Today's CT Scan Results

Fear of the Unknown

It's that time of year again!

Every so often, it's time to get a CT scan and see how things look in relation to this cancer crap I've been dealing with. Last week was the start of "that time." I drove down for a CT scan at the Huntsman. Literally in an out of that hospital in half an hour.

Right now, it's just about 2:30 a.m. I can't sleep. I can never really sleep the night before an appointment. This coming afternoon, we'll meet with Dr. Hunt to see how my scan looked; I'll know if the cancer is still gone, or if it came back. And to be honest, I don't know what to think. I'm feeling pretty optimistic because we've done a lot to get rid of this cancer, but I just get worried around this time of year; my cancer seems to rear its ugly head in again and again.

Honestly, I'm prepared for anything to happen. I'm sitting at a crossroad of two pretty different roads.
In one direction, my cancer's back. I have to get more surgeries, I have more to deal with, and I have this life up in Logan to worry about.
In the other direction, everything is still clear, I get to "go on with life", have a great spring semester, enjoy my time here in Logan, and get ready to just move on with life.

There's a lot of uncertainty for the moment, but there are some things I do know:

• Jesus Christ lives. He lived on the Earth, died for us, and rose again. He's the reason that we can even have the chance to return to our Heavenly Father again.
• I will never be alone in all that do. Alma said that "he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [aid] his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12)

• Family can be forever. I love my family and I'm super grateful for the chance to spend eternity with them. They teach me to love, lead, share, testify, and aid. It urges me to create that atmosphere for the family I start someday.
• PEACE is seriously shining through with this gospel. I have never felt more peace and happiness than I have during church, especially partaking of the sacrament. I crave Sundays, and I crave Institute- a church class during the week. I've never really felt how vital that peace is in my life until this semester; everything seemed to be going a million miles an hour, but I felt immediate peace in Institute.
• Things happen for a reason. It's something I hear, you hear, we all hear, often. I know, though, that Heavenly Father is constantly aware of all that goes on in my life. I'm sure it's hard for Him to see me go through trials, but I am a firm believer that if he knew that no good could come out of a trial, it wouldn't happen. Every trial I've had has had some kind of benefit in my life and ultimately made me a stronger person.

-------

I've always been a planner. I'm pretty adaptable, but I like to have somewhat of a plan. And let's be real, cancer has screwed that all up. I still am afraid for the unknown, because it's exactly that- unknown. I don't know for sure what I'll be doing six months from now; you could say the same thing. You might have an idea, but you never know.

Although it's the unknown, I have to remember that the unknown is okay- because someone DOES know. My life isn't just in my hands, but the hands of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior and brother Jesus Christ. Because they know it all, there are sometimes that all I can do is trust.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I may not get to choose the path I go down, but I can choose how I travel down that path. Will I use my experiences to help others? Will I use my experiences to make sure that I am living righteously?

The cancer "path less traveled" may be behind me. I hope it is! Whatever lies ahead, no matter what it is, I know it'll make all the difference. 

Keep running.

Let's [Not] Compare

I'm going to make myself vulnerable for a minute.

Over my lifetime, I've discovered that I'm really bad at comparing myself with others. I wish I didn't have this weakness, but I do.

I don't want to give you any specific instances, but I will tell you that I've been jealous of friends/roommates/etc that I see going on dates, having a girlfriend, meeting tons of new people. I see guys at what I feel like is the same point as me, but they have so much more going for them (from my point of view). I feel like I should be "as far along" as people around me.

Facebook and Instagram are another problem for me--- And this quote sums up how I feel perfectly: 

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare
our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

Social media is a false window into people's lives. Honestly, how willing am I to post about the bad moments? Only the good, fun, exciting ones, right? It's fun to see updates, and I love seeing what people are up to, but I walk away sadder when I spend a lot of time on social media.

I think it's "human" to feel like that, but to key is not to dwell on it. Here's the thing: I'm not like anyone else, and therefore, I don't have the same story as everyone else. No one else has served a mission exactly like mine, had ten neck surgeries, two rounds of chemo and radiation, and the many other good and bad things I've faced in my life. I'm not saying this to try and say I'm better than anyone else, but to tell you- we're all different.

Because I'm different than the people around me, why in the world should I compare myself to people who have a different life story than me? Erik's journey is my own and I'm happy to tell you my story, but I don't want to compare drafts.

I've come to realize over the last few years just how personal the gospel of Jesus Christ is. His Atonement is infinite and eternal, and available to everyone, and helps me and you in the personal battles we have. My witness of the Book of Mormon is personal. My patriarchal blessing is personal guidance just for me. When I pray to my Heavenly Father, it's personal. Why? Because my journey is not yours, just like your journey is not mine.

