I don't know if I will send an email out, or just post once a week in that regard on this blog. Whatever I decide, I would love to still maintain this blog. It's been such a blessing for me to write down my experiences, especially to look back on in the future.

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I'm glad I am able to serve. I never thought I would serve in a capacity like this, but let me tell you, I am just downright excited. Thank you for all your kind words, support, and love you've shown me as I have gotten ready to serve this mission.

I won't really say goodbye. More like, see ya around?

I'm excited for my part-time glorified volunteer work! That's really what it is- glorified. The temple is an amazing place to serve. Stop by sometime!

Keep running!

Picture Post

Wow. It's been quite a while since I last wrote. How are you all doing??

Since I last wrote:

Dental Implants! They're in! And they're better than ever.

Adventures:

Chip Hunting

Climbing to the top of the world! (or at least Zion)

Cathedral Gorge, coolest place ever

I got my Associates. And Chris got his Bachelors!

Meeting new people

Offroading!

April Fools

Improving my photography:

And probably my favorite:

Went through the St George temple!

I cannot explain how grateful I really am for this gospel. Life is hard. Life is difficult. That's just how it is. But everything that I love, everything that makes me happy, ESPECIALLY the gospel, makes this hard life that much better. That much worth it. Keep on keepin' on.

Keep running!