Life is What You Make It

Wow. I seriously cannot believe it is the last day of 2016.

This year has flown by- but at the same time, it's been a long year. Isn't it crazy to think back and look at how much has gone on in just 365 days? At this time last year, I was home for Christmas break, spending one more week at home before heading back up to Logan for the spring semester, and recuperating from the interesting semester that was Fall 2015.

As I look at the end of 2016, there are a lot of emotions that I'm feeling. Grateful that the year is over, sad that I'm leaving behind great memories of the year, and a new hope as we symbolically get to "start again."

I see some people whine and complain about how awful 2016 was, and for the next minute, I'd like to speak to you (and I mean it in the most loving way): Grow up. Sure, 2016 might have been bad to you... I've seen complaints about celebrity deaths, hard times, the tough year that just took too much. GUYS, I AM LITERALLY DYING and yet I call 2016 a success. If this was a bad year, please just take a minute and count your blessings. I am happy. Me, of all people. So please find your reason to be happy and stick to it.

In my life experiences, I am certain more and more every day that life is what you make it. If you want life to be hard, it's going to be hard. If you want life to be fun and adventurous, then again, you've got it. Yes, there are circumstances in life that cannot be controlled- for example, my cancer- but I have decided that I will worry about what I can control.

And I hope you do the same.

Happy new year, friends. Use tonight as a chance to revamp your life, to reassess your goals, and reevaluate how you can make today the best day ever!

Keep running.

I Hoped I Would Never Have to Write This Post

Those of you who have stuck around me throughout this whole ordeal, it's been a road! We all knew that.

I was diagnosed with Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma on December 22, 2009 and my life has clearly never been the same since. In those seven years I have undergone 13 surgeries (biopsies, wisdom teeth included) and been to Hell and back. It's been the best of times; it's been the worst of times.

Summer 2016 was the busiest, funnest (I know it's not a word) summer of my entire life. I worked, a lot, over three jobs- online for my dad, cashiering at Lowe's, and being a group leader/mentor for Student Orientation & Registration (SOAR) at Utah State Unversity as a part of the A-Team. The most tiring part of the summer was Lowe's, for sure, and between both A-Team and Lowe's there were a few times where I was scheduled to work 9, 10, even 11 days in a row. What a nightmare, right? And you're right, it was. Mostly. A-Team days were more like my day off because I loved it that much. I could do SOAR every day for the rest of my life and be completely happy: 11 hours, one break, those same sandwiches and cookies... EVERY DAY.

I went cliff jumping, camping, hammocking, went in a sack race, made new friends, and really really enjoyed my summer. As much as I worked, I also got to play. Logan summers..... AMAZING.

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July 27, 2016 we met with a Dr John Weis at the Huntsman after waiting one week for the results of a PET scan. All we knew that point was that my cancer was back, but we weren't sure how much or how aggressive. Dr. Weis is a very friendly man, and he needed to be for his job. He works in the chemotherapy department of the hospital. He told us that there were cancerous spots in my right top ribs, right hip, and left shoulder (which explains why my shoulder I pulled at the beginning of the summer was still "healing"), and we should jump on treatment as soon as possible, and that the cancer, with my history and it's aggressiveness, was deemed incurable.

That was Wednesday. Monday, I had let the world know my cancer had returned and that I'd be moving home before the summer was over; we just didn't know how soon. I had received so much love and support Monday and Tuesday which really helped carry me through Wednesday. The plan from Wednesday? I would work the last SOAR days of the summer, Thursday and Friday (which was more of a distraction than a necessity for me), pack up Saturday, move to Salt Lake on Sunday, get a port put in Monday, and move all the way home on Monday (August 1st).

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WOW. What a week that was. We started radiation two days later and chemotherapy on the 8th, only a week after moving home. Another blessing that we were able to jump on treatment.

We completed two doses of Chemotherapy followed by a PET scan. It had helped a tiny bit, but not enough to keep going with. We switched to Immunotherapy (see previous posts about what it is and it's weird side effects), but again after another PET scan, was deemed not very satisfactory. We have slowly run out of options. Genomics didn't bring back a good result. We sent off a biopsy last week to try one more time, but again, I'm gonna call history vs mystery here...