My biggest weapon against the fight of worldly comparison is perspective. I try to keep the perspective that I am unique, that the Lord is highly invested in our lives, and that our goal here on this earth is to learn and grow. Perspective in the scriptures, rather than on social media.


Comparing myself to others is what's holding me back, but today is a chance to make a change.

Keep running.

Choices

I have a friend that used to live in Cedar City, and I remember how she always talked about how amazing, social, and awesome Logan is. The way she described it: "In Cedar, I would invite 20 people to a party, and five would show up. In Logan, I invite five people, and 20 would show up!"

I came up to Logan back in March for a few days to look for an apartment, meet with my advisor, and just get a little more prepped for moving up here. From just two days in Logan, I noticed that my friend wasn't just "talking up" Logan, but she was serious. In the month and a half I've been living up here, I have met lots of new people, made some new memories, and really had some fun adventures. Because I consider myself super social, my friend and I decided that "Logan was made for me."

I'm a Junior now- taking 16 credits this semester. Buuut it feels like 100 credits. I am taking "COMD" (Communicative Disorders) classes, and heading toward a degree in Communicative Disorders- emphasis of Speech-Language Pathology. It's interesting being at the point where I'm in all of my classes with the same group of people. My longest days are Wednesdays... I have a break in the morning, but from 3:30 on, I have my Anatomy lab, ASL lab, and Institute. The only thing that gets me through those days is that I end it with Institute. What a blessing! Just for the record, my Institute class is AMAZING. I have never been so spiritually uplifted.

I got a job. A really good one. I have been working as the "Membership and Marketing Assistant" for the Utah State University Alumni Association since right before school began. I love that job! I love the work I got to do. The only downfall to is it that I don't necessarily like sitting in an office all day, ya know?

I have my own office!

---

During Week 2 of the semester, I came to realize just how crazy my homework schedule was. It was an incredibly busy week around that time, but it's been pretty busy since. I'm at that point I need to make sure I'm studying the information, and I have had two to three tests a week. Working an on-campus job has been a dream of mine, because I seriously had the best work schedule; I would work Monday through Friday roughly from 11 am to 1 pm, and again from 3 to 5 pm. Never past 5, no weekends, mostly, and no Sundays. Dream job.

But it became kind of apparent that it was hard on me. I couldn't even start my homework til I got home at 5ish, and then I would want to eat dinner, and relax for a little bit, and then it would be later in the evening. No bueno. It's been my post-mission goal to attend the temple once a week, and during that crazy week, I didn't even make it to the temple- I was so busy! So, I prayed to know what to do. I talked with my parents, a lot. I had a few decisions to make, and I didn't know what was the right thing for me to do. I didn't want to quit this awesome job, but I didn't have time to really do anything.

So there I sat in Institute during Week 3. Sad that I didn't make it to the temple the week before. Tired, and really hoping to receive some inspiration for my life. Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel is all about Christ, and I love that class. Christ knows exactly what we are going through, and He knew that day what I needed to hear... I don't even remember what talk we were talking about, but I was hit so strongly by the sentence (and I'm paraphrasing) Don't let the good things overpower the things that are essential. My job is good, it's nice to have the blessings that come from a job, like, ya know, money. But I felt that if having a job was interfering with my time to go to the temple, or take precedence over the essential things, I needed to make a change.

So the next day, I sat down with my boss and explained my situation: school is more than I thought, I would love to still work at the Alumni Center, but I would need to cut down my hours. It was a really good chat, and my boss thanked me for my candor. He decided that they would hire someone else to work the 20 hours, but I have still worked for them off and on throughout this transition. I don't know how my story with the Alumni Center will go on, but I'll let you know when I know.

---

I just know that the Lord has blessed me immensely. I feel His power and strength as I try to attend the temple regularly. For me, it's once a week. For you, it might be different, and that's okay, just make it regular. My biggest worry has been with my financial situation, but I'm focusing on doing what I know is right with my money (tithing and fast offerings), and I have seen that following those commandments have blessed me. Somehow, my paycheck has been bigger than I thought. I'm not complaining. ;)

I have learned that blessings do come when we choose to serve the Lord. It requires that choice on our side, though. Make the choice, now, to serve. As you hold to the gospel, to the feelings you know are right, it might not be easy. However, the gospel makes life easier. I know firsthand.

Keep running.

