Post-Mish & Pre-Logan

Wow. It's still weird to me that my mish is over. In fact, a month ago today, I was released.

July 15, 2014- Day I was set apart

July 19, 2015- Day [after] I was released

I loved the time I served. Absolutely loved it. And if I had the chance, I'd go back and do it all over again! I learned so much about the gospel, about myself, and about life. Here's an update of what I've been up to in the last month:

• I got a job. I'm an "Office Assistant" at Precision Development. I scan, file, clean, do odd-job tasks, and advertising. I'm the one that's been posting on social media lately! Huzzah. And yes, this is a job I got from my dad. It still counts. It's a legit job. Someone asked me yesterday if I got paid "under the table", and the answer is no. I'm on payroll, I get taxes taken out. (booo)

• I still love photography. Oh, guess what? I bought a new phone. My old S4 has a majorly cracked screen, and I found one for $20. Well, the $20 phone sucked. It did it's job, but I hated the picture quality. So, I spent $120 and bought a new S4 off of eBay. It's worth it to me, because it's basically like buying a new camera as well. And I love having a phone with a nice camera again. Here's some of my cool pictures.

• I'm still working on my Book of Mormon reading. Can I tell you how IMPORTANT it is to read the Book of Mormon every single day!? This book is many things: it is another testament of Jesus Christ, a great teacher for us, and most importantly-- truth. I love this book so much and I just want to share it with the world. Every time I reread it, I find new lessons and truths all the time. It's almost like God put something in there that wasn't there before. But that's the joy of it-- I learn something new every time I read. I've recently discovered a new way to study the Book of Mormon, and I love it. I've learned so much. I won't give you the details today- it deserves it's own special post. I will tell you this, though- it's really helped me focus more than I ever have on this blessed book.

• Prepping for Logan. I told you I'm moving to Logan, right? Well, yeah, that's next week. Time flies. I seriously am really excited. I'm so excited to move, but I am going to miss the heck out of my family and home. I've never lived more than 10 minutes away from my parents, so it'll be an adjustment. But that's life, right? Learning, growing, and experiences that teach us how to become like God. I'm jumping right into my major, I'm going to live in the most social apartment complex on campus (at least what I've been told), and I'll be in LOGAN. I mean, come on... Logan. I've been applying for jobs like a mad-man and hope to at least get something. I'll sure need it- I just paid the rest of my tuition last week. :/ [PS.... the greatest gift of moving to Logan is that the temple is a minute drive from where I live.]

• I've still been able to keep on my goal of attending the temple at least once a week. I cannot tell you how much I miss going four/five days a week, but one day is still really amazing. I love the blessings that come from the temple, and I know that we are blessed when we give service. Temples exist on the earth for a reason. Utilize it.

• RUNNING! Half marathon here I come. It's so great to get back into shape again. And health update: I've truly felt the best I have in months. I feel like the "same old Erik" again. Aah I love it. And as you can see from the picture above, my hair's grown in quite nicely. I still haven't cut it since chemo.

I have been so busy since my mission ended. Seriously, I get up, run, go to work, come home, play with the nephews, eat dinner, play with the nephews some more, read, go to bed, and repeat. But it's been a blessing. During my temple mish, I had no idea how slow/fast/busy/not busy the month between mish and school was going to be. But I'm grateful that I've stayed busy, made some money, and even went on a date. ;)

Once again, I'll testify to you that Heavenly Father loves us. I know that He knows me; He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, what I need to become, what I need to learn and grow. I am beyond grateful that He is involved in my life every single day. Not a day goes by where I don't notice God's hand in my life. If you look hard enough, I promise you that you'll see it, too.

Life is not all easy, but it is good. It's good with God.

Keep running.

Two Days, People

After a six-month hiatus from my missionary service at the St George Utah Temple​ (with the exception of about three Fridays in January), I am excited to announce that I am resuming my mission on THURSDAY! Two days, people.

I'll continue on until the end of my mission in mid-July. It's been a long six months, but I've learned a lot and have never felt the missionary service stop- just come about in different ways. I know that my experiences in the last ten months as a service missionary have not happened by accident. The Church is true, God is good, and the gospel is amazing! Thanks for praying, fasting, hoping, believing in my behalf. See you at the temple... come often!!!

PS- Hallelujah, my hair is growing back!

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Some cool pictures I took last week at the Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple in South Jordan, Utah.

