Today's CT Scan Results

Fear of the Unknown

It's that time of year again!

Every so often, it's time to get a CT scan and see how things look in relation to this cancer crap I've been dealing with. Last week was the start of "that time." I drove down for a CT scan at the Huntsman. Literally in an out of that hospital in half an hour.

Right now, it's just about 2:30 a.m. I can't sleep. I can never really sleep the night before an appointment. This coming afternoon, we'll meet with Dr. Hunt to see how my scan looked; I'll know if the cancer is still gone, or if it came back. And to be honest, I don't know what to think. I'm feeling pretty optimistic because we've done a lot to get rid of this cancer, but I just get worried around this time of year; my cancer seems to rear its ugly head in again and again.

Honestly, I'm prepared for anything to happen. I'm sitting at a crossroad of two pretty different roads.
In one direction, my cancer's back. I have to get more surgeries, I have more to deal with, and I have this life up in Logan to worry about.
In the other direction, everything is still clear, I get to "go on with life", have a great spring semester, enjoy my time here in Logan, and get ready to just move on with life.

There's a lot of uncertainty for the moment, but there are some things I do know:

• Jesus Christ lives. He lived on the Earth, died for us, and rose again. He's the reason that we can even have the chance to return to our Heavenly Father again.
• I will never be alone in all that do. Alma said that "he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [aid] his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12)

• Family can be forever. I love my family and I'm super grateful for the chance to spend eternity with them. They teach me to love, lead, share, testify, and aid. It urges me to create that atmosphere for the family I start someday.
• PEACE is seriously shining through with this gospel. I have never felt more peace and happiness than I have during church, especially partaking of the sacrament. I crave Sundays, and I crave Institute- a church class during the week. I've never really felt how vital that peace is in my life until this semester; everything seemed to be going a million miles an hour, but I felt immediate peace in Institute.
• Things happen for a reason. It's something I hear, you hear, we all hear, often. I know, though, that Heavenly Father is constantly aware of all that goes on in my life. I'm sure it's hard for Him to see me go through trials, but I am a firm believer that if he knew that no good could come out of a trial, it wouldn't happen. Every trial I've had has had some kind of benefit in my life and ultimately made me a stronger person.

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I've always been a planner. I'm pretty adaptable, but I like to have somewhat of a plan. And let's be real, cancer has screwed that all up. I still am afraid for the unknown, because it's exactly that- unknown. I don't know for sure what I'll be doing six months from now; you could say the same thing. You might have an idea, but you never know.

Although it's the unknown, I have to remember that the unknown is okay- because someone DOES know. My life isn't just in my hands, but the hands of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior and brother Jesus Christ. Because they know it all, there are sometimes that all I can do is trust.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I may not get to choose the path I go down, but I can choose how I travel down that path. Will I use my experiences to help others? Will I use my experiences to make sure that I am living righteously?

The cancer "path less traveled" may be behind me. I hope it is! Whatever lies ahead, no matter what it is, I know it'll make all the difference. 

Keep running.