I was diagnosed with Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma on December 22, 2009 and my life has clearly never been the same since. In those seven years I have undergone 13 surgeries (biopsies, wisdom teeth included) and been to Hell and back. It's been the best of times; it's been the worst of times.
Summer 2016 was the busiest, funnest (I know it's not a word) summer of my entire life. I worked, a lot, over three jobs- online for my dad, cashiering at Lowe's, and being a group leader/mentor for Student Orientation & Registration (SOAR) at Utah State Unversity as a part of the A-Team. The most tiring part of the summer was Lowe's, for sure, and between both A-Team and Lowe's there were a few times where I was scheduled to work 9, 10, even 11 days in a row. What a nightmare, right? And you're right, it was. Mostly. A-Team days were more like my day off because I loved it that much. I could do SOAR every day for the rest of my life and be completely happy: 11 hours, one break, those same sandwiches and cookies... EVERY DAY.
I went cliff jumping, camping, hammocking, went in a sack race, made new friends, and really really enjoyed my summer. As much as I worked, I also got to play. Logan summers..... AMAZING.
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July 27, 2016 we met with a Dr John Weis at the Huntsman after waiting one week for the results of a PET scan. All we knew that point was that my cancer was back, but we weren't sure how much or how aggressive. Dr. Weis is a very friendly man, and he needed to be for his job. He works in the chemotherapy department of the hospital. He told us that there were cancerous spots in my right top ribs, right hip, and left shoulder (which explains why my shoulder I pulled at the beginning of the summer was still "healing"), and we should jump on treatment as soon as possible, and that the cancer, with my history and it's aggressiveness, was deemed incurable.
That was Wednesday. Monday, I had let the world know my cancer had returned and that I'd be moving home before the summer was over; we just didn't know how soon. I had received so much love and support Monday and Tuesday which really helped carry me through Wednesday. The plan from Wednesday? I would work the last SOAR days of the summer, Thursday and Friday (which was more of a distraction than a necessity for me), pack up Saturday, move to Salt Lake on Sunday, get a port put in Monday, and move all the way home on Monday (August 1st).
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WOW. What a week that was. We started radiation two days later and chemotherapy on the 8th, only a week after moving home. Another blessing that we were able to jump on treatment.
We completed two doses of Chemotherapy followed by a PET scan. It had helped a tiny bit, but not enough to keep going with. We switched to Immunotherapy (see previous posts about what it is and it's weird side effects), but again after another PET scan, was deemed not very satisfactory. We have slowly run out of options. Genomics didn't bring back a good result. We sent off a biopsy last week to try one more time, but again, I'm gonna call history vs mystery here...
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So now to the point here..... in especially these last four months of fighting cancer- nothing's working. We've decided to no longer do treatment. Instead, we're focusing on pain management and making sure I'm comfortable. AND GAH. IT TOTALLY COMPLETELY UNDENIABLY SUCKS and I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT OUT, let alone LIVE THIS ORDEAL.
So, it's official. We're waiting for the call to be officially put on Hospice. After that, Dr. Haslem has given me the timeline of a couple to a few months, but we'll see. There's no real answer- just that it's coming. And it's given me so many emotions- scared, frustrated, angry, positive, believing, trusting, hoping. I've kind of been prepared for this outcome since July, but still--- it's here, and it's real.
But what a joy it is for me to look back and smile. I've lived a successful life, in my eyes. I've made some big mistakes, but I've also made some big victories. I served a mission for the Lord, I've been able to grow in a loving family, I've been able to help my family grow, and I've accomplished so many things in both the spiritual and "Carpe Diem" aspect. I have a testimony of the gospel and that God is real. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and that this life isn't it. I can't imagine how much harder everything would be if I didn't believe in a hereafter.
Don't look at my life and think of how unfair this is. Please. Look at my life and let it be an example to go and do something today that makes you happy. :) Life is all about learning and growing, relying on the Spirit and enjoying the journey along the way.
So until next time, keep running.
I love you Erik Gray! You are a Rockstar and a superhero! I hope to see you soon (:
ReplyDeleteWe love you Erik. You are truly amazing and such an example to all of us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your example and strength. I'm so glad I meet you all those years ago when I came up for spring break! Stay strong
ReplyDeleteI love you Erik! You're one-of-a-kind. Thanks for teaching me so much about accepting, loving, and talking to everyone. I remember I randomly met you on the way to class one cold morning, and you were the nicest guy then you just came over and hung out and invited me to do things. You were a true friend when I felt like I didn't have many. Thank you! You have touched my life!