Keep running!

I Wish I Could Tell You That It's Easy

April 13th, 2015 will go down in history as the last day of chemo- EVER. If you didn't see the joyous celebration, check out the video on my Facebook or Instagram feed. I rang the bell. I'm done. What a great feeling!  The day after my treatment, I was administered a shot designed to help boost white blood cells, typically given 24 hours after a chemo treatment. WBCs are what help with your immunity, fight off sicknesses, and allow me back into society. I had never gotten this shot before, so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. The doctors explained that I'd feel achy in my joints because my bone marrow is going to town making these white blood cells. Suggested aid: Claritin. Take night before chemo treatment, day of treatment, and for a few days after.

I wish that I could tell you that it was all smooth sailing. I wish I could tell you that life was just joyful that week because my white blood cells were happily multiplying inside my body. Well, I'd be wrong to tell you that. I spent 90% of Thursday and Friday on the couch. I felt like crap. No question, it was the hardest week of treatment. What I felt can be compared to that feeling of taking a nap but wake up feeling achy and much worse off. (On the bright side, my nausea level was about a 3 out of 10) I assume that because my body went on a WBC spree, I'll bounce back to 100% faster than normal. I'll take the week of crap in order to feel better one week sooner.

We see all the time on social media the phenomenon of peoples' lives seeming so glorious and perfect, when in reality, no one's life is that perfect. Sorry, that's just the way it is. I have tried to treat my cancer journey the same way, especially with what I post. It's great to post that I'm feeling great, and it's fun to post all the good things that come out of this experience, but let me be frank with you: It's not all easy.

There have been many times where I get mad because I don't want to be the sick kid. I don't want a reason for people to do things like bring us meals or get me a nice gift card. I don't want to spend the day just watching Netflix because that's all I really feel up to. I remember the day where I had the biggest kick-in-the-stomach-and-crotch-at-the-same-time feeling; I sat in the library and unregistered for the following semester because of an upcoming surgery during Christmas break, and I would be out of commission for a while.

There have been times where I questioned. I questioned why things were happening. I questioned why I was still falling into the same bad habits. I questioned why someone my young age had to deal with something so big.

I consider myself happy and optimistic. I consider myself the person that always knows how to have a good time. Guys, I voted myself "Life of the Party" for Senior Favorites [I didn't get it, in case you were wondering]. It's not always easy. Not at all. But can I tell you the secret to my good life? The gospel and atonement of Jesus Christ in my life.

I want to shout it to the world how much I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is not just "something cool" that will suffice for a good thought of the day. It's a way of life, it's a way of happiness, and a way back home to our Heavenly Father. I know you've "heard it all before," but hear me out. I have quite the list of reasons to hate my life, yet I don't. My reason is my Savior.

Looking for the knowledge of why we have trials can be found in many places, but I'd like to share one with you today. Elder David A. Bednar, one of the current leaders on the earth of this Church, gave such an excellent talk on this subject. Read the first story from his talk here, or check out the video below (or through this link).

"Two guiding questions can be helpful as we periodically and prayerfully assess our load: “Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ on the strait and narrow path and avoid getting stuck? Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness."

Cancer has been a part of my load. It is heavy and I hate it. But it has helped me lead a better life, be more grateful for the life I have, and treasure all my relationships that much more. If my load is what Heavenly Father sees as a way for me to grow, then bring it on. Again, I'll tell you: I wish I could tell you that it's easy. It's not. But it is worth it. So worth it, in fact, that our elder brother, Jesus Christ, paid the price for our sins, downfalls, injustices, and weaknesses so that we could come to this earth, gain a physical body, learn and grow, and return to our Heavenly Father again.

Because of my load, and because I've pushed through the uneasy, I have gained so much. I have a greater relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. I have a deeper understanding of His sacrifice on our behalf. I have a greater understanding for people. I have a deeper knowledge of the plan of salvation. If we are righteous, this life is the hardest it will get. Temples are really the House of the Lord. Good days come. God does heal. The sun will come out tomorrow, if not today- bet your bottom dollar on it. Had I not gone through cancer, I never would have met most of my friends, I wouldn't be in the exact spot I am today, I wouldn't already have my Associate's degree, and I might be headed down a career path.

