Fear of the Unknown

It's that time of year again!

Every so often, it's time to get a CT scan and see how things look in relation to this cancer crap I've been dealing with. Last week was the start of "that time." I drove down for a CT scan at the Huntsman. Literally in an out of that hospital in half an hour.

Right now, it's just about 2:30 a.m. I can't sleep. I can never really sleep the night before an appointment. This coming afternoon, we'll meet with Dr. Hunt to see how my scan looked; I'll know if the cancer is still gone, or if it came back. And to be honest, I don't know what to think. I'm feeling pretty optimistic because we've done a lot to get rid of this cancer, but I just get worried around this time of year; my cancer seems to rear its ugly head in again and again.

Honestly, I'm prepared for anything to happen. I'm sitting at a crossroad of two pretty different roads.
In one direction, my cancer's back. I have to get more surgeries, I have more to deal with, and I have this life up in Logan to worry about.
In the other direction, everything is still clear, I get to "go on with life", have a great spring semester, enjoy my time here in Logan, and get ready to just move on with life.

There's a lot of uncertainty for the moment, but there are some things I do know:

• Jesus Christ lives. He lived on the Earth, died for us, and rose again. He's the reason that we can even have the chance to return to our Heavenly Father again.
• I will never be alone in all that do. Alma said that "he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [aid] his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12)

• Family can be forever. I love my family and I'm super grateful for the chance to spend eternity with them. They teach me to love, lead, share, testify, and aid. It urges me to create that atmosphere for the family I start someday.
• PEACE is seriously shining through with this gospel. I have never felt more peace and happiness than I have during church, especially partaking of the sacrament. I crave Sundays, and I crave Institute- a church class during the week. I've never really felt how vital that peace is in my life until this semester; everything seemed to be going a million miles an hour, but I felt immediate peace in Institute.
• Things happen for a reason. It's something I hear, you hear, we all hear, often. I know, though, that Heavenly Father is constantly aware of all that goes on in my life. I'm sure it's hard for Him to see me go through trials, but I am a firm believer that if he knew that no good could come out of a trial, it wouldn't happen. Every trial I've had has had some kind of benefit in my life and ultimately made me a stronger person.

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I've always been a planner. I'm pretty adaptable, but I like to have somewhat of a plan. And let's be real, cancer has screwed that all up. I still am afraid for the unknown, because it's exactly that- unknown. I don't know for sure what I'll be doing six months from now; you could say the same thing. You might have an idea, but you never know.

Although it's the unknown, I have to remember that the unknown is okay- because someone DOES know. My life isn't just in my hands, but the hands of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior and brother Jesus Christ. Because they know it all, there are sometimes that all I can do is trust.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I may not get to choose the path I go down, but I can choose how I travel down that path. Will I use my experiences to help others? Will I use my experiences to make sure that I am living righteously?

The cancer "path less traveled" may be behind me. I hope it is! Whatever lies ahead, no matter what it is, I know it'll make all the difference. 

Keep running.

Let's [Not] Compare

I'm going to make myself vulnerable for a minute.

Over my lifetime, I've discovered that I'm really bad at comparing myself with others. I wish I didn't have this weakness, but I do.

I don't want to give you any specific instances, but I will tell you that I've been jealous of friends/roommates/etc that I see going on dates, having a girlfriend, meeting tons of new people. I see guys at what I feel like is the same point as me, but they have so much more going for them (from my point of view). I feel like I should be "as far along" as people around me.

Facebook and Instagram are another problem for me--- And this quote sums up how I feel perfectly: 

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare
our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

Social media is a false window into people's lives. Honestly, how willing am I to post about the bad moments? Only the good, fun, exciting ones, right? It's fun to see updates, and I love seeing what people are up to, but I walk away sadder when I spend a lot of time on social media.

I think it's "human" to feel like that, but to key is not to dwell on it. Here's the thing: I'm not like anyone else, and therefore, I don't have the same story as everyone else. No one else has served a mission exactly like mine, had ten neck surgeries, two rounds of chemo and radiation, and the many other good and bad things I've faced in my life. I'm not saying this to try and say I'm better than anyone else, but to tell you- we're all different.

Because I'm different than the people around me, why in the world should I compare myself to people who have a different life story than me? Erik's journey is my own and I'm happy to tell you my story, but I don't want to compare drafts.

