Dear World, I Have Cancer (Again)

It's always frustrating when I have to give out this type of news.


But let's get right down to it.   My cancer's back.

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Let me take you back to three weeks ago... the 4th of July. My parents and brother decided that after the ward breakfast, they'd come spend a day up in Logan, and then we'd all go to my doctors appointments the next day. They arrived in town at 3, right about the time I got off work. I got to show them my house, where I work/worked, and some of the coolest places around Logan (like Heaven and the Hobbit Caves). That night, after dinner, I stay with my parents in their hotel, and my brother and I went and rode scooters. It was a great night! The next morning, I got to show them around campus, show them my old OFFICE! and also they met a few of my A-Team bosses. And then we got Aggie Ice Cream.

We drove down to Salt Lake, my brother and I in my car, followed by my parents in their car. I had my head/neck/chest CT scan, and an hour later met with Dr. Hunt. It was a pretty quick visit. He came in and said,

"Your neck looks great! I'll look at the official report tomorrow and give you a call."

And that was that. Or so we thought.

The next day, I had a 4 hour shift in the morning at Lowe's. During that time, I had missed two calls, both from the same number. I figured it was Dr. Hunt. So I waited and waited. After work, I called back Dr. Hunt's nurse, Anne, and she said that he just went into surgery, but he wanted to talk with me and he would call later.

I had the thought that if Dr. Hunt himself wanted to talk to me, it wasn't good. So I waited. Finally, at 6, he called me and told me what was up.

"Like I said, your neck looks great, but there's a spot on your chest that's concerning. We'd like to do a biopsy and figure this out."

That was three weeks ago.

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Two weeks ago, I had a biopsy. Nothing too big. They just poked me and got a sample. Nothing special to report there.

EXCEPT that my mom is super awesome, and came and met me for it. We stayed in a hotel in Bountiful and she went with me to those appointments, we drove around the Bountiful temple, and went to this really good Pizza Factory-like place.

We waited and waited to hear the results, and didn't hear anything.

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Catch up now to last week, the 18th (which, for the record, is the anniversary of my mission! Two years ago I started, and a year ago, I was released). I got off work at 1:30 pm, and felt like I just needed to go home for a few days. So, I called my brother to see what was happening, and decided to surprise the whole family. Only my brother knew.

IT WAS SO AWESOME TO GO HOME. AND EVERYONE WAS SO SURPRISED!

It was really good that I was on my way home, because I decided to call Anne and check up. She said that the results were confirmed, its the same cancer. My cancer's back. Like I said, it was good to be home to be able to process all these feelings with my family around.

The next thing on the list was to get a PET scan- a scan on my whole body where they inject me with "radioactive sugar" (their words) and scan me... the tumors eat up sugar fast.

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That brings us to now..... here's whats happening:

• The path we're taking is probably chemotherapy
• I don't know about surgery, how much cancer there is, etc. We're still kind of in the beginning stages.... I just want to let you know

The biggest change: I'm moving back home. Around the first or second week of August-- sorry Logan. :( For that reason, I'm not going to school this next semester, possibly spring semester, too. I'm doing SOAR this week, but after that, I'm done with the A-Team stuff :( no Connections (being a TA for a class that happens right before school starts).

The most frustrating this has been the battle all along during this cancer stuff... aligning my will to God's. There are so many things I want to do, but God has a different plan. I want to be in Logan, I want to continue with more A-Team stuff. I LOVE Logan, and I feel like this town and school were made for me... and now I need to move back home. Don't get me wrong, I love home and I'm excited, in a way, to move back, but I'm still upset about changing all my plans again. I'm a Writing Fellow (tutor), on the NSSLHA board, and volunteer at the hospital, and I'll have to give that all up for a time.

HOWEVER, I know God has a plan for me. I know this is happening for a reason. And although it sucks and it's come back AGAIN, I've felt peace this whole time. So have my parents. No matter what happens, it's all going to be okay!

Yesterday in Church, we sang Come, Come Ye Saints, and verse two really stuck out to me:

Come, Come Ye Saints: Hymns #30

The things that are worth it are not going to come easy. My life is worth it, and what I learn from life is worth it. Yeah, it all sucks sometimes, but that's okay. I've got an excellent support system, amazing family, and amazing friends.