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So now to the point here..... in especially these last four months of fighting cancer- nothing's working. We've decided to no longer do treatment. Instead, we're focusing on pain management and making sure I'm comfortable. AND GAH. IT TOTALLY COMPLETELY UNDENIABLY SUCKS and I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT OUT, let alone LIVE THIS ORDEAL.

So, it's official. We're waiting for the call to be officially put on Hospice. After that, Dr. Haslem has given me the timeline of a couple to a few months, but we'll see. There's no real answer- just that it's coming. And it's given me so many emotions- scared, frustrated, angry, positive, believing, trusting, hoping. I've kind of been prepared for this outcome since July, but still--- it's here, and it's real.

But what a joy it is for me to look back and smile. I've lived a successful life, in my eyes. I've made some big mistakes, but I've also made some big victories. I served a mission for the Lord, I've been able to grow in a loving family, I've been able to help my family grow, and I've accomplished so many things in both the spiritual and "Carpe Diem" aspect. I have a testimony of the gospel and that God is real. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and that this life isn't it. I can't imagine how much harder everything would be if I didn't believe in a hereafter.

Don't look at my life and think of how unfair this is. Please. Look at my life and let it be an example to go and do something today that makes you happy. :) Life is all about learning and growing, relying on the Spirit and enjoying the journey along the way.

So until next time, keep running.

Update: Life, Treatments, Speaking

I figure it's time for an update.

I'm doing okay, overall. I find myself tired usually all day long.

I wake up in the mornings any time between 9 and 11 a.m., and the mornings are pretty hard. When I get out of bed, my body is pretty sore- especially my chest/shoulder area.

When I get out of bed, I walk to into the family room and sit on the couch. My mom makes me breakfast- usually waffles.

After breakfast, I either lay down on the couch and keep watching TV, or else I jump in the warm bath and get ready for the day. Either way, I'm cold for the rest of the day. Yet, if I wrap up in a huge blanket, I start sweating way bad. I have to have a thin blanket, enough to keep me warm, but not too much that I'm drenching myself in sweat.

Eating is alright- I have a much smaller appetite. If I can get a small-to-decent sized plate of food down, I consider it a success. Night time, I take a pain pill and go to bed. No matter how many blankets I have, I sweat. My pillow is west, some of my sheets are wet. It's gross, but whatev. It's life..... IMMUNO SIDE-EFFECTS SUCK. (But not as much as chemo side-effects)



Speaking of Immunotherapy, it's supposed to make me feel like I'm fighting off a flu or cold or something- and aint that the truth! I'm sweaty, I get hot and then cold really easily, and I have a cough. It affects how much I eat, and I'm tired all the time, but.... again, whatever. If that's what I've got to deal with, so be it.

BUT let me fill you in that it's not all peaches and cream here... there are so many times that I'm angry, or frustrated, or grumpy, or tired, and not "positive every second." You just don't see those emotions because you don't live here! The key though.... recognize those moments, let them happen, and then let them pass. Don't let these sad emotions overtake you and control a portion of you. Let yourself be happy more often than you let yourself be sad or angry. Life is good for a whole lot more reasons than life is bad.



I had the incredible opportunity to speak in a local ward last week. I gave a fireside about "courage through trials" and that you can't let your trials define you. I think it went very well- the youth enjoyed it. I have always wanted to give a fireside. It's my dream to be a motivational speaker- so step one: DONE.

I have the opportunity again this week to speak in a devotional. The two LDS Young Single Adult (YSA) stakes hold a devotional every Sunday night- usually enough people come to fill the chapel and gym, so it's going to be huge! I get to speak at this Sunday's devotional (Nov 6) at 6 p.m. If you're in town- come! 61 N 900 W, Cedar City.

Well, that's all for today. Keep running.

It's Surgery Time

My lung has been filling up with fluid since I started with chemo. Well, technically, its between my lung and the chest cavity wall, like the picture shows.

I'm getting a lot better at anatomy, now. :]

Because it keeps filling up with fluid, I'm having a surgery on Monday Oct 3rd where they will fix this.

Again, taken from my the family blog. Good writing, Mom:

"Erik has his pleurodesis surgery scheduled for Monday in St. George.  We met with Dr. Bowles and feel comfortable with his knowledge and genuine care. This will be a good thing.  Because of the nature of how this technique works, Erik will get to stay in the St. George hospital for about 4 days.  He will have a drain attached to the pleural space in his lung.  The first day will probably be his worst because of the larger size of breathing tube that they will use during the surgery. Always causes a dry throat.  The rest of the days will be rough in the sense that he'll be in the hospital rather than being in the comforts of home.  :)  Good thing for Netflix, laptops and social media! 