Cancer and College

As I prepare to move up to Logan for school (two days!!), I've been thinking a lot about my life here in Cedar City, and therefore the experiences I've been through. I've also been thinking about how it will feel to get back into school and classes again. I found an essay I wrote a few months ago, and it helped me realize one thing that cancer has given me: perspective in everything. Good luck with school!!

I knew at a young age that I wanted to pursue a career in which I could help people. That was solidified at age 15, when I was diagnosed with cancer in my salivary glands. The five-and-a-half year journey that included numerous surgeries, relapses, radiation, and chemotherapy have both helped and hindered my college pursuit in ways that I wouldn’t have imagined. 

My college experience began in my home town of Cedar City, Utah at Southern Utah University in the fall of 2012. I stood six months clear from a relapse, in which I had a surgery to removed cancer-infected tissue from my neck. Toward the end of the semester, however, I was faced with yet another relapse, this time requiring a major 13-hour surgery which would take place the day after my last final. Because of the immensity of this surgery, I made the choice to un-register for the upcoming spring semester, so that I could recover and focus on my health. It put me behind a semester, and I wish I could have kept going with my schooling. 

On the other hand, I have been blessed in regards to my higher education because of cancer. Months after my major surgery, I sat at a crossroads. I wasn’t necessarily happy with my chosen major. My education was at a point where I didn’t have many general education requirements left and needed to pursue a major. I combed through the list of majors that SUU offered, but nothing jumped out at me. It wasn’t until I looked at the results of my personality test that I immediately found my answer- Speech pathology. I wouldn’t have recognized that career had I not received speech therapy from my major surgery months before. If I hadn’t gone through cancer, I probably wouldn’t have gone toward the career I am pursuing today. 

The biggest impact of cancer is that I am a better college student. I have full confidence that I can push through hard classes and tough teachers, assignments, or study groups- all with phenomenal grades. Why? Because I’ve made it through harder times. I know that I can succeed at anything in life because I have already succeeded in something bigger than myself- taking back my life from cancer.

 Keep running.

Post-Mish & Pre-Logan

Wow. It's still weird to me that my mish is over. In fact, a month ago today, I was released.

July 15, 2014- Day I was set apart

July 19, 2015- Day [after] I was released

I loved the time I served. Absolutely loved it. And if I had the chance, I'd go back and do it all over again! I learned so much about the gospel, about myself, and about life. Here's an update of what I've been up to in the last month:

• I got a job. I'm an "Office Assistant" at Precision Development. I scan, file, clean, do odd-job tasks, and advertising. I'm the one that's been posting on social media lately! Huzzah. And yes, this is a job I got from my dad. It still counts. It's a legit job. Someone asked me yesterday if I got paid "under the table", and the answer is no. I'm on payroll, I get taxes taken out. (booo)

• I still love photography. Oh, guess what? I bought a new phone. My old S4 has a majorly cracked screen, and I found one for $20. Well, the $20 phone sucked. It did it's job, but I hated the picture quality. So, I spent $120 and bought a new S4 off of eBay. It's worth it to me, because it's basically like buying a new camera as well. And I love having a phone with a nice camera again. Here's some of my cool pictures.

• I'm still working on my Book of Mormon reading. Can I tell you how IMPORTANT it is to read the Book of Mormon every single day!? This book is many things: it is another testament of Jesus Christ, a great teacher for us, and most importantly-- truth. I love this book so much and I just want to share it with the world. Every time I reread it, I find new lessons and truths all the time. It's almost like God put something in there that wasn't there before. But that's the joy of it-- I learn something new every time I read. I've recently discovered a new way to study the Book of Mormon, and I love it. I've learned so much. I won't give you the details today- it deserves it's own special post. I will tell you this, though- it's really helped me focus more than I ever have on this blessed book.

• Prepping for Logan. I told you I'm moving to Logan, right? Well, yeah, that's next week. Time flies. I seriously am really excited. I'm so excited to move, but I am going to miss the heck out of my family and home. I've never lived more than 10 minutes away from my parents, so it'll be an adjustment. But that's life, right? Learning, growing, and experiences that teach us how to become like God. I'm jumping right into my major, I'm going to live in the most social apartment complex on campus (at least what I've been told), and I'll be in LOGAN. I mean, come on... Logan. I've been applying for jobs like a mad-man and hope to at least get something. I'll sure need it- I just paid the rest of my tuition last week. :/ [PS.... the greatest gift of moving to Logan is that the temple is a minute drive from where I live.]

• I've still been able to keep on my goal of attending the temple at least once a week. I cannot tell you how much I miss going four/five days a week, but one day is still really amazing. I love the blessings that come from the temple, and I know that we are blessed when we give service. Temples exist on the earth for a reason. Utilize it.

