No Hair, Do[n't] Care

What do you think of when you first hear the word 'chemo'--- bald head? Me too.

My very first round of chemo in November and December made my hair thin, but it didn't fall out. Although this round is a higher dose, along with another type of chemo (which FYI are freaking horse pills), I was thinking that I would have the same result with my hair. But, I was wrong.

To recap, this chemo is administered over about nine weeks. I have four doses, spaced three weeks apart. I got my second one today, but more details on that later as side effects start kicking in. In about six weeks, I'll have my last dose. I have two types of chemo: Cisplatin, administered intravenously- IV- along with my fluids and anti-nausea I get. The other type of chemo is Etoposide, aminstered orally. I take four pills a day for three days, and the pills are the largest I've seen in my pill-taking life.

Pill-taking life.... maybe the wrong choice of words, but you know what I mean- right? Do you remember those toys that looked like this, and when you put them in the water, they grew into those spongy animals? Let's hope there wasn't a mix-up like that.

On second thought, let's hope there was. #IdRatherEataASpongeThanChemo

The scene is last week, sitting at two weeks after Chemo #1 and one week before Chemo #2. Monday afternoon. I jumped in the shower, ran my hands through my 1 1/2 inch hair. I looked down at my hands and see quite a bit of hair, reached up to my head, pulled  a little clump, and the sight in my hand confirmed what was going on- the chemo is making my hair fall out. I didn't wash my hair, but just rinsed off, got out of the shower, and showed my Mom. She said that she had seen a few little pieces on my white Sunday shirt the night before.

I put off getting back into the shower and doing anything about my hair. We talked that "maybe it would just thin before, so we wouldn't need to shave it all off," but I knew from the start I'd end up shaving it. I decided to wait til the morning, get in the shower, really wash my hair and see how much would fall out and go from there.

So Tuesday morning, we cut my hair. Aaand had fun with it.

Interesting fact for all you Biology junkies out there- if you pull one of your hair follicles right now, you'll notice that the follicle is white. The hair follicle from my head is black. Why? Chemo is killing the fast growing cells.

*I'll answer any possible question now: Only the hair from my head is falling off. Nowhere else. Done. No more. Now you know.*

How do I look bald?

You may not think that a guy cutting hair for this reason isn't that hard. And for some people, I'm sure it's a breeze. For me, it has been the hardest part of this whole deal. It hit home that this really IS what I'm dealing with right now. It made everything feel more real, especially because I have done good with the first dose. I've never had a breakdown, but last week was about the closest I've gotten.

I like to think that I do pretty good with being put on the spot; I do good in front of people, and I've always considered myself a 'people person.' I don't like to feel vulnerable, I am faced with a lot of weakness, but most of the time I have learned to look past and grow from my weaknesses. However, this new bald head has made me feel so vulnerable. I'm the guy who is obviously going through cancer. I never wanted to have a bald head. I've never been a hat person.

So now you know.  Have gotten better about writing my insecurities, but being bald is hard for me. I don't like it. People have told me that I pull it off good, but I still don't like it. It's just hair, but as a cancer patient, losing your hair for reasons other than your own is just a symbol of the loss. Cancer is a loss of many things: your "perfect health", privacy, salivary glands, teeth, mandible, normal fibula, partial tongue function, future plans, worry-free future. Cancer is not easy.

However, with loss comes gain. Closer relationships with my family, to be around home for the birth of new family members, the opportunity to use my experiences to help others, see friends come home from missions, spend more time talking and listening, some cool Skullcandy headphones, and countless other gains. The greatest gain from all this has been my testimony. I have learned time and time again that patience is necessary in life and in the life to come. I know that hard times are ultimately for our advantage, and someday we are going to look back and know exactly why we went through what we did, what we needed to learn from it, and how it helped make us better people.

Life is not going to be all easy. I hate to break it to you. But from that uneasy life, you are going to grow in ways that you never thought you were possible. If you only knew. If I only knew. Heavenly Father knows. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, knows. The Holy Ghost knows and He will guide you every step of the way, as you are worthy of that guidance. Don't you give up.

I said it once, I'll say it again: with loss comes gain.

Keep running.