He started his Immunotherapy on Wednesday and received his Xgeva shot (to help with bones).  It was a fast Infusion Treatment appointment.  We were in and out in an hour and a half!  So far, so good on side effects.  He's felt achey and a little yuck... but not as much as he felt when he had chemo.  There is bone pain in spots and again... Lortab and a heating pad are good remedies.  And Claritan for Xgeva side effects." (Blog link here)


Keep running.

Immunotherapy = No More Chemo

For this update, I've taken what my mom wrote on the family blog.
Great writing, Mom:

Onward and Upward & Trust in the Lord

Before Dennis' parents passed away, Bob in 1989 and Barbara in 2007, they had a family motto... mission statement - not sure - but I remember Barbara often saying:

Here we are in September of 2016, pushing forward - onward and upward

The news from Dr. Haslem at Erik's appointment on Wednesday wasn't the greatest.  He said the PET scan didn't look any better.  So no more chemo... it's not working. 

BUT, lets get going on Immunotherapy.

It will take a week to get things set up with paperwork and approvals... because insurances aren't recognizing it yet for Erik's type of cancer.  It has been approved for certain types of cancer... just not Erik's, yet.  It's a trial. We don't know if it will work.  You never know until you try! 

Next Wednesday is set up to start.  It is an IV infusion, taking about 30-60 minutes.  Every 3 weeks.  This can be done in the Cedar Cancer center.  After a few cycles (about 6 weeks) he will be re-evaluated.  Hopefully this is the ticket!

Read about Immunology.

Watch a video about it.

The genomics testing is taking awhile, too.  Some of the sample they got for one of the labs wasn't sufficient.  Erik, was like... ahhhh, "do they need to do another biopsy?"  The answer was no... they have more cancer tissue to use from the main source.  So that's good!

In the meantime, Erik is thrilled to not have the fanny pack chemo pump for a 96 hour stretch with all the side affects that go with it!

He has been feeling better to do a few things and go a few places.

The cancer in various spots is getting more painful, but is manageable... Lortab is his friend.

He had a pleural effusion on Wednesday, too. (lung fluid drained)  The appointment for a consult to have it fixed... a Pleurodesis...is next Tuesday in St. George.  It might take a few weeks to get on the surgery schedule.  Erik will continue to have it drained until then... about once a week or so.  It is the cancer on his lungs that causes it to fill.

I am so glad Erik had the chance and took the chance to go up north and see friends last week.  His plans were on, then off, then on again.  He just didn't feel the greatest physically.  His heart wanted to go so bad and have fun hanging with friends and doing something other than being at home.  It was good for him to finally feel good enough and just go do it!  He continues to say YOLO!
He got the chance to go the Mt Timp Temple... and he saw DeAnn, my sister, who works there.  And was able to go the new Provo City Center Temple.  He had lots of family history names to do.  He hung out with various groups of friends and family from Friday to Monday.  He was too tired to come home Sunday.  He played it safe and got a hotel and came home Monday.  He slept a lot the next two days!


---

Keep running.

Your Mountain is Waiting

You're all familiar with Facebook Memories, yeah?

You know, it is really cool: being able to see past adventures, that dumb post you made in high school ("Erik is... excited to go on a cool trip with my family." Really??), and Friendaversaries. All of your Facebook life on a continuous log. Ohhh, the memories.

It's really interesting to me that "past Erik" has really been able to help me lately. There have been quite a number of instances lately where I look at my Memories and see a quote or post that happened one or two or five years ago and it is exactly what I needed to hear. Yesterday, it was a quote about the temple. Last week, it was something about my new move to Logan. I'm grateful that I took the courage to post "inspiring stuff" so that I could have it to look back on some day.

TOOOOOODAY, I stumbled upon this post:

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It brought back the memory of the biggest YOLO moment of my entire life: hiking to the 11,000 ft summit of Mt Timpanogus to see the sunrise. And the best part? A friend (in which I haven't been in super great contact with over the years) posted on Facebook about going on this hike and I thought, "What the heck" right then and decided to do it. I didn't prepare for weeks for it, the hike was happening in two days time. I still remember leaving Logan at 10 p.m. on Sunday night, getting some McMidnight food in Orem ('cause ya know, didn't want to break the Sabbath, and needed some sort of energy food), and meeting at my friend's house. We started the hike at 1 a.m., flashlights, jackets, and all. IN THE DARK. 7.3 miles up. 

