Dear World, I Have Cancer (Again)

It's always frustrating when I have to give out this type of news.


But let's get right down to it.   My cancer's back.

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Let me take you back to three weeks ago... the 4th of July. My parents and brother decided that after the ward breakfast, they'd come spend a day up in Logan, and then we'd all go to my doctors appointments the next day. They arrived in town at 3, right about the time I got off work. I got to show them my house, where I work/worked, and some of the coolest places around Logan (like Heaven and the Hobbit Caves). That night, after dinner, I stay with my parents in their hotel, and my brother and I went and rode scooters. It was a great night! The next morning, I got to show them around campus, show them my old OFFICE! and also they met a few of my A-Team bosses. And then we got Aggie Ice Cream.

We drove down to Salt Lake, my brother and I in my car, followed by my parents in their car. I had my head/neck/chest CT scan, and an hour later met with Dr. Hunt. It was a pretty quick visit. He came in and said,

"Your neck looks great! I'll look at the official report tomorrow and give you a call."

And that was that. Or so we thought.

The next day, I had a 4 hour shift in the morning at Lowe's. During that time, I had missed two calls, both from the same number. I figured it was Dr. Hunt. So I waited and waited. After work, I called back Dr. Hunt's nurse, Anne, and she said that he just went into surgery, but he wanted to talk with me and he would call later.

I had the thought that if Dr. Hunt himself wanted to talk to me, it wasn't good. So I waited. Finally, at 6, he called me and told me what was up.

"Like I said, your neck looks great, but there's a spot on your chest that's concerning. We'd like to do a biopsy and figure this out."

That was three weeks ago.

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Two weeks ago, I had a biopsy. Nothing too big. They just poked me and got a sample. Nothing special to report there.

EXCEPT that my mom is super awesome, and came and met me for it. We stayed in a hotel in Bountiful and she went with me to those appointments, we drove around the Bountiful temple, and went to this really good Pizza Factory-like place.

We waited and waited to hear the results, and didn't hear anything.

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Catch up now to last week, the 18th (which, for the record, is the anniversary of my mission! Two years ago I started, and a year ago, I was released). I got off work at 1:30 pm, and felt like I just needed to go home for a few days. So, I called my brother to see what was happening, and decided to surprise the whole family. Only my brother knew.

IT WAS SO AWESOME TO GO HOME. AND EVERYONE WAS SO SURPRISED!

It was really good that I was on my way home, because I decided to call Anne and check up. She said that the results were confirmed, its the same cancer. My cancer's back. Like I said, it was good to be home to be able to process all these feelings with my family around.

The next thing on the list was to get a PET scan- a scan on my whole body where they inject me with "radioactive sugar" (their words) and scan me... the tumors eat up sugar fast.

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That brings us to now..... here's whats happening:

• The path we're taking is probably chemotherapy
• I don't know about surgery, how much cancer there is, etc. We're still kind of in the beginning stages.... I just want to let you know

The biggest change: I'm moving back home. Around the first or second week of August-- sorry Logan. :( For that reason, I'm not going to school this next semester, possibly spring semester, too. I'm doing SOAR this week, but after that, I'm done with the A-Team stuff :( no Connections (being a TA for a class that happens right before school starts).

The most frustrating this has been the battle all along during this cancer stuff... aligning my will to God's. There are so many things I want to do, but God has a different plan. I want to be in Logan, I want to continue with more A-Team stuff. I LOVE Logan, and I feel like this town and school were made for me... and now I need to move back home. Don't get me wrong, I love home and I'm excited, in a way, to move back, but I'm still upset about changing all my plans again. I'm a Writing Fellow (tutor), on the NSSLHA board, and volunteer at the hospital, and I'll have to give that all up for a time.

HOWEVER, I know God has a plan for me. I know this is happening for a reason. And although it sucks and it's come back AGAIN, I've felt peace this whole time. So have my parents. No matter what happens, it's all going to be okay!

Yesterday in Church, we sang Come, Come Ye Saints, and verse two really stuck out to me:

Come, Come Ye Saints: Hymns #30

The things that are worth it are not going to come easy. My life is worth it, and what I learn from life is worth it. Yeah, it all sucks sometimes, but that's okay. I've got an excellent support system, amazing family, and amazing friends.

These are the times that truly define character.

Let's go.

Keep running.

Fear of the Unknown

It's that time of year again!

Every so often, it's time to get a CT scan and see how things look in relation to this cancer crap I've been dealing with. Last week was the start of "that time." I drove down for a CT scan at the Huntsman. Literally in an out of that hospital in half an hour.

