Treatment Week 5 (Plus a Little Pre-Post Ramble)

Sometimes I have big plans and big ideas for what I want to write or do with this blog. I have all good intentions for it, but the laziness kicks in. So is human nature, right? I can honestly say though, that I'm glad the way things have turned out with what I've written. I wonder how my blog has effected people. That's not my motive, but aren't we all curious as to how our efforts are working?

Point of this rant, I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing. Kapeesh?

Well, week 5 has sucked. Despite the suckiness though, there are some people who are worse off then I am. My sick days were mostly Wednesday and Thursday. I have felt nauseous though all week. Like I've said before, the nausea isn't too bad. I've had the kind of headache you get when you are up too long, so I've been a couch potato a lot.

I have one more week of chemo and radiation. Because of Thanksgiving, I'll have just one radiation treatment after next week. So I've got one full week and a day. BRING IT ON. We meet with Dr Haslem tomorrow, and we'll see what the plan is from here.

Tender mercy of this week. I really wanted to go to FHE on Monday. I've been trying to go to all the things in my ward and stay involved. For a while it almost seemed weird to go to these YSA things when I am a missionary and can't even go on a date for now. But anyway, about FHE, I was hoping that I'd feel okay that night. Anyway, about 6 pm I felt a little sick, took a nausea pill, and was fine. FHE was fun. We went caroling haha. I said a prayer, asking that I could make it through FHE just fine. Prayer was answered! Well, about an hour after I got home, 9 pm roughly, it hit me. I felt pretty sick, took a different nausea pill, and just watched some TV to get my mind off of it. My nausea wasn't taken away completely Monday, but it was delayed. And I'm thankful it was!

That same thing that happened on Monday has happened a couple times again. I'm not home and I feel alright. Shortly after getting home, some nausea or headache or cramps or something hits me. I'm seriously being watched out for.

I was able to go to the temple last night (Saturday). I did baptisms with most of the family... my parents, my brother Justin, sister Ashley, brother Chris, and sister-in-law Allie. It was great!

Keep running!

Life With MORE Than A Fibula

Did you know I'm missing a fibula? ;)

"Missing" might not be the right word.

In December of 2012, almost two years ago, I was faced with harsh news:

Cancer recurrence. This time, the cancer is in your jaw bone. The fix? Removing all of a fibula, except for the top and bottom 3-4"... so that the ligaments, tendons, etc. wouldn't be messed with.

On December 13, 2012, after finishing my semester finals only the day before, I underwent a 13 hour surgery. In this surgery, the doctors removed the fibula from my left leg, removed 2/3 of my mandible (lower jaw), and replaced the mandible with a portion of my fibula- among other things, which is not an important detail right now.

It sounds painful, and to be honest, it was. For a little bit. Getting out of bed to walk was definitely a hard hill to climb in my stay in the hospital.

My dad, me, and Haymitch the PT

I had given some thought to starting a blog, to getting my story out there, to sharing my experiences with others. In January 2013, a month after this surgery, "Life Without A Fibula" was born. I credit myself to coming up with this fancy, catchy (at least I think so) title. I have kept up with my medical journey over the last few years. I share my experiences of living life without a fibula.

Although I am living life without a fibula, life with only one fibula, I am living with SO much more than that. Let me tell you what I mean.

In a revelation given to Joseph Smith, Jr., the prophet of the restoration of the gospel on the earth in the 1800s, the Lord explains a little something about trials:

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaw of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7)

What could possibly be good about going through hard things? A man named Orson F. Whitney said:

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God ... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.

You may not believe what I do. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, often called a "Mormon." I have the faith, belief, and testimony as to why we are here on the earth, and where we are going when this life is over. I believe that we are on this earth to learn and grow.

Earth life can be compared to leaving home for college. Once on our own, we choose for ourselves if we will follow what we know or believe is right. We are not obeying only to please our parents, who are no longer right with us, teaching us the way to go. As we left the presence of our Heavenly Father, we: one, gained a physical body; and two, are given the chance through our agency to obey the word of God.

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Life is more than our deficiencies, our weaknesses, our regrets, our insecurities. It's not about the pain we've felt, but the good we experience. It's not about the hardships in life, but the blessings we see. It's not what we don't have, but what we DO have. 

As stated before, I am living with so much more than just one fibula. Just a few good things I live with are:

An eternal family. I know that families can be together forever. I know that the family is central to God's plan. The gospel is all about families. Being in a family doesn't mean that things are always easy and peaceful, but it does mean that we are growing and learning together. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else for eternity except my family.

The blessings of the temple. The temple is the House of the Lord, and as such, it is a reverent and holy place. I know that I can feel the presence of our Lord in His house. I have the amazing opportunity of serving a mission there, five days a week. One day is out of the grounds, and the other four days I am inside the temple in different areas. I am grateful for the peace that comes from the temple, and the work done there is holy and eternal.
My patriarchal blessing. Everyone, after being baptized a member of the Church, is entitled to a patriarchal blessing. In this blessing (which comes from the Lord, through a patriarch) is for the benefit of the receiver. In this blessing is personal guidance, blessings, and truth directed to you. My patriarchal blessing has been a huge comfort to me as I read and re-read it (yes, the blessing is recorded, transcribed and delivered to you- so you can read it as often as you want).


