True Character, Dignity & Optimism

Erik Gray's journals

#journalgems

written by Erik, March 2015

An excerpt from a scholarship letter

In December 2009, when I was 15-years-old, I was diagnosed with a form of Stage IV cancer in my salivary glands called Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma. 

It is not extremely life-threatening, but since that time, I have had ten surgeries on my neck ranging from biopsies to the replacement of the right half of my jaw, radiation twice, and I am currently on my second round of chemotherapy. 

Throughout my cancer experiences, I served as a student body officer, graduated high school with 24 college credits, maintained good grades through my three semesters at Southern Utah University, and received an Associate’s degree. 

At the end of my first semester, I faced the weight of an unexpected major surgery only a day after my last final. I have faced what many call “extreme adversity”, with what I believe as true character, dignity, and optimism. 

These characteristics will help me through the rest of my life in all aspects as a college student, businessman, husband, father, and person. 

I wouldn’t trade the growth and lessons I’ve experienced for anything.

Cool Experience

Today was like any other Sunday; sitting in Sacrament Meeting, just finishing the sacrament hymn and now awaiting the Sacrament. I like to use the time during the Sacrament to ponder and think about my life in connection to the Savior, what was good and bad about this week, and what I can improve on.

As I did some internal reflection, I felt so weighed down by the many things I feel like I'm facing right now. I closed my eyes, said a prayer, and had a thought or two come to mind.

I pictured myself holding all of these challenges in my hands, trying to balance them and struggling with the weight of it all. As I talked with the Savior, telling Him all that I had to go through, I handed Him these challenges one by one. He presented a backpack and put all of these challenges inside of it, and then gave it back to me. As I put on the backpack, I stood up straighter and felt stronger about the road ahead.

What stuck out to me is that these challenges weren't taken away from me, but because of the Savior, I was made stronger and more able to carry these challenges.

When I realized this, it immediately brought me such peace. This moment helped me to know that a purpose of the Atonement is to strengthen me in my times of trouble, and to lift me up when I need help. Jesus Christ really is there, willing to help, and willing to strengthen us because he paid for our sins.

In one of my favorite parts of the Book of Mormon, it says;

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.  

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." (Mosiah 24:13-15, emphasis added)

Because Heavenly Father loves us so much and because He wants us to succeed in this test of life, He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to perform the Atonement so that we can ultimately return to Him again. I know that because of what Jesus Christ did for all of us, I can be strengthened as I try to do my best in this life.

I'm so grateful for the gospel and that I can be strengthened through the Atonement. I couldn't get through my life without the gospel- that's a fact. Don't ever forget that you never have to face anything alone.

Keep running.

Do's and Don'ts of Teaching in Church

Since the time I've graduated high school, every calling I've had has dealt with teaching in some way.

First, I was a Primary teacher for the summer in my home ward. I taught the 8-turning-9-year-old's, and I really enjoyed it. I team-taught with my old Young Men's leader. It was a new experience for me, trying to adjust teaching to younger kids. I miss my class, and love it when I still see them now. They'll be Deacons and Beehives this year!

Next, I was called to be an instructor in Elders Quorum in my Young Single Adult ward. I was pretty scared at first, but over time I came to enjoy it as well. I learned a lot and really established my "base line"for how I teach.

The next year, I was a Gospel Doctrine teacher. I still remember the day when I met with my Bishop and he extended the call. That calling, especially teaching the Old Testament, was "the one calling I never wanted." When he first said it, it took all I had to not laugh in his face. I never wanted to teach Gospel Doctrine, and I told him that. But I accepted. Honestly, once I started teaching, I didn't know what I was afraid of. Over time, I started looking forward to teaching.

This year, I'm a ward missionary, and with that comes teaching Gospel Principles every so often. Just can't get away from teaching, I guess. It's a good thing I love teaching, now.

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Over time, I learned quite a bit of what you should and shouldn't do as a teacher. After church today, I felt inspired to share what I know after listening to a talk (which was a good one, for the most part) that had a few of the "Don'ts" listed below. I'm not sharing these lists because I want to brag about all my cool teaching moments- that's not my intention. I share this because I want what I've learned to help you.