These are the times that truly define character.

Let's go.

Keep running.

Fear of the Unknown

It's that time of year again!

Every so often, it's time to get a CT scan and see how things look in relation to this cancer crap I've been dealing with. Last week was the start of "that time." I drove down for a CT scan at the Huntsman. Literally in an out of that hospital in half an hour.

Right now, it's just about 2:30 a.m. I can't sleep. I can never really sleep the night before an appointment. This coming afternoon, we'll meet with Dr. Hunt to see how my scan looked; I'll know if the cancer is still gone, or if it came back. And to be honest, I don't know what to think. I'm feeling pretty optimistic because we've done a lot to get rid of this cancer, but I just get worried around this time of year; my cancer seems to rear its ugly head in again and again.

Honestly, I'm prepared for anything to happen. I'm sitting at a crossroad of two pretty different roads.
In one direction, my cancer's back. I have to get more surgeries, I have more to deal with, and I have this life up in Logan to worry about.
In the other direction, everything is still clear, I get to "go on with life", have a great spring semester, enjoy my time here in Logan, and get ready to just move on with life.

There's a lot of uncertainty for the moment, but there are some things I do know:

• Jesus Christ lives. He lived on the Earth, died for us, and rose again. He's the reason that we can even have the chance to return to our Heavenly Father again.
• I will never be alone in all that do. Alma said that "he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [aid] his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12)

• Family can be forever. I love my family and I'm super grateful for the chance to spend eternity with them. They teach me to love, lead, share, testify, and aid. It urges me to create that atmosphere for the family I start someday.
• PEACE is seriously shining through with this gospel. I have never felt more peace and happiness than I have during church, especially partaking of the sacrament. I crave Sundays, and I crave Institute- a church class during the week. I've never really felt how vital that peace is in my life until this semester; everything seemed to be going a million miles an hour, but I felt immediate peace in Institute.
• Things happen for a reason. It's something I hear, you hear, we all hear, often. I know, though, that Heavenly Father is constantly aware of all that goes on in my life. I'm sure it's hard for Him to see me go through trials, but I am a firm believer that if he knew that no good could come out of a trial, it wouldn't happen. Every trial I've had has had some kind of benefit in my life and ultimately made me a stronger person.

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I've always been a planner. I'm pretty adaptable, but I like to have somewhat of a plan. And let's be real, cancer has screwed that all up. I still am afraid for the unknown, because it's exactly that- unknown. I don't know for sure what I'll be doing six months from now; you could say the same thing. You might have an idea, but you never know.

Although it's the unknown, I have to remember that the unknown is okay- because someone DOES know. My life isn't just in my hands, but the hands of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior and brother Jesus Christ. Because they know it all, there are sometimes that all I can do is trust.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I may not get to choose the path I go down, but I can choose how I travel down that path. Will I use my experiences to help others? Will I use my experiences to make sure that I am living righteously?

The cancer "path less traveled" may be behind me. I hope it is! Whatever lies ahead, no matter what it is, I know it'll make all the difference. 

Keep running.

Last Week in the Mission

The time is upon us. I've got FIVE days left as a missionary.

I'll be released on Saturday, July 18th, after my day at the temple. Interesting fact, July 18th, 2014 is the day I met with President Arnold to start my mission.

On Sunday, July 19th, I'll be giving my mission report in my home ward. Right now, all I can feel is...

Taken from "David After Dentist"... Look it up!

Is this real life? Is time really going by this fast?? Like I've heard my friends who have served full-time missions say, "The days are long, but the weeks are short." I couldn't agree more.

I am so so so so SO grateful for my mission. It has been tailor-made by the Lord to teach me things that I need. The biggest blessing from my mission is that I've learned to better recognize promptings, feelings of the Spirit, and the Lord's hand in my life. I have never regretted choosing to serve the Lord.