The atonement of Jesus Christ. I have been taking a class on the Atonement in Institute. The atonement is what makes the difference between our imperfect lives and returning to our Heavenly Father again. The atonement is what enables us, redeems us, and uplifts us. It is through Christ that we are saved, after all we can do. What do we need to do? LET the atonement change our lives.

I may have lost physically, some have it worse. I have gained spiritually, more than I thought I could. The gospel is amazing, in that sense. Because I choose to look at what I have, because of the gospel, because of Jesus Christ, because of the atonement, I am HAPPY. Truly, happy.

Keep running!

Here's to the Last

Tomorrow, April 24th is a pretty important day. Firstly, it's Nala Hall's birthday (happy birthday!). Secondly, it's a pretty substantial day in my road to recovery.

(This might be old news to some of you, so brace yourselves)

In December 2012, 16 months ago, I underwent a tremendous surgery after receiving news that my cancer had come back. This time, it was in my jaw. Using my fibula, they replaced half of my lower jaw. Yeah. It's a medical miracle all in itself. Crazy, right? Because they replaced the jaw, all but four of my lower teeth were removed. And I've been without them for the last 16 months.

It's not as hard as you might think. It is hard, but I'm so used to eating on my left side and talking that some people don't even know I have teeth missing, another miracle all in itself.

As time has gone on, we have talked with doctors about dental implants, because who wants to be without almost half of all their teeth for the rest of their lives? Certainly not me.

We've been blessed beyond compare with having access to such an awesome facility like the Huntsman Cancer Institute so close. We found a doctor in Salt Lake as well who specializes in dental implants and dental reconstruction. Last summer, we went to him for a consult. Throughout the process, I was bumped down to three bottom teeth left. Here's the just of how it all went down:

August 2014: First procedure to drill the bases into my bone. These are what the implants screw into.

December: Cut down tissue.

January 2014: Cut down tissue again, put in the caps so the tissue will heal around it (if you have looked in my mouth recently and seen all the metal pieces, this is what those are).

Feb/March-ish: Fitted and impressions of my teeth and bite made for the "bridge", the base that the teeth are put on.

March: Two weeks later, the bridge had come back from being made. We tried it in. It fit. After this appointment they started work on putting the actual teeth on.

Which brings us to tomorrow. The implant is ready to go. And I am so SERIOUSLY freaking excited. Basically, it's like Christmas.

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As per tradition, we have sort of a "last supper", so to speak, the night before a surgery or procedure. It's been places like Red Robin, In-N-Out, whatever sounds good. Tonight's plan, Red Robin.

The best thing about tonight's "last supper" is that it's the LAST one. No more surgeries or procedures planned for my neck or teeth (knock on wood).

It's amazing finally being at the end of the tunnel of this trial (once again, knocking on wood here). I have seen a lot of answers to questions I've had. I'm a completely different person from even 6 months ago. I see in myself true happiness. I am finally, finally at peace with how things have played out the last few years and why I'm in the place I'm at. I love the end of the tunnel.

So here's to the last. 

Keep running.

One Year Ago Today

365 days ago was the biggest surgery of my life.

Today, December 13, 2013 marks one year from this 13-hour, life changing, jaw altering, fibul-less, surgery.

I am STILL in awe at the enormity of it. I had no IDEA this surgery was even possible. Did you? I mean, seriously! How did anyone ever think it was even possible to take out a portion of the fibula, not replace it with anything, put the fibula in place of part of the jawbone, and still have me look normal, talk normal, walk normal, and even run normal?

Sometimes when I think back to everything that happened a year ago, I just want to curl up into a ball. It was hard. Not being able to eat or drinking anything through my mouth for a week on top of a dry mouth, limited neck movement, a feeding tube, that stupid nurse that suctioned out my trach, the trach ITSELF (grrr...), the constant nurse visits, the infection that caused another hospital stay, having an anaphylactic allergic reaction, withdrawing from Spring semester, quitting my job, not being able to lay on my stomach to sleep, and learning how to move my tongue again.

Although it makes me devastated to think about what I've been through, I turn and think of everything good about that surgery and the last year. I spent more time with my parents, had an awesome nurse, stayed at one the best cancer facilities in the world, was in the hands of amazing doctors and staff that I would (and obviously did) trust my life with, gaining a strong testimony of my Savior, Heavenly Father's plan, and the Atonement, celebrating my birthday by eating Winger's... and not in a hospital, taking some time off of school and work, finding out what I want to be when I "grow up", realizing my plan in Heavenly Father's book, getting my patriarchal blessing, having my friends surprise me on my birthday, sharing the gospel, sharing my testimony, improving my life, and getting one step closer to getting rid of this stupid cancer for good.

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When I think back over the last year, there is bad, but there is good. And a lot more of the good. And although I would never wish what I've been through on my worst enemies, I'm truly truly grateful for the last year. It's totally screwed up the direction I was supposed to be going in, but that's okay. Because the direction I'm headed in now is one I'm proud of. I've grown substantially, both spiritually, emotionally, and physically, in the last year. I'm closer to becoming a person I hope my Heavenly Father is proud of.

The best thing about the gospel is change. Change for the better. Heavenly Father KNOWS just what we need to go through in order to make that change. And it will never be anything we cannot do. I take comfort every day in knowing that I made it through some pretty dark days. I take comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father loves me enough to test what I am capable of, so that if I endure it well, it will be a substantial blessing in my road to Heavenly Father.

What's next, you might ask? Well, I have two words for you. Keep running.