• RUNNING! Half marathon here I come. It's so great to get back into shape again. And health update: I've truly felt the best I have in months. I feel like the "same old Erik" again. Aah I love it. And as you can see from the picture above, my hair's grown in quite nicely. I still haven't cut it since chemo.

I have been so busy since my mission ended. Seriously, I get up, run, go to work, come home, play with the nephews, eat dinner, play with the nephews some more, read, go to bed, and repeat. But it's been a blessing. During my temple mish, I had no idea how slow/fast/busy/not busy the month between mish and school was going to be. But I'm grateful that I've stayed busy, made some money, and even went on a date. ;)

Once again, I'll testify to you that Heavenly Father loves us. I know that He knows me; He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, what I need to become, what I need to learn and grow. I am beyond grateful that He is involved in my life every single day. Not a day goes by where I don't notice God's hand in my life. If you look hard enough, I promise you that you'll see it, too.

Life is not all easy, but it is good. It's good with God.

Keep running.

The Cafeteria

What I learned from

... working in the Cafeteria

This is another part of a fun installment I decided to do. Because I worked for a year in the St George Utah Temple, I got to experience a lot. Some of the experiences I had are sacred, and I keep those experiences to myself. I've also had really fun, enjoyable experiences in the temple. I would serve every day for the rest of my life if I could- and if I lived closer to a temple. The history of Temple Cafeterias is kind of interesting. At least for St George, it used to cover a much larger area than it does now. Sometimes people would have to travel long distances to attend temples. As they did so, the temple provided a cafeteria so that patrons wouldn't have to go hungry or go without food. In that sense, it's really kind of humbling, isn't it? Today, the goal of the temple cafeteria is to make enough so that it can sustain itself. We aren't looking for profit. We're just trying to serve and provide a home-y meal. Because of the larger economy and that there are so many restaurants out there now, the newer temples don't have a need for cafeterias, because frankly- they're fine without it. And that's okay. If you're in Utah, the Monticello, Vernal, Brigham City, Oquirrh Mountain, Draper, and Payson Temples do not have a cafeteria for you to eat at.

I'll say it right off: THE FOOD THERE IS SO GOOD! 99% of the food there is homemade. Most of the workers there are volunteers. If you haven't gone there to eat, you seriously need to go try it now.

All of the soda is Caffeine-Free. I found that funny when I first started.

We have daily devotionals. Also known as prayer meeting. Such a good start to "work".

We bless the food. In prayer meeting, one of the things we make sure to pray for is a blessing on the food. Seriously, where else have you eaten that the workers all meet together and pray for the food?

The head chef, Joe, lives in Cedar. Need I say more? ;) [Go Cedar.]

Everyone there wants to be there. As I said above, most workers in the cafeteria are volunteers. They don't get paid. And everyone who is there truly wants to be there. There isn't the stigma of "I'm just working here so I can get paid- but I hate my job." And it's beautiful.

Sometimes you get free food. Technically, we're allowed to have a bowl of soup and a piece of bread free-of-charge. But sometimes you get a little sample of foods. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I'M TELLING YOU TO EAT THERE, IT'S SOOOO GOOD.

Sometimes a lady you work with brings stuff to make cool desserts. Ckaz is so cool. She brought stuff to make Lava Cake once, and then stuff to make Trifle on my last day in the cafeteria. Request the Wednesday 8am-12pm shift. ;)

They give good portions. The server will make sure and give you a good amount. No skimpy plates here.

The food is moderately priced. Yeah, you've got your entrees that are usually $7-$8, but those come with sides as well. You can also get just a side, a bowl of soup, a sandwich, dessert, bread, salad bar, etc. And you can grab it yourself. The only thing you'll be served is the entree if you choose that.

Don't get a carton of milk. The batch we've had lately tastes a little sour before the expiration date. I'm not telling you to not get something, but maybe re-examine this issue in a few months.

Look at the napkin holders. Out in the seating area, all the napkin holders have a quote or scripture on one side, and a picture of a temple on the other. Different temples on each one.

If you're working there: Don't forget that you're serving in the temple. You may not be completing temple ordinances, but you are still in the House of the Lord. Your service helps those who come to the Cafeteria to eat. It is such a GREAT place to serve.

You should work in the temple. I recommend to everyone (that can) to work in the temple sometime in their life. You might work as a greeter, staff at the Family File Desk, recommend desk, Baptistry worker, Cafeteria worker, Grounds Worker, Ordinance Worker.

