Life is What You Make It

Wow. I seriously cannot believe it is the last day of 2016.

This year has flown by- but at the same time, it's been a long year. Isn't it crazy to think back and look at how much has gone on in just 365 days? At this time last year, I was home for Christmas break, spending one more week at home before heading back up to Logan for the spring semester, and recuperating from the interesting semester that was Fall 2015.

As I look at the end of 2016, there are a lot of emotions that I'm feeling. Grateful that the year is over, sad that I'm leaving behind great memories of the year, and a new hope as we symbolically get to "start again."

I see some people whine and complain about how awful 2016 was, and for the next minute, I'd like to speak to you (and I mean it in the most loving way): Grow up. Sure, 2016 might have been bad to you... I've seen complaints about celebrity deaths, hard times, the tough year that just took too much. GUYS, I AM LITERALLY DYING and yet I call 2016 a success. If this was a bad year, please just take a minute and count your blessings. I am happy. Me, of all people. So please find your reason to be happy and stick to it.

In my life experiences, I am certain more and more every day that life is what you make it. If you want life to be hard, it's going to be hard. If you want life to be fun and adventurous, then again, you've got it. Yes, there are circumstances in life that cannot be controlled- for example, my cancer- but I have decided that I will worry about what I can control.

And I hope you do the same.

Happy new year, friends. Use tonight as a chance to revamp your life, to reassess your goals, and reevaluate how you can make today the best day ever!

Keep running.

I Hoped I Would Never Have to Write This Post

Those of you who have stuck around me throughout this whole ordeal, it's been a road! We all knew that.

I was diagnosed with Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma on December 22, 2009 and my life has clearly never been the same since. In those seven years I have undergone 13 surgeries (biopsies, wisdom teeth included) and been to Hell and back. It's been the best of times; it's been the worst of times.

Summer 2016 was the busiest, funnest (I know it's not a word) summer of my entire life. I worked, a lot, over three jobs- online for my dad, cashiering at Lowe's, and being a group leader/mentor for Student Orientation & Registration (SOAR) at Utah State Unversity as a part of the A-Team. The most tiring part of the summer was Lowe's, for sure, and between both A-Team and Lowe's there were a few times where I was scheduled to work 9, 10, even 11 days in a row. What a nightmare, right? And you're right, it was. Mostly. A-Team days were more like my day off because I loved it that much. I could do SOAR every day for the rest of my life and be completely happy: 11 hours, one break, those same sandwiches and cookies... EVERY DAY.

I went cliff jumping, camping, hammocking, went in a sack race, made new friends, and really really enjoyed my summer. As much as I worked, I also got to play. Logan summers..... AMAZING.

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July 27, 2016 we met with a Dr John Weis at the Huntsman after waiting one week for the results of a PET scan. All we knew that point was that my cancer was back, but we weren't sure how much or how aggressive. Dr. Weis is a very friendly man, and he needed to be for his job. He works in the chemotherapy department of the hospital. He told us that there were cancerous spots in my right top ribs, right hip, and left shoulder (which explains why my shoulder I pulled at the beginning of the summer was still "healing"), and we should jump on treatment as soon as possible, and that the cancer, with my history and it's aggressiveness, was deemed incurable.

That was Wednesday. Monday, I had let the world know my cancer had returned and that I'd be moving home before the summer was over; we just didn't know how soon. I had received so much love and support Monday and Tuesday which really helped carry me through Wednesday. The plan from Wednesday? I would work the last SOAR days of the summer, Thursday and Friday (which was more of a distraction than a necessity for me), pack up Saturday, move to Salt Lake on Sunday, get a port put in Monday, and move all the way home on Monday (August 1st).

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WOW. What a week that was. We started radiation two days later and chemotherapy on the 8th, only a week after moving home. Another blessing that we were able to jump on treatment.

We completed two doses of Chemotherapy followed by a PET scan. It had helped a tiny bit, but not enough to keep going with. We switched to Immunotherapy (see previous posts about what it is and it's weird side effects), but again after another PET scan, was deemed not very satisfactory. We have slowly run out of options. Genomics didn't bring back a good result. We sent off a biopsy last week to try one more time, but again, I'm gonna call history vs mystery here...

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So now to the point here..... in especially these last four months of fighting cancer- nothing's working. We've decided to no longer do treatment. Instead, we're focusing on pain management and making sure I'm comfortable. AND GAH. IT TOTALLY COMPLETELY UNDENIABLY SUCKS and I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT OUT, let alone LIVE THIS ORDEAL.

So, it's official. We're waiting for the call to be officially put on Hospice. After that, Dr. Haslem has given me the timeline of a couple to a few months, but we'll see. There's no real answer- just that it's coming. And it's given me so many emotions- scared, frustrated, angry, positive, believing, trusting, hoping. I've kind of been prepared for this outcome since July, but still--- it's here, and it's real.

But what a joy it is for me to look back and smile. I've lived a successful life, in my eyes. I've made some big mistakes, but I've also made some big victories. I served a mission for the Lord, I've been able to grow in a loving family, I've been able to help my family grow, and I've accomplished so many things in both the spiritual and "Carpe Diem" aspect. I have a testimony of the gospel and that God is real. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and that this life isn't it. I can't imagine how much harder everything would be if I didn't believe in a hereafter.

Don't look at my life and think of how unfair this is. Please. Look at my life and let it be an example to go and do something today that makes you happy. :) Life is all about learning and growing, relying on the Spirit and enjoying the journey along the way.

So until next time, keep running.