Don't...

Tell the story of how you got your topic. We all have been called by a member of the Bishopric, we assume that you got a phone call as well.

Give excuses about your lack of prep. "I only had a day to prepare this" is not a good way to start your lesson or talk. It's an invitation for those hearing your talk to pull out their phones, take a quick nap, or do anything but pay attention to you. If you're not as prepared as you'd like to be, they don't have to know. Be confident- fake it 'til ya make it.

Keep mentioning the time/stuff you won't have time for. "I only have ten minutes, so..." or "I have four more topics I want to cover, but I won't be able to." Once again, you don't need to let them know your entire outline.

Be afraid to go off the outline. If the lesson goes one way, go with it. Most of the time, it's the Spirit guiding your lesson in the direction it should go. You could be an answer to someone's prayer. So listen!

Ask no-brainer questions. Make sure questions are deep enough. Simple yes/no questions aren't the best if you're trying to get interaction.

Be afraid of awkward silences. Embrace it. Someone will speak up eventually! One time after I taught a lesson, a member of the Bishopric came up to me and said, "That was a great lesson! But you need to give more time for your class to answer. Don't be afraid to just let it be silent."

Look away from someone while they're talking. If you're using the time people are talking to prepare for the portion or something like that, you're doing it wrong. People like to know their comments are appreciated. So, make sure you are listening to the comment being made.

Do...

Testify. One of the most important moments in my time as a teacher in the Church have been those moments when I can testify of eternal truths. One time, my uncle and cousin came to my Gospel Doctrine class because they were in town. At the end of the lesson, they said they were impressed that I "was able to testify at important times during the lesson, and thus making an easy transition for other members in the class to comment and testify." Testifying more than once should be your goal for the lesson.

Take your calling seriously. In Teaching, No Greater Call (which everyone should look at, by the way), a resource for teachers from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it says: "As you think of the role of gospel teaching in the salvation and exaltation of God's children, can you imagine a duty more noble or sacred?" Not to scare you, but teaching is a pretty big responsibility. So take it seriously.

Make it a discussion rather than a lecture. Unless you're speaking in Sacrament Meeting. Otherwise, leading a discussion helps the class to interact, give to the lesson, and make the lesson better than anything just the teacher could contribute. My favorite lessons have been ones when people comment and contribute immensely- not because I don't want to talk as much (because I can talk forever), but because I love hearing examples that one person has that others might not have.

If you teach Elders Quorum or Relief Society, check out the teaching helps at the end of each lesson in the Teachings of the Presidents books. They're really cool. And I've used them.

Pray for the Spirit. I would be sorely mistaken if I thought that I could get through an entire lesson without the Spirit- at least a lesson where hearts are touched. The Spirit knows exactly which way the conversation should go, so pray hard that He can be there when you teach. Your lesson can go so much better.

Invite the Spirit. This relates to the last point. Sometimes in Sunday School we didn't sing an opening song, but I loved having one, because it really set the spiritual mood. Invite your class to be open to the Spirit, because what they get out of the lesson/talk is entirely up to them.

Enjoy your calling. If teaching is scary, find a way around that. Gospel Doctrine Teacher was "that one calling I never want." I laughed a little when my Bishop extended the call to me, but honestly, it turned into one of my favorite callings, ever. Just like everything else in life, if you aren't enjoying it, change something.

Keep running.

Let's [Not] Compare

I'm going to make myself vulnerable for a minute.

Over my lifetime, I've discovered that I'm really bad at comparing myself with others. I wish I didn't have this weakness, but I do.

I don't want to give you any specific instances, but I will tell you that I've been jealous of friends/roommates/etc that I see going on dates, having a girlfriend, meeting tons of new people. I see guys at what I feel like is the same point as me, but they have so much more going for them (from my point of view). I feel like I should be "as far along" as people around me.

