Dear World, I Have Cancer (Again)

It's always frustrating when I have to give out this type of news.


But let's get right down to it.   My cancer's back.

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Let me take you back to three weeks ago... the 4th of July. My parents and brother decided that after the ward breakfast, they'd come spend a day up in Logan, and then we'd all go to my doctors appointments the next day. They arrived in town at 3, right about the time I got off work. I got to show them my house, where I work/worked, and some of the coolest places around Logan (like Heaven and the Hobbit Caves). That night, after dinner, I stay with my parents in their hotel, and my brother and I went and rode scooters. It was a great night! The next morning, I got to show them around campus, show them my old OFFICE! and also they met a few of my A-Team bosses. And then we got Aggie Ice Cream.

We drove down to Salt Lake, my brother and I in my car, followed by my parents in their car. I had my head/neck/chest CT scan, and an hour later met with Dr. Hunt. It was a pretty quick visit. He came in and said,

"Your neck looks great! I'll look at the official report tomorrow and give you a call."

And that was that. Or so we thought.

The next day, I had a 4 hour shift in the morning at Lowe's. During that time, I had missed two calls, both from the same number. I figured it was Dr. Hunt. So I waited and waited. After work, I called back Dr. Hunt's nurse, Anne, and she said that he just went into surgery, but he wanted to talk with me and he would call later.

I had the thought that if Dr. Hunt himself wanted to talk to me, it wasn't good. So I waited. Finally, at 6, he called me and told me what was up.

"Like I said, your neck looks great, but there's a spot on your chest that's concerning. We'd like to do a biopsy and figure this out."

That was three weeks ago.

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Two weeks ago, I had a biopsy. Nothing too big. They just poked me and got a sample. Nothing special to report there.

EXCEPT that my mom is super awesome, and came and met me for it. We stayed in a hotel in Bountiful and she went with me to those appointments, we drove around the Bountiful temple, and went to this really good Pizza Factory-like place.

We waited and waited to hear the results, and didn't hear anything.

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Catch up now to last week, the 18th (which, for the record, is the anniversary of my mission! Two years ago I started, and a year ago, I was released). I got off work at 1:30 pm, and felt like I just needed to go home for a few days. So, I called my brother to see what was happening, and decided to surprise the whole family. Only my brother knew.

IT WAS SO AWESOME TO GO HOME. AND EVERYONE WAS SO SURPRISED!

It was really good that I was on my way home, because I decided to call Anne and check up. She said that the results were confirmed, its the same cancer. My cancer's back. Like I said, it was good to be home to be able to process all these feelings with my family around.

The next thing on the list was to get a PET scan- a scan on my whole body where they inject me with "radioactive sugar" (their words) and scan me... the tumors eat up sugar fast.

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That brings us to now..... here's whats happening:

• The path we're taking is probably chemotherapy
• I don't know about surgery, how much cancer there is, etc. We're still kind of in the beginning stages.... I just want to let you know

The biggest change: I'm moving back home. Around the first or second week of August-- sorry Logan. :( For that reason, I'm not going to school this next semester, possibly spring semester, too. I'm doing SOAR this week, but after that, I'm done with the A-Team stuff :( no Connections (being a TA for a class that happens right before school starts).

The most frustrating this has been the battle all along during this cancer stuff... aligning my will to God's. There are so many things I want to do, but God has a different plan. I want to be in Logan, I want to continue with more A-Team stuff. I LOVE Logan, and I feel like this town and school were made for me... and now I need to move back home. Don't get me wrong, I love home and I'm excited, in a way, to move back, but I'm still upset about changing all my plans again. I'm a Writing Fellow (tutor), on the NSSLHA board, and volunteer at the hospital, and I'll have to give that all up for a time.

HOWEVER, I know God has a plan for me. I know this is happening for a reason. And although it sucks and it's come back AGAIN, I've felt peace this whole time. So have my parents. No matter what happens, it's all going to be okay!