I've come to realize over the last few years just how personal the gospel of Jesus Christ is. His Atonement is infinite and eternal, and available to everyone, and helps me and you in the personal battles we have. My witness of the Book of Mormon is personal. My patriarchal blessing is personal guidance just for me. When I pray to my Heavenly Father, it's personal. Why? Because my journey is not yours, just like your journey is not mine.

My biggest weapon against the fight of worldly comparison is perspective. I try to keep the perspective that I am unique, that the Lord is highly invested in our lives, and that our goal here on this earth is to learn and grow. Perspective in the scriptures, rather than on social media.


Comparing myself to others is what's holding me back, but today is a chance to make a change.

Keep running.

Choices

I have a friend that used to live in Cedar City, and I remember how she always talked about how amazing, social, and awesome Logan is. The way she described it: "In Cedar, I would invite 20 people to a party, and five would show up. In Logan, I invite five people, and 20 would show up!"

I came up to Logan back in March for a few days to look for an apartment, meet with my advisor, and just get a little more prepped for moving up here. From just two days in Logan, I noticed that my friend wasn't just "talking up" Logan, but she was serious. In the month and a half I've been living up here, I have met lots of new people, made some new memories, and really had some fun adventures. Because I consider myself super social, my friend and I decided that "Logan was made for me."

I'm a Junior now- taking 16 credits this semester. Buuut it feels like 100 credits. I am taking "COMD" (Communicative Disorders) classes, and heading toward a degree in Communicative Disorders- emphasis of Speech-Language Pathology. It's interesting being at the point where I'm in all of my classes with the same group of people. My longest days are Wednesdays... I have a break in the morning, but from 3:30 on, I have my Anatomy lab, ASL lab, and Institute. The only thing that gets me through those days is that I end it with Institute. What a blessing! Just for the record, my Institute class is AMAZING. I have never been so spiritually uplifted.

I got a job. A really good one. I have been working as the "Membership and Marketing Assistant" for the Utah State University Alumni Association since right before school began. I love that job! I love the work I got to do. The only downfall to is it that I don't necessarily like sitting in an office all day, ya know?

I have my own office!

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During Week 2 of the semester, I came to realize just how crazy my homework schedule was. It was an incredibly busy week around that time, but it's been pretty busy since. I'm at that point I need to make sure I'm studying the information, and I have had two to three tests a week. Working an on-campus job has been a dream of mine, because I seriously had the best work schedule; I would work Monday through Friday roughly from 11 am to 1 pm, and again from 3 to 5 pm. Never past 5, no weekends, mostly, and no Sundays. Dream job.

But it became kind of apparent that it was hard on me. I couldn't even start my homework til I got home at 5ish, and then I would want to eat dinner, and relax for a little bit, and then it would be later in the evening. No bueno. It's been my post-mission goal to attend the temple once a week, and during that crazy week, I didn't even make it to the temple- I was so busy! So, I prayed to know what to do. I talked with my parents, a lot. I had a few decisions to make, and I didn't know what was the right thing for me to do. I didn't want to quit this awesome job, but I didn't have time to really do anything.

So there I sat in Institute during Week 3. Sad that I didn't make it to the temple the week before. Tired, and really hoping to receive some inspiration for my life. Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel is all about Christ, and I love that class. Christ knows exactly what we are going through, and He knew that day what I needed to hear... I don't even remember what talk we were talking about, but I was hit so strongly by the sentence (and I'm paraphrasing) Don't let the good things overpower the things that are essential. My job is good, it's nice to have the blessings that come from a job, like, ya know, money. But I felt that if having a job was interfering with my time to go to the temple, or take precedence over the essential things, I needed to make a change.

So the next day, I sat down with my boss and explained my situation: school is more than I thought, I would love to still work at the Alumni Center, but I would need to cut down my hours. It was a really good chat, and my boss thanked me for my candor. He decided that they would hire someone else to work the 20 hours, but I have still worked for them off and on throughout this transition. I don't know how my story with the Alumni Center will go on, but I'll let you know when I know.

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I just know that the Lord has blessed me immensely. I feel His power and strength as I try to attend the temple regularly. For me, it's once a week. For you, it might be different, and that's okay, just make it regular. My biggest worry has been with my financial situation, but I'm focusing on doing what I know is right with my money (tithing and fast offerings), and I have seen that following those commandments have blessed me. Somehow, my paycheck has been bigger than I thought. I'm not complaining. ;)

I have learned that blessings do come when we choose to serve the Lord. It requires that choice on our side, though. Make the choice, now, to serve. As you hold to the gospel, to the feelings you know are right, it might not be easy. However, the gospel makes life easier. I know firsthand.

Keep running.