Right now, it's just about 2:30 a.m. I can't sleep. I can never really sleep the night before an appointment. This coming afternoon, we'll meet with Dr. Hunt to see how my scan looked; I'll know if the cancer is still gone, or if it came back. And to be honest, I don't know what to think. I'm feeling pretty optimistic because we've done a lot to get rid of this cancer, but I just get worried around this time of year; my cancer seems to rear its ugly head in again and again.

Honestly, I'm prepared for anything to happen. I'm sitting at a crossroad of two pretty different roads.
In one direction, my cancer's back. I have to get more surgeries, I have more to deal with, and I have this life up in Logan to worry about.
In the other direction, everything is still clear, I get to "go on with life", have a great spring semester, enjoy my time here in Logan, and get ready to just move on with life.

There's a lot of uncertainty for the moment, but there are some things I do know:

• Jesus Christ lives. He lived on the Earth, died for us, and rose again. He's the reason that we can even have the chance to return to our Heavenly Father again.
• I will never be alone in all that do. Alma said that "he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [aid] his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12)

• Family can be forever. I love my family and I'm super grateful for the chance to spend eternity with them. They teach me to love, lead, share, testify, and aid. It urges me to create that atmosphere for the family I start someday.
• PEACE is seriously shining through with this gospel. I have never felt more peace and happiness than I have during church, especially partaking of the sacrament. I crave Sundays, and I crave Institute- a church class during the week. I've never really felt how vital that peace is in my life until this semester; everything seemed to be going a million miles an hour, but I felt immediate peace in Institute.
• Things happen for a reason. It's something I hear, you hear, we all hear, often. I know, though, that Heavenly Father is constantly aware of all that goes on in my life. I'm sure it's hard for Him to see me go through trials, but I am a firm believer that if he knew that no good could come out of a trial, it wouldn't happen. Every trial I've had has had some kind of benefit in my life and ultimately made me a stronger person.

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I've always been a planner. I'm pretty adaptable, but I like to have somewhat of a plan. And let's be real, cancer has screwed that all up. I still am afraid for the unknown, because it's exactly that- unknown. I don't know for sure what I'll be doing six months from now; you could say the same thing. You might have an idea, but you never know.

Although it's the unknown, I have to remember that the unknown is okay- because someone DOES know. My life isn't just in my hands, but the hands of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior and brother Jesus Christ. Because they know it all, there are sometimes that all I can do is trust.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I may not get to choose the path I go down, but I can choose how I travel down that path. Will I use my experiences to help others? Will I use my experiences to make sure that I am living righteously?

The cancer "path less traveled" may be behind me. I hope it is! Whatever lies ahead, no matter what it is, I know it'll make all the difference. 

Keep running.

Let's [Not] Compare

I'm going to make myself vulnerable for a minute.

Over my lifetime, I've discovered that I'm really bad at comparing myself with others. I wish I didn't have this weakness, but I do.

I don't want to give you any specific instances, but I will tell you that I've been jealous of friends/roommates/etc that I see going on dates, having a girlfriend, meeting tons of new people. I see guys at what I feel like is the same point as me, but they have so much more going for them (from my point of view). I feel like I should be "as far along" as people around me.

Facebook and Instagram are another problem for me--- And this quote sums up how I feel perfectly: 

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare
our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

Social media is a false window into people's lives. Honestly, how willing am I to post about the bad moments? Only the good, fun, exciting ones, right? It's fun to see updates, and I love seeing what people are up to, but I walk away sadder when I spend a lot of time on social media.

I think it's "human" to feel like that, but to key is not to dwell on it. Here's the thing: I'm not like anyone else, and therefore, I don't have the same story as everyone else. No one else has served a mission exactly like mine, had ten neck surgeries, two rounds of chemo and radiation, and the many other good and bad things I've faced in my life. I'm not saying this to try and say I'm better than anyone else, but to tell you- we're all different.

Because I'm different than the people around me, why in the world should I compare myself to people who have a different life story than me? Erik's journey is my own and I'm happy to tell you my story, but I don't want to compare drafts.

I've come to realize over the last few years just how personal the gospel of Jesus Christ is. His Atonement is infinite and eternal, and available to everyone, and helps me and you in the personal battles we have. My witness of the Book of Mormon is personal. My patriarchal blessing is personal guidance just for me. When I pray to my Heavenly Father, it's personal. Why? Because my journey is not yours, just like your journey is not mine.

My biggest weapon against the fight of worldly comparison is perspective. I try to keep the perspective that I am unique, that the Lord is highly invested in our lives, and that our goal here on this earth is to learn and grow. Perspective in the scriptures, rather than on social media.


Comparing myself to others is what's holding me back, but today is a chance to make a change.