Once we got to the Saddle, the high part "before things got real crazy", the summit before the summit, we huddled in blankets and I just thought about how cold I was and how in the heck I was going to survive this blasted hike. We trudged on, reaching the summit not even 10 minutes before the sunrise: PERFECT timing. We climbed down a few steps on the east side of some rocks, where it was magically 40 degrees warmer. We got to watch the sun peak over the mountains across a vast landscape. With my "pro" Utah geographical knowledge, I could see Heber, the Jordanelle, everything. And. The. View. Was. Amazing. Literally one of those moments you see in the movies where the music is all grand and life is just awesome. I also remember that there were some hikers right below us who had brought bacon and a fryer- it might sound stupid, but at that height and that level of tired, they were the most coveted people on the mountain.

The walk down was great. We slid down a small hill of shale (stick to the path, folks), I was able to ditch my warmer layers, and we hiked the 7.3 miles down. Ironically, toward the bottom I thought, "This path just keeps going." And, "Are we ever going to get to the bottom?" Followed by, "I don't remember any of this, or the trail being this long." (Remember, we hiked up in the dark.) Buuut, eventually we made it, we got in the car, we celebrated, we got donuts, and I slept sooo good that night.

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Now, what is the point of all of this? Well, one... journaling. Two... seeing this post from a year ago reminded me that life is grand. I've made some fantastic memories and I think I've really learned how to 'seize the day'- a lesson that I'll definitely carry for the rest of my life. I've climbed mountains. I can do hard things. I HIKED UP A MOUNTAIN IN THE DARK for crying out loud- so what can't I do?

Life has thrown some crazy curveballs and some pretty big crap at me, so it was nice to get a little reminder that there ain't no mountain high enough, there ain't nothing I can't do, and there ain't a chance that I'm giving up on anything.

Dr Seuss says it best: "You're off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so... get on your way!"

Go climb a mountain, friends.

Keep running.

45 Ways to Have a Happy Life

Life is great. At least, I think so!

As I was putting my room together, organizing boxes, reading through old papers, and putting up pictures, I noticed a piece of paper I've kept since my senior year of high school. In Adult Roles, I learned so many applicable lessons, and this paper was my favorite takeaway from that class.

Mrs. Leavitt gave us a paper entitled "Great Recipe," and it's just that: a great recipe for a great life. I read through this paper every now and then, and something different seems to jump out every time. So without further ado, here's some life advice:

 Great Recipe

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning, complete the following statement, "I am thankful for __________."
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
5. Eat plenty of green and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
20. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!
21. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
22. Each night before you go to bed, complete the following statement, "I am thankful for __________."
23. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
24. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

Plus a few more I added from my experience... 

• Go to the temple regularly. However often that is.
• Have a picture of the temple in your room.
• Have a picture of Christ in a few places: your room, your car, your wallet?
• Thank Heavenly Father for your trials. He trusts us enough to give us these hefty things to deal with.
• Say a gratitude prayer every so often: don't ask for anything, just say thanks. Try setting a timer, too. (I tried it for 15 minutes once... a lot easier than I anticipated!)
• Tell your parents you love them.
• Talk to your mom. Tell her about your day.
• Send a nice text to someone you haven't talked to in a while.
• When someone makes you angry, try seeing things from their situation.
• Change the radio station to uplifting music every so often.
• Celebrate the small moments.
• Make a memory. YOLO.
• Do something awesome, however small, every day.
• Relive something from your childhood.... play Nintendo? Play a board game.
• Do something completely out of your comfort zone.
• Instead of sitting in silence (on the bus, before class, etc), talk to your neighbor. I dare you to find something mutual between the two of you!
• Learn how to say no. You don't have to say yes to ever single thing.
• Go buy ice cream and eat it straight out of the carton.
• Find a reason to be happy, rather than a reason to be unhappy.
• When you're given a bad situation, make the most out of it.
• Shorten your time on social media.

Keep running.