Facebook and Instagram are another problem for me--- And this quote sums up how I feel perfectly: 

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare
our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

Social media is a false window into people's lives. Honestly, how willing am I to post about the bad moments? Only the good, fun, exciting ones, right? It's fun to see updates, and I love seeing what people are up to, but I walk away sadder when I spend a lot of time on social media.

I think it's "human" to feel like that, but to key is not to dwell on it. Here's the thing: I'm not like anyone else, and therefore, I don't have the same story as everyone else. No one else has served a mission exactly like mine, had ten neck surgeries, two rounds of chemo and radiation, and the many other good and bad things I've faced in my life. I'm not saying this to try and say I'm better than anyone else, but to tell you- we're all different.

Because I'm different than the people around me, why in the world should I compare myself to people who have a different life story than me? Erik's journey is my own and I'm happy to tell you my story, but I don't want to compare drafts.

I've come to realize over the last few years just how personal the gospel of Jesus Christ is. His Atonement is infinite and eternal, and available to everyone, and helps me and you in the personal battles we have. My witness of the Book of Mormon is personal. My patriarchal blessing is personal guidance just for me. When I pray to my Heavenly Father, it's personal. Why? Because my journey is not yours, just like your journey is not mine.

My biggest weapon against the fight of worldly comparison is perspective. I try to keep the perspective that I am unique, that the Lord is highly invested in our lives, and that our goal here on this earth is to learn and grow. Perspective in the scriptures, rather than on social media.


Comparing myself to others is what's holding me back, but today is a chance to make a change.

Keep running.

Choices

I have a friend that used to live in Cedar City, and I remember how she always talked about how amazing, social, and awesome Logan is. The way she described it: "In Cedar, I would invite 20 people to a party, and five would show up. In Logan, I invite five people, and 20 would show up!"

I came up to Logan back in March for a few days to look for an apartment, meet with my advisor, and just get a little more prepped for moving up here. From just two days in Logan, I noticed that my friend wasn't just "talking up" Logan, but she was serious. In the month and a half I've been living up here, I have met lots of new people, made some new memories, and really had some fun adventures. Because I consider myself super social, my friend and I decided that "Logan was made for me."

I'm a Junior now- taking 16 credits this semester. Buuut it feels like 100 credits. I am taking "COMD" (Communicative Disorders) classes, and heading toward a degree in Communicative Disorders- emphasis of Speech-Language Pathology. It's interesting being at the point where I'm in all of my classes with the same group of people. My longest days are Wednesdays... I have a break in the morning, but from 3:30 on, I have my Anatomy lab, ASL lab, and Institute. The only thing that gets me through those days is that I end it with Institute. What a blessing! Just for the record, my Institute class is AMAZING. I have never been so spiritually uplifted.

I got a job. A really good one. I have been working as the "Membership and Marketing Assistant" for the Utah State University Alumni Association since right before school began. I love that job! I love the work I got to do. The only downfall to is it that I don't necessarily like sitting in an office all day, ya know?

I have my own office!

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During Week 2 of the semester, I came to realize just how crazy my homework schedule was. It was an incredibly busy week around that time, but it's been pretty busy since. I'm at that point I need to make sure I'm studying the information, and I have had two to three tests a week. Working an on-campus job has been a dream of mine, because I seriously had the best work schedule; I would work Monday through Friday roughly from 11 am to 1 pm, and again from 3 to 5 pm. Never past 5, no weekends, mostly, and no Sundays. Dream job.

But it became kind of apparent that it was hard on me. I couldn't even start my homework til I got home at 5ish, and then I would want to eat dinner, and relax for a little bit, and then it would be later in the evening. No bueno. It's been my post-mission goal to attend the temple once a week, and during that crazy week, I didn't even make it to the temple- I was so busy! So, I prayed to know what to do. I talked with my parents, a lot. I had a few decisions to make, and I didn't know what was the right thing for me to do. I didn't want to quit this awesome job, but I didn't have time to really do anything.