If you don't work at the temple... then be a patron. That's a GREAT way to serve! Doing the temple work itself. You are blessing others, and providing a reason to receive blessings for yourself by serving in the temple!

Keep running.

The Baptistry

What I learned from

... working in the Baptistry

We love when people come. It's the whole reason we're there. Come to the temple! There are so so many blessings that come from serving in the temple. You're helping your ancestors, helping others, and doing what our Savior would want you to do.

We love it when you bring in family names. Family names that either you or someone else found! Family history work is amazing. It's actually kind of fun. I always thought it was boring, but that is not the case. You willl be blessed for seeking out the names of your ancestors.

You don't have to bring in family names. The temple has so many names that can still be baptized and confirmed for. Do not stay away just because you don't have family names to bring in.

Most of the time, you get to call the shots. You must be an endowed brother in order to confirm or baptize. We have enough workers to baptize and confirm you, but if you would like to be the one to baptize, tell us. We are more than happy to accommodate.

We are not perfect... Yes, we are human. Working in the temple, I've noticed that we do get a little divine aid, but just remember that sometimes we make mistakes, or don't get you through as fast as you'd like to.

...But the work IS perfect. Temple work is performing the ordinances of Jesus Christ's gospel. These ordinances are the way back to Christ, and the means by which we can be in his presence again. This work is amazing. This work is divine. This work is sacred.

You will be blessed. There are so many blessings that come from temple work, attendance, and service. One, the ordinances themselves. Two, you are doing the work Christ wants you to do. In fact, it's what He would be doing. Three, you are serving others by doing their temple work. You are a "Savior on Mount Zion." (Read this) Four, you are sacrificing your time for a greater cause. Don't forget that.

GO TO THE TEMPLE OFTEN! :D Seriously. The temple is one of THE GREATEST blessings in my life.

Keep running.

Last Week in the Mission

The time is upon us. I've got FIVE days left as a missionary.

I'll be released on Saturday, July 18th, after my day at the temple. Interesting fact, July 18th, 2014 is the day I met with President Arnold to start my mission.

On Sunday, July 19th, I'll be giving my mission report in my home ward. Right now, all I can feel is...

Taken from "David After Dentist"... Look it up!

Is this real life? Is time really going by this fast?? Like I've heard my friends who have served full-time missions say, "The days are long, but the weeks are short." I couldn't agree more.

I am so so so so SO grateful for my mission. It has been tailor-made by the Lord to teach me things that I need. The biggest blessing from my mission is that I've learned to better recognize promptings, feelings of the Spirit, and the Lord's hand in my life. I have never regretted choosing to serve the Lord.

It's been an interesting year. I served in the temple for not even half of my mission period, but that's okay. I thought in the beginning, that I must have some really important things if the Lord is allowing us to pause my mission and my time in the temple. I fought cancer (again), and I ultimately feel stronger. My aunt said something interesting last December, "Maybe the reason you are a missionary right now is because people pray in the temple all the time for missionaries." I have made goals and habits that I hope to continue, such as a better scripture study, prayer habit, and not watching inappropriate shows. The best thing about my mission is what someone talked with me about one day. Missionaries always talk about how they want to continue their habits they learned from their mission, but it's a little harder because they perfect those habits in a different place, so when they come home, it's kind of easier to revert to our pre-mission self (which doesn't mean that missionaries don't come back better and with better habits, because they sure do). For me, it's a little easier to stick to my mission habits because I'm already living at home and nothing will really change.

In honor of my last week as a service missionary, I thought I'd put a little something together about what I've learned from working in the temple, which will be continued more next week, so stay tuned.

What I've learned from....

... driving to St George every day

The left lane is for passing. You can stay in the left lane if no one is behind you, and if there are no cars coming faster than you. Otherwise, stick to the right lane.

Use your blinker. PLEASE. It doesn't really affect you, but it does other people. It's being a courteous driver. I understand not using it if no one is around you, but if you are around other people, use it. Especially if you are merging in front of another car.

Don't be a psycho driver. Slow down. You're not in that much of a hurry.

I will sing while I drive. Don't judge. Thanks for being humored by it, though.

Cruise control is awesome. I laugh at people that I keep passing. They go fast, then slow down. Then fast, then slow down. I've been going the same speed the whole time, bro.

Best way to get to the temple: Take the St George Blvd exit. Drive down all the way to 200 East and turn left. It will take you right to it with the least amount of turning. :)

You are in a car. A car is a very powerful and scary thing. Be wise.

Also in honor of my last week as a missionary, here's the last year in pictures.

Look for the little things in your life. It will bless you!!!

Keep running.