[If you don't take anything away from your reading here, take this: Life isn't easy, but God is good. He is there to help you through the hard times so that we can rise above our weaknesses, trials, deficiencies, hardships, addictions, and pain.]

I'm ready to work my hardest to become the person that my Father in Heaven wanted and my Savior suffered for. Are you?

Keep running.

My Week In Tweets

Here are some random "tweets"- short little thoughts of how this last week went:


And, just because, here's a picture of me sitting on a couch in the proximity of 2000 Flushes last summer.

Cancer: where you put tons of stuff in your body in order to get rid of stuff in your body.

Yes, I make cancer jokes.

This week's side: Swollen feet, constipation, and bloating... I'm like a pregnant woman.

Blood work results: White Blood Cell levels are lower, but normal for what I'm going through. I've got to be careful around crowds, and especially sick people.

Don't see me if you're sick. No offense.

Do something besides Facebook.

My sheets smell weird.

Last one's explanation: they're clean. They smell like a weird clean. Chemo brain= stronger sense of smell.

Bring "The Middle" to Netflix.

I need to stop binge-watching "The Middle."

I'm loooosing my minnnnnnnnnnnnnd.

Getting ready for USU. #givemescholarships

Logan list: Meet with advisor, possible apartment hunting, visit the temple, go to a reception.

IT SNOWED. 14 INCHES.

Mom and I went offroading. In the snow.

Everytime I think about what's on my bucket list, I think of some of the things that I've already done. Maybe I'll start an "Already Accomplished" bucket list. A tekcub list.

What do I do as a missionary who does nothing? #deepthoughts

What is the purpose of life?

Oh wait, I know that last one.

Okay, get off Facebook.

Shaved my head all the way down again. I feel like I was starting to look like the doll head with the crab/spider body from Toy Story.

Need to go practice that violin.

Don't judge me because I play Candy Crush as much as you.

Helped babysit nephews last week. Kids make me tired, better give it a few years before I have my own.

Still watching "The Middle."

I'm going to take off time from the temple again. Not what I want, but what I got to do. Best for my health.

Setting goals. I'm coasting, not moving forward. What do I want to accomplish?

Temple picture of the week: taken around the time I figured out I'd be serving at the temple.

Advice of the week, to both you and me: Don't wallow about where you are. Don't find and dig for all the bad things going on, all the disappointments you're dealing with, and the things you can't do. Instead, focus yourself to the things that make you better, give you joy, allow the spirit in your life, and make you you.

Keep running.

Life is Good- Chemo One Down

Last week, I had the glorious opportunity to go to the hospital. While there, I met with Dr. Haslem, sat in a recliner, got poked by a needle (which REALLY hurt this time), and left 6 hours later.

And when I say glorious, I really say sucky. I don't want to sound ungrateful. Trust me, I'm grateful. The outcomes of chemo are amazing. I just hate the "during" part. And if you are a normal human being, you should, too.

On the bright side, I have some happy things to say about last week's chemo:

One. Nurses are awesome. I'm pretty sure a requirement for working as a nurse in the cancer center is that you have to be awesome, and happy, and all those things.

Two. People are awesome. I met a lady who is kind of in my same boat. She is receiving chemo once every three weeks. And she bought about 10 parfaits from McDonald's before she got in, so she was sharing them. Yep, she's the snack lady.

Three. I've inherited my dad's wit. One of my favorite things about my dad is how incredibly funny he is. I'm not as funny as he is, but I like to think that I often can come up with a good joke or two on the spot. I made the nurses laugh a few times.

Four. The body is amazing. I'm grateful my body can withstand all this crap. I'm also grateful that these treatments are available to help get rid of dumb cancer.

Five. I've surprised even myself. From what the doctors have explained, the first week is the worst, the second and third weeks are much better. This last week has been a breeze. I felt sick on the Monday night of treatment, Wednesday, and a tiny tiny bit on Sunday. But overall, I'm a freakin' champ. I'm feeling great!

Six. I've been staying busy. I have done so much indexing lately, it's driving me nuts. Even though I can't be serving at the temple for five days a week right now, that's okay. I know I'm needed elsewhere. And if I'm not supposed to be at the temple right now, it must be for some prrretty important reason.