ReplyDeleteErik, I am so very sorry. However, I know that you have lived your life to the fullest and have impacted lives more than you know. I want to thank you for all of the memories from Washington to Disneyland D through high school and all of the adventures afterward as well. You are an amazing example! Thank you for being you!
ReplyDeleteFreaking love your guts Eric. You are the best kind of person. Always praying for you.
ReplyDeleteEric, I know that we don't know each other very well and only met this last Spring in Dr. Dupont's class, but I want to thank you for what a good group partner, friend, and example you were! I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but somehow throughout it all you have been able to inspire and uplift more people than you realize. So thanks for being you Erik.
ReplyDeleteDude, you are the MAN! Words can't express the gratitude for how much you've taught me and for the amazing light you've been in my life. You'll always have my friendship and support! I love you, man!
ReplyDeleteErik! I just read Mormon Chapters 1-9 right before reading this post. There's something so congruent with your situation and those chapters... if you get a chance to read them, I'd like to hear your thoughts about the similarities.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!
Mitchell
We love you Erik and pray for peace for you and your family. It's always the hardest for those left behind. You are a trickster and such an amazing example to our ward. Keep on swimming, keep on swimming
ReplyDeleteThank you Eric. My heart is with you
ReplyDeleteThank you Eric. My heart is with you
ReplyDeleteYou are a shining light in a dark world. We love you. We envy your courage thank you for blessing our lives with your incredible example ❤
ReplyDeleteHi Erik! You may not know me, but I also grew up in Cedar and played soccer with your sister. I ran into your blog tonight and was so inspired by you. I also went to school for COMD (at BYU) and have to say I think you would make a fine SLP! I hope to someday be as strong as you are and be such a light to others. Thank you for helping me to remember what is important, especially during this holiday season. I hope and pray the best for you and your family and all the peace and love that our Father in Heaven could bless you with.
ReplyDeleteOur family loves you, Erik! Your post today is painfully honest, but also shows the strength you have as a son of God. We, as I'm sure anyone that knows you, also are experiencing a number of emotions as we think about your circumstances. We are hurt that this is what you have to go through. We are grateful for our friendship with you. We are grateful for your example and what you have taught us. We don't understand God's timing. We, too, know of the plan of salvation and know that there is more than this life. We also celebrate our fond memories of happy times spent with you! We deeply appreciate the ways that you have made this world a better place to live! Thanks, specifically, for what you've done for Joseph, Joshua, and Isaac. We are so honored to call you our friend! Love the Palmer family
ReplyDeleteEric,I know you will be a wonderful guardian angel to your family. My mom spoke of you often and how much she loved you in primary! You are one of the bravest people I know. Love, Doni and John Wagner
ReplyDeleteYou've always been one of my greatest hero's Erik I'm so proud to have grown up with our families being so close as I have the privilege of calling you my friend. Thank you for being such a wonderful inspiration. My prayers and love are sent your way. Are you still in Cedar or Salt Lake as I'd really like to try and come see you.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful to know you and your family, Erik! You are a super hero, for sure. Your courage, strength and fantastic example through the most difficult times is truly inspiring. I'm praying for your comfort and peace as you face the road forward. Much love from the Meier family <3
ReplyDeleteEric, I don't think you really know the impact you have made on me, you truly have lived a successful life, and have been a pillar of strength and undying faith in your Heavenly Father. I am encouraged by your faith and love every day. What a joy you are to all those who meet and know you. You are a true hero and soldier of God leading your friends and family along the way. I want you to know how very much I love you and am amazed by your strength. You have fought the good battle and when your time comes you will be welcomed home by so many. Until then we all get to enjoy you a bit longer and to share with your family the blessing that you truly are.
ReplyDeleteYou are my and always be my superhero. You are amazing and the strength you have and given to others is a lot - in fact it is immeasurable. You have helped so many of us through your blog. It has shown us your great courage and faith through your trials. Your blog has helped me many many times. I will keep praying for you Erik - that you and your family will have peace and comfort. You have certainly led a great life and been able to do a lot of things on your "bucket list" along with being an perfect example of a great warrior of God through this cancer battle. I love you so much Erik. YOLO. Aunt DeAnn
ReplyDeleteThank you, Erik, for keeping your chin up and being such an amazing example of faith and hope! I most certainly agree with you in the belief that the end of this life is not final, but only the beginning to a more glorious one to follow. I know you will have one sweet friend waiting for you, and I'm sure Raquel will not be the only one.