Yesterday in Church, we sang Come, Come Ye Saints, and verse two really stuck out to me:

Come, Come Ye Saints: Hymns #30

The things that are worth it are not going to come easy. My life is worth it, and what I learn from life is worth it. Yeah, it all sucks sometimes, but that's okay. I've got an excellent support system, amazing family, and amazing friends.

These are the times that truly define character.

Let's go.

Keep running.

Waiting

Chemo three is IN THE BAG. Current status: Five days post chemo treatment.

If you have been following my timeline with this... stuff.... you would note that this Monday was not three weeks after my last chemo, but four. God knew that I needed another lesson on patience, waiting, and dealing with disappointment.

The date is March 9th, 11 days ago today. Mom and I walked into the hospital, ready to get another day done. After sitting in one of the recliners, getting settled, getting an IV (did I mention how much I HATE IVs?), and waiting a minute to meet with my doctor, he decided it would be best to postpone chemo a week; my WBC (White Blood Cell) levels were a little low. I don't know how WBC counting works, but the numbers they told me- all you medical people out there, don't shoot the messenger- were that normal count is a 2. I was at 1.1 at the time of chemo two, and was a 0.9 on that day. It's not deathly low, and I really could've been okay to get that chemo, but if I would've gotten sick at all, I would've definitely been admitted in the hospital. It's a good/bad/better-to-be-safe-than-sorry thing. Thanks, doc.

I was okay with going home. Let's be honest, what's your first choice when you hear, "Stay in the hospital, or go home"? After letting it sink in for two minutes, I realized that I was kind of upset. I had built myself up to get this chemo, and now had to wait a week. I told myself that after March 9th, I only had one chemo left. Now, after March 9th, I still had two chemos to go.

I've been in sync with my body and pretty "in-the-know" on what's up, so you can imagine how I felt with this suprise news. It's been a long time where I've had bad news that I wasn't expecting in the slightest.

I questioned. I wanted to get this chemo done now, not a week later. But let me just share with you two neat tidbits of waiting another week:

1. That night, for Family Home Evening, we watched a Mormon Message. In the end, it said, "You and I might cry out, 'No one understands. No one knows.' But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands. He can reach out, touch, and strengthen us."
2. I was given the assignment to prepare a lesson for my calling on Sunday. Because of combined wards for Spring Break, I didn't end up teaching, but I still learned a great deal. I learned more about faith that leads to action, our aid from the Savior's perfect atonement depends on our effort (He is ready to grab us by the hand... All we have to do is reach!), and yoke. What is a yoke? Read this conference talk.

Waiting isn't fun. It sucks. You want things now, but Heavenly Father knows exactly when and how you should receive your answers.

We are told and counseled that it's through the waiting period that we learn what we need to learn. When I think about all I've gone through, I can testify to you that there is so much truth to that. Remember that the reason we are on this earth is to learn and grow. Sometimes, the best way to learn is through waiting, suffering, and adversity. Remember that the sky isn't always dark, and you will see the sun again.

Trust in Him, his will, and His son; the atonement of Jesus Christ can heal you, help you, and strengthen you.

"You're not always going to be perfectly happy, but you can always be at peace with things, having the grace that only Christ can give." (Dawn Armstrong, from Meet the Mormons)

(more update on THIS week and how I've felt with chemo three coming Monday)

PS. Just because you are waiting, doesn't mean you have to be miserable! Do, watch, or read something that brings you joy. Be with people that make you happy.

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Post-Mission News: As you may or may not have heard by now, I'm an Aggie! Around August, I'll be moving to Logan, Utah to go to school at Utah State University to study Speech-Language Pathology. I'm starting this fall semester, and I've got two years to a Bachelor's Degree, and another two years to a Master's Degree. I wouldn't have even considered this route without going through my fibula surgery and a little bit of speech therapy, as well as the great help I've had through my time at Southern Utah University.

Keep running.

Something About the Sun

When I received news that my cancer was back, about this time two years ago, it was hard for me to make "the call," and to let all my friends know what I had just received news about.