So there I sat in Institute during Week 3. Sad that I didn't make it to the temple the week before. Tired, and really hoping to receive some inspiration for my life. Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel is all about Christ, and I love that class. Christ knows exactly what we are going through, and He knew that day what I needed to hear... I don't even remember what talk we were talking about, but I was hit so strongly by the sentence (and I'm paraphrasing) Don't let the good things overpower the things that are essential. My job is good, it's nice to have the blessings that come from a job, like, ya know, money. But I felt that if having a job was interfering with my time to go to the temple, or take precedence over the essential things, I needed to make a change.

So the next day, I sat down with my boss and explained my situation: school is more than I thought, I would love to still work at the Alumni Center, but I would need to cut down my hours. It was a really good chat, and my boss thanked me for my candor. He decided that they would hire someone else to work the 20 hours, but I have still worked for them off and on throughout this transition. I don't know how my story with the Alumni Center will go on, but I'll let you know when I know.

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I just know that the Lord has blessed me immensely. I feel His power and strength as I try to attend the temple regularly. For me, it's once a week. For you, it might be different, and that's okay, just make it regular. My biggest worry has been with my financial situation, but I'm focusing on doing what I know is right with my money (tithing and fast offerings), and I have seen that following those commandments have blessed me. Somehow, my paycheck has been bigger than I thought. I'm not complaining. ;)

I have learned that blessings do come when we choose to serve the Lord. It requires that choice on our side, though. Make the choice, now, to serve. As you hold to the gospel, to the feelings you know are right, it might not be easy. However, the gospel makes life easier. I know firsthand.

Keep running.

Post-Mish & Pre-Logan

Wow. It's still weird to me that my mish is over. In fact, a month ago today, I was released.

July 15, 2014- Day I was set apart

July 19, 2015- Day [after] I was released

I loved the time I served. Absolutely loved it. And if I had the chance, I'd go back and do it all over again! I learned so much about the gospel, about myself, and about life. Here's an update of what I've been up to in the last month:

• I got a job. I'm an "Office Assistant" at Precision Development. I scan, file, clean, do odd-job tasks, and advertising. I'm the one that's been posting on social media lately! Huzzah. And yes, this is a job I got from my dad. It still counts. It's a legit job. Someone asked me yesterday if I got paid "under the table", and the answer is no. I'm on payroll, I get taxes taken out. (booo)

• I still love photography. Oh, guess what? I bought a new phone. My old S4 has a majorly cracked screen, and I found one for $20. Well, the $20 phone sucked. It did it's job, but I hated the picture quality. So, I spent $120 and bought a new S4 off of eBay. It's worth it to me, because it's basically like buying a new camera as well. And I love having a phone with a nice camera again. Here's some of my cool pictures.

• I'm still working on my Book of Mormon reading. Can I tell you how IMPORTANT it is to read the Book of Mormon every single day!? This book is many things: it is another testament of Jesus Christ, a great teacher for us, and most importantly-- truth. I love this book so much and I just want to share it with the world. Every time I reread it, I find new lessons and truths all the time. It's almost like God put something in there that wasn't there before. But that's the joy of it-- I learn something new every time I read. I've recently discovered a new way to study the Book of Mormon, and I love it. I've learned so much. I won't give you the details today- it deserves it's own special post. I will tell you this, though- it's really helped me focus more than I ever have on this blessed book.

• Prepping for Logan. I told you I'm moving to Logan, right? Well, yeah, that's next week. Time flies. I seriously am really excited. I'm so excited to move, but I am going to miss the heck out of my family and home. I've never lived more than 10 minutes away from my parents, so it'll be an adjustment. But that's life, right? Learning, growing, and experiences that teach us how to become like God. I'm jumping right into my major, I'm going to live in the most social apartment complex on campus (at least what I've been told), and I'll be in LOGAN. I mean, come on... Logan. I've been applying for jobs like a mad-man and hope to at least get something. I'll sure need it- I just paid the rest of my tuition last week. :/ [PS.... the greatest gift of moving to Logan is that the temple is a minute drive from where I live.]