Keep running.

Cancer and College

First off, did you know that I AM DONE WITH CHEMO!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I'm a little excited about it. I hope to get started back at the temple soon and mostly excited to be done with cancer. No more recurrences, okay?

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I spent the last week putting together a scholarship application. This scholarship is offered to cancer survivors, so good thing I am one. BOOYAH. I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it. I sent it off in the mail today, so we'll find out the verdict sometime between now and August.

This application required four essays, two half-page and two full-page. Writing these essays really gave me time to reflect on life. One essay in particular was about the topic of "How Cancer Has Impacted My College Career." I started the essay thinking that I'd have a ton of limitations and setbacks, and while there were a few, there were more good things about cancer. Sound weird? Well read on. I know while cancer has sucked, there has been lots more good than bad.

I knew at a young age that I wanted to pursue a career in which I could help people. That was solidified at age 15, when I was diagnosed with cancer in my salivary glands. The five-and-a-half year journey that included numerous surgeries, relapses, radiation, and chemotherapy have both helped and hindered my college pursuit in ways that I wouldn’t have imagined.My college experience began in my home town of Cedar City, Utah at Southern Utah University in the fall of 2012. I stood six months clear from a relapse, in which I had a surgery to removed cancer-infected tissue from my neck. Toward the end of the semester, however, I was faced with yet another relapse, this time requiring a major 13-hour surgery which would take place the day after my last final. Because of the immensity of this surgery, I made the choice to un-register for the upcoming spring semester, so that I could recover and focus on my health. It put me behind a semester, and I wish I could have kept going with my schooling.On the other hand, I have been blessed in regards to my higher education because of cancer. Months after my major surgery, I sat at a crossroads. I wasn’t necessarily happy with my chosen major. My education was at a point where I didn’t have many general education requirements left and needed to pursue a major. I combed through the list of majors that SUU offered, but nothing jumped out at me. It wasn’t until I looked at the results of my personality test that I immediately found my answer- Speech pathology. I wouldn’t have recognized that career had I not received speech therapy from my major surgery months before. If I hadn’t gone through cancer, I probably wouldn’t have gone toward the career I am pursuing today.The biggest impact of cancer is that I am a better college student. I have full confidence that I can push through hard classes and tough teachers, assignments, or study groups- all with phenomenal grades. Why? Because I’ve made it through harder times. I know that I can succeed at anything in life because I have already succeeded in something bigger than myself- taking back my life from cancer.

That's the message. Life is good. Life has bad in it, but life is good. That good depends entirely upon you. Make it good. Do something good today!

Did that sound repetitive? Good, you caught on. It was intended.
Keep running,

Life is Good- Chemo One Down

Last week, I had the glorious opportunity to go to the hospital. While there, I met with Dr. Haslem, sat in a recliner, got poked by a needle (which REALLY hurt this time), and left 6 hours later.

And when I say glorious, I really say sucky. I don't want to sound ungrateful. Trust me, I'm grateful. The outcomes of chemo are amazing. I just hate the "during" part. And if you are a normal human being, you should, too.

On the bright side, I have some happy things to say about last week's chemo:

One. Nurses are awesome. I'm pretty sure a requirement for working as a nurse in the cancer center is that you have to be awesome, and happy, and all those things.

Two. People are awesome. I met a lady who is kind of in my same boat. She is receiving chemo once every three weeks. And she bought about 10 parfaits from McDonald's before she got in, so she was sharing them. Yep, she's the snack lady.

Three. I've inherited my dad's wit. One of my favorite things about my dad is how incredibly funny he is. I'm not as funny as he is, but I like to think that I often can come up with a good joke or two on the spot. I made the nurses laugh a few times.

Four. The body is amazing. I'm grateful my body can withstand all this crap. I'm also grateful that these treatments are available to help get rid of dumb cancer.

Five. I've surprised even myself. From what the doctors have explained, the first week is the worst, the second and third weeks are much better. This last week has been a breeze. I felt sick on the Monday night of treatment, Wednesday, and a tiny tiny bit on Sunday. But overall, I'm a freakin' champ. I'm feeling great!

Six. I've been staying busy. I have done so much indexing lately, it's driving me nuts. Even though I can't be serving at the temple for five days a week right now, that's okay. I know I'm needed elsewhere. And if I'm not supposed to be at the temple right now, it must be for some prrretty important reason.