Quick Update- Radiation, GRE, Logan, and Alaska

• I finished radiation. We did 10 treatments, mostly to control the pain. (It worked)
• SIDE NOTE- My radiation peeps are amazing. We started radiation literally two days after I moved home. Champs.
• Chemo update: number one down. I get more chemo in two weeks. I haven't felt very nauseous, just bloaty and tired. Oh, and tired.
• I still have hair. If I had to bet on the day it would fall out, I'd say next Tuesday (14 days post treatment).
• I hate mornings.
• Tuition is due today and I don't have to pay (suckerrrrrs).
• I also realized that I was going to take the GRE today. Since I'm taking a year off, I also get to push that back a year. Looks like I dodged that bullet!
• I'M GOING TO LOGAN THIS WEEKEND AND SO EXCITED.
• Alsooooooooo.... I'm going to ALASKA next week!

PS....... To all who have reached out in some way: sent a HAT, a package, even a text.... it REALLY helps. And your effort has not gone unnoticed. Thank you.

Keep running.

Start of Treatment

It's crazy what can happen in a month.

On the 4th of July, I had just gotten off of work and went to go visit my parents and brother, Justin, who had come up to Logan for the evening. Things were well. We had an appointment with the Huntsman the next day, but expected good results.

Like I said, it's crazy what can happen in a month. In that month, we went to a doctor's appointment at least once a week, found out my cancer was back, and I moved back home to Cedar City. Completely not what I expected.

In fact, it's crazy what can happen in 10 days.... that was when I had written my last blog post. In that time, I've found out that my cancer is in a few spots (my right rib, left shoulder and right hip) and that we're jumping on the treatment train now.

I started radiation yesterday (Happy birthday, Dad), and I start chemotherapy next Tuesday (Happy birthday, Ashley).

People have told me that I have a lot of optimism, and that is true, but let me tell ya.... this whole thing sucks. So bad. I don't want to do chemo again, lose my hair, experience nausea, experience pain, not live in Logan, not do A-Team stuff, and not go to school. But let me point out some awesome things that have come out of this:

• I am living in Cedar City..... now that I'm home, I love it. It's nice to be back with my family, nice to see old friends, and nice to be around my siblings and their families. I think the reason I love Logan so much is because it reminds me of Cedar!
• I got a lot of love and support... from everyone.
• On Monday of last week (the 25th), I spread the word of what was up. I got SO many texts, comments, messages that really meant a lot to me. For all of you who did something for me that day, thank you.
• The next day, a SOAR day, all my A-Team family wore blue ribbons... in MY honor. :')
• On Friday of that week (just six days ago), some of the A-Team shaved their heads, again in my honor.
• My cousins shaved their heads.
• My aunt started a little Facebook "uplift Erik" thing for me.
• My ward wore blue ribbons for me.

The A-Team wearing blue ribbons

Some of the A-Team shaved their heads

I love the 18th ward

• Some friends and roommates helped me pack my car
• My parents helped me take my stuff home, and unpack (I got a port in on Monday, so that the docs wont have to start an IV in and destroy my veins. For that, I'm supposed to take it easy for a few days, and that's why they got to carry in the heavy stuff)

(video idea credit: Jenna and Isabel)

As most of you know, one of my jobs this summer was being on the A-Team and working on Student Orientation and Registration (SOAR) days. As an A-Teamer, I get to welcome students, get them excited to come here, have my own small group, answer any questions they have before they start school, and just help them in their quest for awesomeness. A few weeks ago, when I knew something was up, my biggest prayer was that I could still finish out the last SOAR days. Things worked out perfectly, and I finished the last SOAR day last Friday. I don't get to be a TA for the Connections course a week before school, and I'm done with the other A-Team stuff once the semester starts, but as far as SOAR, I got to do it all.

And let me tell you: BEST JOB EVER.

Thanks for letting SOAR work out. :)

So, the plan. Like I said, I started radiation yesterday. I'm in a little bit of pain, but still able to function at about 80%. We are radiating a few spots on my shoulder and rib, followed by some chemotherapy which starts next Tuesday. The chemo rounds will be every 3rd week, and we'll go four cycles right now and see where we're at. As it's been this whole cancer journey, it's a waiting game, so I'll update you later. For now, we just wait and see!

I mean it when I say it: Life is good. God is good. Every day is an adventure, and every day is amazing!

Keep running.