• I've still been able to keep on my goal of attending the temple at least once a week. I cannot tell you how much I miss going four/five days a week, but one day is still really amazing. I love the blessings that come from the temple, and I know that we are blessed when we give service. Temples exist on the earth for a reason. Utilize it.

• RUNNING! Half marathon here I come. It's so great to get back into shape again. And health update: I've truly felt the best I have in months. I feel like the "same old Erik" again. Aah I love it. And as you can see from the picture above, my hair's grown in quite nicely. I still haven't cut it since chemo.

I have been so busy since my mission ended. Seriously, I get up, run, go to work, come home, play with the nephews, eat dinner, play with the nephews some more, read, go to bed, and repeat. But it's been a blessing. During my temple mish, I had no idea how slow/fast/busy/not busy the month between mish and school was going to be. But I'm grateful that I've stayed busy, made some money, and even went on a date. ;)

Once again, I'll testify to you that Heavenly Father loves us. I know that He knows me; He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, what I need to become, what I need to learn and grow. I am beyond grateful that He is involved in my life every single day. Not a day goes by where I don't notice God's hand in my life. If you look hard enough, I promise you that you'll see it, too.

Life is not all easy, but it is good. It's good with God.

Keep running.

Last Week in the Mission

The time is upon us. I've got FIVE days left as a missionary.

I'll be released on Saturday, July 18th, after my day at the temple. Interesting fact, July 18th, 2014 is the day I met with President Arnold to start my mission.

On Sunday, July 19th, I'll be giving my mission report in my home ward. Right now, all I can feel is...

Taken from "David After Dentist"... Look it up!

Is this real life? Is time really going by this fast?? Like I've heard my friends who have served full-time missions say, "The days are long, but the weeks are short." I couldn't agree more.

I am so so so so SO grateful for my mission. It has been tailor-made by the Lord to teach me things that I need. The biggest blessing from my mission is that I've learned to better recognize promptings, feelings of the Spirit, and the Lord's hand in my life. I have never regretted choosing to serve the Lord.

It's been an interesting year. I served in the temple for not even half of my mission period, but that's okay. I thought in the beginning, that I must have some really important things if the Lord is allowing us to pause my mission and my time in the temple. I fought cancer (again), and I ultimately feel stronger. My aunt said something interesting last December, "Maybe the reason you are a missionary right now is because people pray in the temple all the time for missionaries." I have made goals and habits that I hope to continue, such as a better scripture study, prayer habit, and not watching inappropriate shows. The best thing about my mission is what someone talked with me about one day. Missionaries always talk about how they want to continue their habits they learned from their mission, but it's a little harder because they perfect those habits in a different place, so when they come home, it's kind of easier to revert to our pre-mission self (which doesn't mean that missionaries don't come back better and with better habits, because they sure do). For me, it's a little easier to stick to my mission habits because I'm already living at home and nothing will really change.

In honor of my last week as a service missionary, I thought I'd put a little something together about what I've learned from working in the temple, which will be continued more next week, so stay tuned.

What I've learned from....

... driving to St George every day

The left lane is for passing. You can stay in the left lane if no one is behind you, and if there are no cars coming faster than you. Otherwise, stick to the right lane.

Use your blinker. PLEASE. It doesn't really affect you, but it does other people. It's being a courteous driver. I understand not using it if no one is around you, but if you are around other people, use it. Especially if you are merging in front of another car.

Don't be a psycho driver. Slow down. You're not in that much of a hurry.

I will sing while I drive. Don't judge. Thanks for being humored by it, though.

Cruise control is awesome. I laugh at people that I keep passing. They go fast, then slow down. Then fast, then slow down. I've been going the same speed the whole time, bro.

Best way to get to the temple: Take the St George Blvd exit. Drive down all the way to 200 East and turn left. It will take you right to it with the least amount of turning. :)

You are in a car. A car is a very powerful and scary thing. Be wise.

Also in honor of my last week as a missionary, here's the last year in pictures.

Look for the little things in your life. It will bless you!!!

Keep running.