Seven. The atonement is real. There are so many times, especially in the last few months, where I have felt unloved, unimportant, and that I can't do this. Not just cancer, but some other personal aspects in my life at the moment. I know that the Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ, is there for us. HE LIVES. He comforts. He knows what I'm feeling and when I'm feeling it. He knows exactly how I need to be comforted. I know the atonement is real and that His power is real. I worry about the future sometimes. I worry about having a family. I worry about being able to provide; about being able to be a good husband and father. All those fears are either gone or diminished because I know that I won't be alone in this. I hope to marry a woman who loves the Lord even more than I do. Because there's no way I'll get through the next 60 years without that guidance.

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I feel like I learn, every single day, what life is all about. Life is about living- not the whole YOLO thing and partying-- and living right. Living a full, complete life, having fun, making right choices, and doing what we want to and should do. The whole time, we hopefully have the guidance of our Heavenly Father through the atonement of His Son in our lives and the promptings of the Spirit. The choice of how you live is entirely up to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, life is good. I'm happy to be here on the earth. I feel like I am faced with a lot of challenges, but through my hard work, I know it's worth living. Every single day.

Keep running.

Revealing Our True Character

I chatted with a friend the other day. She asked me, "Why do you think God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?"

What would you say? Think about it for a second. And after you've taken a little bit, let me share with you a few of my big "I wonder why I was tested in this way..." thoughts. ***Disclaimer : These really don't compare with being asked to sacrifice your son.

Example A: I'm weird. I don't mind public speaking. I don't mind as much putting myself out there. Talking in Sacrament meeting was a cinch. Teaching a lesson, guiding a discussion for an entire hour, terrified me. Last school year, I was called to be an Elders Quorum Instructor. I taught in Elders Quorum about once a month-ish. I could have easily said, "No. Teaching is not for me."

Example B: I love running. I ran cross country in high school. I was one of those crazy kids who just loves to run. After high school, I ran a half-marathon and seriously just LOVED it. I would easily do it again. As you might recall, most of my fibula was removed from my left leg to reconstruct my mandible. The doctors said that I can run, but it might not be that easy. And I'd have a really hard time running something like a half-marathon.

So my answer to her question?
I think God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac  because he loved his son so much. You remember that Sariah had trouble having a baby for years. To truly test our faith [and obedience], I think the greater our love for what is being tested, the more true our action and response really is.

For example, say you own two vehicles, a beautiful sports car that you really love, and a minivan that you kinda like, but gets the job done. With the factor of the cost of the vehicle and repairs thrown to the side, and assuming no injuries occured, would you be more upset if your sports car that you loved was totaled? Or your minivan?

Maybe think about it in the way that our Heavenly Father possibly sees it. I really don't want to see my child suffer, but seeing how he/she reacts to the hardest of challenge will reveal who they truly are, good or bad.

There are hardly any trials that don't impact us in some way. But those trials can really show our character. They can change us, show us a better way to live (maybe more post-trial), and help us gain an eternal perspective and/or testimony.

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While are trials really are trying, its important to realize something. In 1 Corinthians 10:13, it talks about temptation. But I also believe you could switch out "temptation" for "trial", "tempted" for "tried"...

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

That is so comforting to know that no matter how hard the road may seem ahead, walking down it is possible.

If in an hour, you were faced with a hard trial, and given the choice to go through with faith and be obedient, or to shy away and follow your own guidance rather than the Lord's, what would you do? Evaluate yourself. I sure have done some self-evaluation on myself. Each time I straighten my course to resemble the will of the Father, I am never disappointed. I am never left alone. And I am brought to see a greater miracle. A greater way. Much greater than if I were to shy away.

"Have I not commanded thee, be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed. For the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

Keep running!

Milestones

Tomorrow is a pretty big milestone. Want a hint?

ITS

MY

20TH

BIRTHDAY!!!!

For me, being an almost-20-year-old seems like a pretty good accomplishment. For those readers out there who are youthfully challenged, you might not think so. I may just be some young kid. And just for you... I saw this picture and thought it was super funny.

But honestly, think about it. The age you are right now? That's a milestone. No matter if you are 50, 34, 80, or 11. Life is full of milestones, some good and some bad. We should celebrate the good and respect the bad.

My milestones:

• 4 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer
• A year and a half ago I graduated high school
• When I
• walked for the first time
• rode a bike for the first time
• talked for the first time
• traveled across the country without Mom and Dad
• went outside the United States
• moved out on my own

In the eyes of someone whose perspective has changed due to cancer as a teenager: EVERY DAY is a milestone. Every day that I open up my eyes and look out of my window at the sunny world, it's an accomplishment. Every time I show up to work and make a guest's stay at the hotel that much better, it's worth it.

In the eyes of someone who is writing a blog post that you are currently reading, I say to you: Celebrate your life. It's full of milestones and full of good days! Your life is full of accomplishments, so celebrate good times! (Come on!)

Keep running!