Seven. The atonement is real. There are so many times, especially in the last few months, where I have felt unloved, unimportant, and that I can't do this. Not just cancer, but some other personal aspects in my life at the moment. I know that the Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ, is there for us. HE LIVES. He comforts. He knows what I'm feeling and when I'm feeling it. He knows exactly how I need to be comforted. I know the atonement is real and that His power is real. I worry about the future sometimes. I worry about having a family. I worry about being able to provide; about being able to be a good husband and father. All those fears are either gone or diminished because I know that I won't be alone in this. I hope to marry a woman who loves the Lord even more than I do. Because there's no way I'll get through the next 60 years without that guidance.

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I feel like I learn, every single day, what life is all about. Life is about living- not the whole YOLO thing and partying-- and living right. Living a full, complete life, having fun, making right choices, and doing what we want to and should do. The whole time, we hopefully have the guidance of our Heavenly Father through the atonement of His Son in our lives and the promptings of the Spirit. The choice of how you live is entirely up to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, life is good. I'm happy to be here on the earth. I feel like I am faced with a lot of challenges, but through my hard work, I know it's worth living. Every single day.

Keep running.

Here We Go Again

If you know me, you know that there is always something going on in the life of Erik Gray. If it's not one thing, it's another. Maybe it's my natural tendency to stay busy. Maybe it's just the way I am. Sometimes, it's something I have control over. Sometimes, it's not.

The last month has been ridiculously crazy. But as crazy as it has been, it has been that much of ridiculous awesomeness (excuse my possibly horrible grammar there).

This and a few other pictures are blurry because the front screen on my
phone is cracked. One of the cracks is right above part of the camera. :)

In July alone, I have jumped off a 25-foot cliff at 2000 Flushes (technically... last day of June), hiked to Squaw Cave, gone fishing, hiked to the secret waterfall, went on a "bro"ad trip, wakeboarded, waterskiied, and drove a Jet Ski at Lake Powell, played Barnyard, drove through the middle of nowhere- eastern Utah, got my mission call, gave my farewell talk, went on a full-moon hike, spent a weekend in St George with the family, became an official service missionary, got a new suit, started my mission, met with a member of the temple presidency, spent 6 days in a row at a temple, went to the Jordan River Utah Temple, and one other thing...

... found out my cancer has returned.

Patrick perfectly explains how I feel toward cancer.

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Last week, we went up to a checkup at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. The Physician's Assistant had a Pathology team come to take a biopsy. (Big words, I know: My doctor's sidekick told the people who look under the microscope to poke me in the neck and take a tiny sample of my lump.) Upon arrival, they explained what they were going to do. They said that they could let us know right then if the biopsy is (unofficially) the cancer or not.

The pathologists looked under the microscope, and were packing up. I asked them what they saw, if they could have some idea of what it was. I was ready for the news because they hadn't already said anything: "It does look suspicious of recurrent cancer."

I've never had that feeling of hearing bad news and feeling like I had been hit by a bag of bricks. Maybe, this time especially, is because deep down I knew it was coming. It's a blessing to be in tune with your body, because in my case, I caught it again pretty early. The CT scan showed no sign of spread, and that the cancer is just in that one lump. Thank goodness.

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I'm not sad, I'm not happy. I am grateful for a handful of things; doctors, modern medicine, the Plan of Salvation, my family, my beliefs, and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I can't help but think, "Why has my cancer come back? Is there something I should have done better? Is there another lesson I need to learn?" But in all honesty, I might not ever know why my cancer is back. Again. And that's okay with me...

I believe that our Heavenly Father (with whom we lived as spirit beings before we came to this Earth life to gain a physical body, learn to choose for ourselves, and learn what is necessary to become like Him and live like Him- if we are faithful- after this life) is loving. I know, without a doubt, that He is watching over us; that He will never leave us unloved, alone, or forgotten. I know that no matter what trials we go through, either because of our mistakes, others' mistakes, or no one's mistake, is for our benefit. I can tell you that I have seen so many improvements in my life, after the hardships I have gone through.

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I will be undergoing a 3-hour surgery on September 8th, followed by an overnight stay. I serve at the temple right now, 5 days a week. The temple is closed for a month for maintenance, starting August 25th. I won't even have to worry about missing time at the temple.

When my Dad and I went to the Jordan River Utah Temple last week, I read a section in the scriptures; Doctrine & Covenants Section 58, a portion reads: "For after much tribulation come the blessings... the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand." I know that coming across that section in the Doctrine & Covenants inside the temple wasn't an accident.