ReplyDeleteAs I reach what I believe to be the midpoint of my own life, it has made me realize that though our days seem so long sometimes, it won't be long before I look back at the rest of my life as if it went by in the blink of an eye. Oh how I look forward to that joyful reunion we will have with our loved ones, in our perfect bodies! And I believe at that point, we will feel that the time we have been separated from our loved ones has been very short indeed.
I know that your light will continue to shine brightly wherever you are, and I know that you will continue to help many souls. Love you so much, Erik! Sending hugs and prayers for you and your family! ❤️ ~Jenni
Beautiful Jenni! Perfectly said!❤ both of you are my hero's!
DeleteErik, you are amazing! Our family appreciates your celebration of life and your testimony! We love you!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you! You are such an example to me.
ReplyDeleteErik, You are AMAZING!!!!!!! You are such an inspiration to all of us in your faith and attitude. I hope you get the chance to enjoy the time that you have left and I hope you understand the positive influence that you have had on so many lives including mine. We Love You Buddy.
ReplyDeleteEric Fieldsted
Eric,
ReplyDeleteYou have truly been a blessing to so many. I have no doubt you will have a very special place in heaven and that there will be many who come to greet you when the time comes. You have been a great strength to me and for that I will forever be grateful. Thank you for being you, for fighting hard, and for staying true to what you know. We love you! Until we meet again friend!
Eric
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing testimony of faith and courage, and I am honored to have been your teacher and friend. I continue to pray for you and your family at this time because I do believe in miracles but even more so I also believe in the Plan of Salvation. Families can be together forever and this earthly life is but a short time for us to be tested and found worthy to live in our Heavenly Father's presence again. I believe that you have passed with an A+. Thank you for such an incredible example and know that you have definitely changed the world and made it a better place. With much love and prayers. Mrs. Sanders (Terri)
Erik, thank you for expressing many of the emotions and feelings you are experiencing. Sharing the gospel through your service and example is the best thing you could do here! You are truly an instrument in the Lord's hands and you have blessed my life. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteEric I am overwhelded by your words in expressing your journey. You truly are a hero to so many, myself included. So many of us have no idea what you are going through over all, but also on a daily basis. It is amazing that you have reached out to others while you are going through hell. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteErik- I don't know if you remember being one of my 11 year old scouts... making bow and arrows up on the stage. But the memory that I will always keep of you is your smile. It made me happy then, and it still inspires me, and makes me happy. If you can smile in all your adversity, then I can smile in mine. Thanks for your example and for being a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteErik, you truly are a remarkable person. I don't have words to describe the emotions I feel for you, but I know you'll stay strong to the end and continue to be a light to the world. God be with you.
ReplyDelete-Lydia
Erik, Thank you for your inspiration. I thank Heavenly Father for letting me be a small part of your large life. God be with you till we meet again - Tonya
ReplyDeleteYou're a great inspiration Erik, thanks for being willing to share this with others, it goes a lot further than you think! We are praying for you and your family. -Heather and Kyle Allen
ReplyDeleteCapris told me about your blog. I'm grateful she was able to be with you over fall break, and your wonderful friendship from USU. Since July I have added your name to the Temple Prayer Roll. Our family has had several with cancer, especially on Capris' dad's side being Downwinders. Her grandmother, uncle, and aunt all died from cancer, her uncle was a newlywed age 30. We never stop missing them but know their love and legacy continues forever. Many times we think "Maurey would love doing this with us!" Like when we had a great morning fishing this fall. I think at special family times the Lord lets them join us whether we sense them or not.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. You don't know me but I am praying for you to be pain free, happy and at peace.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I found this, but I feel such an awe for your testimony and your contentment. I feel inspired to make my life such that I can look back and be okay with it instead of just disappointed. Thank you Erik! I'll keep you in my prayers
ReplyDeleteDear Erik,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know how much our family thinks of you. We have known you since you were in high school and have always thought you were a very well-rounded, kind, effervescent and inspirational person. I admire your courage and your generous nature during this very challenging time. We will keep you and your family in our prayers.
Erik, you are such an amazing young man. I am so very happy and honored that you came to help us that one stressful day at A day in June 2016. You are really a super hero in my eyes. You are so positive in such a negative world. THANK YOU
ReplyDelete