Dear World, I Have Cancer (Again)

It's always frustrating when I have to give out this type of news.


But let's get right down to it.   My cancer's back.

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Let me take you back to three weeks ago... the 4th of July. My parents and brother decided that after the ward breakfast, they'd come spend a day up in Logan, and then we'd all go to my doctors appointments the next day. They arrived in town at 3, right about the time I got off work. I got to show them my house, where I work/worked, and some of the coolest places around Logan (like Heaven and the Hobbit Caves). That night, after dinner, I stay with my parents in their hotel, and my brother and I went and rode scooters. It was a great night! The next morning, I got to show them around campus, show them my old OFFICE! and also they met a few of my A-Team bosses. And then we got Aggie Ice Cream.

We drove down to Salt Lake, my brother and I in my car, followed by my parents in their car. I had my head/neck/chest CT scan, and an hour later met with Dr. Hunt. It was a pretty quick visit. He came in and said,

"Your neck looks great! I'll look at the official report tomorrow and give you a call."

And that was that. Or so we thought.

The next day, I had a 4 hour shift in the morning at Lowe's. During that time, I had missed two calls, both from the same number. I figured it was Dr. Hunt. So I waited and waited. After work, I called back Dr. Hunt's nurse, Anne, and she said that he just went into surgery, but he wanted to talk with me and he would call later.

I had the thought that if Dr. Hunt himself wanted to talk to me, it wasn't good. So I waited. Finally, at 6, he called me and told me what was up.

"Like I said, your neck looks great, but there's a spot on your chest that's concerning. We'd like to do a biopsy and figure this out."

That was three weeks ago.

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Two weeks ago, I had a biopsy. Nothing too big. They just poked me and got a sample. Nothing special to report there.

EXCEPT that my mom is super awesome, and came and met me for it. We stayed in a hotel in Bountiful and she went with me to those appointments, we drove around the Bountiful temple, and went to this really good Pizza Factory-like place.

We waited and waited to hear the results, and didn't hear anything.

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Catch up now to last week, the 18th (which, for the record, is the anniversary of my mission! Two years ago I started, and a year ago, I was released). I got off work at 1:30 pm, and felt like I just needed to go home for a few days. So, I called my brother to see what was happening, and decided to surprise the whole family. Only my brother knew.

IT WAS SO AWESOME TO GO HOME. AND EVERYONE WAS SO SURPRISED!

It was really good that I was on my way home, because I decided to call Anne and check up. She said that the results were confirmed, its the same cancer. My cancer's back. Like I said, it was good to be home to be able to process all these feelings with my family around.

The next thing on the list was to get a PET scan- a scan on my whole body where they inject me with "radioactive sugar" (their words) and scan me... the tumors eat up sugar fast.

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That brings us to now..... here's whats happening:

• The path we're taking is probably chemotherapy
• I don't know about surgery, how much cancer there is, etc. We're still kind of in the beginning stages.... I just want to let you know

The biggest change: I'm moving back home. Around the first or second week of August-- sorry Logan. :( For that reason, I'm not going to school this next semester, possibly spring semester, too. I'm doing SOAR this week, but after that, I'm done with the A-Team stuff :( no Connections (being a TA for a class that happens right before school starts).

The most frustrating this has been the battle all along during this cancer stuff... aligning my will to God's. There are so many things I want to do, but God has a different plan. I want to be in Logan, I want to continue with more A-Team stuff. I LOVE Logan, and I feel like this town and school were made for me... and now I need to move back home. Don't get me wrong, I love home and I'm excited, in a way, to move back, but I'm still upset about changing all my plans again. I'm a Writing Fellow (tutor), on the NSSLHA board, and volunteer at the hospital, and I'll have to give that all up for a time.

HOWEVER, I know God has a plan for me. I know this is happening for a reason. And although it sucks and it's come back AGAIN, I've felt peace this whole time. So have my parents. No matter what happens, it's all going to be okay!

Yesterday in Church, we sang Come, Come Ye Saints, and verse two really stuck out to me:

Come, Come Ye Saints: Hymns #30

The things that are worth it are not going to come easy. My life is worth it, and what I learn from life is worth it. Yeah, it all sucks sometimes, but that's okay. I've got an excellent support system, amazing family, and amazing friends.

These are the times that truly define character.

Let's go.

Keep running.