I still remember sitting in my truck, parked on the curb outside of Dairy Queen, just about to start my shift. It was hard to tell my friends this news. But hey, I was headed to a place where I could make all the free ice cream I wanted. And free ice cream makes everyone happy, doesn't it? Just kidding.

One friend in particular, I had become close with that semester. She and I had been on a date, and the best quality I think she has is her overwhelming love of the gospel- it radiates through her attitude, and she is always smiling. When I told her the news, she was sad. Just like I was. Her perspective really helped me in light of the news.

She called me and said, "Erik! I have a little present I want to give to you. Do you want to stop by sometime and get it?"

I explained that I was about to go to work, and I'd be done around 11:45 that night. She said, "Okay, well let me know when you are done!"

When she said that, I knew it was going to be something pretty neat. Neat enough to want to give to me at just about midnight. But really, what college student is asleep by midnight on a Saturday night?

After work, I gave her a call. She lived in on-campus housing, so she told me to meet her down by the lobby doors. She handed me a little envelope, gave me a smile and some well-wishing words and told me goodnight. I walked back and got in my car, and just sat. I opened the envelope and the top of the page said "10 Reasons to be Happy!" and was filled with reasons of blessings that I have, despite the bad news I just received.

That list has been hanging in my room for the last two years. I look at it a lot. It reminds me that there are always blessings. All you have to do is look.

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The first reason on my list of "10 Reasons to be Happy!" was this:

I have

1. You are alive, and the sun is still shining! (Well, depending on what time of the day you read this)

I have looked at this list many times in the last two years. Just last week, it hit me.... the sun is still shining!

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized: the sun is always shining!

Think about it: the sun never stops shining. It is us that think the sun isn't there, when in reality, it is just shining on the other side of the world. So the question is: where in the world are you?

Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten Son of the Father. I don't think that the word "sun" was just randomly made up. I know that our Savior is the reason that is is always sunny, spiritually speaking.

Have you ever been on an airplane? Think of an overcast day. You arrive and it's not too bright outside. The sky is a whitish/dark blue. Once you are on your plane, it backs off from the terminal. It heads to the runway, and slowly, lifts off the ground, and you are traveling away from the airport- that quick. Slowly, it ascends, through the clouds and higher in the sky. For a minute, the clearance is barely anything. All you can be seen outside the window is cloud. But when you have risen above all the clouds, higher into the sky, you see the sun. It's still bright. The sky is bluer than blue. And below, you see nothing but the clouds you just rose above. The sun was shining the whole time.

When the world seems dark, when trials seem unending, when it seems like there is no light in your life... remember that there always is! Just do one thing: change your thinking. Think happier. Think brighter.

Thanks, Nicole. I don't think you realized how deep your advice was.

Keep running.

Milestones

Tomorrow is a pretty big milestone. Want a hint?

ITS

MY

20TH

BIRTHDAY!!!!

For me, being an almost-20-year-old seems like a pretty good accomplishment. For those readers out there who are youthfully challenged, you might not think so. I may just be some young kid. And just for you... I saw this picture and thought it was super funny.

But honestly, think about it. The age you are right now? That's a milestone. No matter if you are 50, 34, 80, or 11. Life is full of milestones, some good and some bad. We should celebrate the good and respect the bad.

My milestones:

• 4 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer
• A year and a half ago I graduated high school
• When I
• walked for the first time
• rode a bike for the first time
• talked for the first time
• traveled across the country without Mom and Dad
• went outside the United States
• moved out on my own

In the eyes of someone whose perspective has changed due to cancer as a teenager: EVERY DAY is a milestone. Every day that I open up my eyes and look out of my window at the sunny world, it's an accomplishment. Every time I show up to work and make a guest's stay at the hotel that much better, it's worth it.

In the eyes of someone who is writing a blog post that you are currently reading, I say to you: Celebrate your life. It's full of milestones and full of good days! Your life is full of accomplishments, so celebrate good times! (Come on!)

Keep running!