It's been an interesting year. I served in the temple for not even half of my mission period, but that's okay. I thought in the beginning, that I must have some really important things if the Lord is allowing us to pause my mission and my time in the temple. I fought cancer (again), and I ultimately feel stronger. My aunt said something interesting last December, "Maybe the reason you are a missionary right now is because people pray in the temple all the time for missionaries." I have made goals and habits that I hope to continue, such as a better scripture study, prayer habit, and not watching inappropriate shows. The best thing about my mission is what someone talked with me about one day. Missionaries always talk about how they want to continue their habits they learned from their mission, but it's a little harder because they perfect those habits in a different place, so when they come home, it's kind of easier to revert to our pre-mission self (which doesn't mean that missionaries don't come back better and with better habits, because they sure do). For me, it's a little easier to stick to my mission habits because I'm already living at home and nothing will really change.

In honor of my last week as a service missionary, I thought I'd put a little something together about what I've learned from working in the temple, which will be continued more next week, so stay tuned.

What I've learned from....

... driving to St George every day

The left lane is for passing. You can stay in the left lane if no one is behind you, and if there are no cars coming faster than you. Otherwise, stick to the right lane.

Use your blinker. PLEASE. It doesn't really affect you, but it does other people. It's being a courteous driver. I understand not using it if no one is around you, but if you are around other people, use it. Especially if you are merging in front of another car.

Don't be a psycho driver. Slow down. You're not in that much of a hurry.

I will sing while I drive. Don't judge. Thanks for being humored by it, though.

Cruise control is awesome. I laugh at people that I keep passing. They go fast, then slow down. Then fast, then slow down. I've been going the same speed the whole time, bro.

Best way to get to the temple: Take the St George Blvd exit. Drive down all the way to 200 East and turn left. It will take you right to it with the least amount of turning. :)

You are in a car. A car is a very powerful and scary thing. Be wise.

Also in honor of my last week as a missionary, here's the last year in pictures.

Look for the little things in your life. It will bless you!!!

Keep running.

POST-CHEMO Update!

Here's an official update to the world:

• Today I'm at 11 weeks (77 days) post-Chemo.
• My hair is growing back. No more bald. And I'm so excited about it. It's really soft and I'm kind of tempted to never cut it again. It's still the same color, but I do have a huge annoying cowlick that wasn't there before.
• The only real side-effects I'm [still] feeling are neuropathy in my feet and fatigue.
• I had an appointment and CT scan up at the Huntsman Cancer Institute on Tuesday. Scan was CLEAR!!
• As long as things stay good and scans stay clear, I'm done with this cancer! No more. Goodbye.
• I'm working four days a week (my full schedule is five days), which is exhausting by Saturday night. Nevertheless, I LOVE being back at the temple.
• I seriously can't even explain how much I love my mission. I have had so many experiences where I am recognizing the Lord's hand in my life and that He really is there.
• I met Joe J Christensen and his family. I spent an hour with them. If you don't know who he is, look him up! Hint: Emeritus General Authority!
• I was switched to the morning shift in the Cafeteria on Saturdays, so I have to leave Cedar by 6 a.m.!
• If I'm guessing right, I have less than FOUR WEEKS LEFT in my mission- but I should have my official release date next Sunday.
• St. George is hotter than crap.
• USU in mid-to-late-August is still the plan. Got my apartment and class schedule set up.
• Donations to the Erik Gray College Fund are welcomed. ;)
• I'm running again! Shooting for the Cedar Half Marathon in September!
• Life is great. Seriously.
• My family is the best. I can't believe I'm so lucky to be blessed with them all.
• I love my calling, my ward, and all of you! Thanks for all you do.
• Keep running.

Two Days, People

After a six-month hiatus from my missionary service at the St George Utah Temple​ (with the exception of about three Fridays in January), I am excited to announce that I am resuming my mission on THURSDAY! Two days, people.

I'll continue on until the end of my mission in mid-July. It's been a long six months, but I've learned a lot and have never felt the missionary service stop- just come about in different ways. I know that my experiences in the last ten months as a service missionary have not happened by accident. The Church is true, God is good, and the gospel is amazing! Thanks for praying, fasting, hoping, believing in my behalf. See you at the temple... come often!!!

PS- Hallelujah, my hair is growing back!

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Some cool pictures I took last week at the Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple in South Jordan, Utah.

Keep running!