I am constantly reminded every single day that I am loved. I won't be left comfortless. That comfort has come through a number of things... scriptures, feelings, personal revelation, family members, and other people- including seeing people I know inside the temple- which is the coolest feeling.

"Remember, you are not alone. The Savior has promised that He will not leave you comfortless. You also have family, friends, and leaders who are cheering you on" ("Your Four Minutes", Gary E. Stevenson, April 2014 General Conference).

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As I face this extra bump in the road, the advice I give to you, to myself, to anyone who is facing tough times ahead:

1. You are never alone. 
2. Turn to the scriptures, prayer, and family often. Not just when you are having a hard time... do it even when things are going great.
3. Remember the good times in your life.
4. Remember that life isn't always easy. But it isn't always hard.
5. You might be having a rough time right now, but it will get better.
6. Find yourself a role model to look up to. Mine is the Savior.
7. Do what makes you happy.
8. Make some happy memories.
9. If you are in the hospital, make the most of it. Tell your doctor a joke. Play a prank on your nurse. Talk with the person who comes to take your blood pressure.
10. Write in your journal, or your blog. Wherever you write, write it down. You might just thank yourself someday.

Keep running.

Picture Post

Wow. It's been quite a while since I last wrote. How are you all doing??

Since I last wrote:

Dental Implants! They're in! And they're better than ever.

Adventures:

Chip Hunting

Climbing to the top of the world! (or at least Zion)

Cathedral Gorge, coolest place ever

I got my Associates. And Chris got his Bachelors!

Meeting new people

Offroading!

April Fools

Improving my photography:

And probably my favorite:

Went through the St George temple!

I cannot explain how grateful I really am for this gospel. Life is hard. Life is difficult. That's just how it is. But everything that I love, everything that makes me happy, ESPECIALLY the gospel, makes this hard life that much better. That much worth it. Keep on keepin' on.

Keep running!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year From the Fibu-less Writer of This Blog!

Merry Christmas!! How was yours?

With the biggest holiday of the year passed and a new year coming, I can honestly say that 2013 has been one of the biggest surprise years ever. Mostly everything that has happened was not part of "the plan" I had come up with when I graduated.

I was sure that I would go to a year of school at SUU, stay at DQ, continue to have a clean bill of health and to be cancer free, send in my papers for a mission and leave to serve. I was sure that although I had faced quite a bit, that was behind me and I was out of the woods. I was ready to be considered "normal" again and to not be the "guy with cancer" who fought it during his teen years in high school but then fully recovered, served a mission, and nonetheless was "normal."

But like all plans, it all changed. I had more extensive surgeries. I was back to fighting cancer again. I had to put the mission on hold and re-think what I wanted to do and how I should serve the Lord. My job would be too hard to continue with the condition my mouth was in, even after recovery. I found an easier, less crazy- so to speak- job. I changed my schooling timeline and prepared to stick around til after spring semester. I had to put the mission papers I would start in two months on hold.

To summarize, in 2013 I:

• Had more surgeries on my neck
• Deal every day with less teeth and a partially numb tongue
• Watched 90% of my friends leave on missions with no knowledge of when I'd be heading out
• Started a blog, writing on average, every week or two weeks, and have pageviews from places like Russia and the United Arab Emirates
• Took the spring semester off
• Left DQ
• Started a job at the hotels
• Became an uncle to another nephew
• Moved out into an apartment
• Continued on with SUU for another school year
• Changed my major about six times
• Went on a spontaneous family trip to California
• Postponed the mission
• Really thought about what I want to do with my life

It's okay that I didn't do what I had planned to do. Because that's life. Now does that mean I fall short? No, it just means that although I didn't accomplish what I thought I would have in 2013, I accomplished what my Heavenly Father wanted me to accomplish. I gained a significant amount for my testimony. I gained more knowledge of His plan and His love, and how He is always near me and always watching over. I gained things that I needed but probably wouldn't have been able to gain if 2013 would have been "according to plan." And I'm at peace with that.


So as you contemplate what your goals and ambitions are for 2014, I challenge you to add one thing that is on my list for 2014: I want to have faith enough that if a curveball is thrown my direction, I can react in a good way. If my plans for the future are altered, I want to be able to say, "Heavenly Father, I don't know exactly why, but I know you know why. And that is good enough for me."

If you ask me what the next year will hold, I have a few ideas of what I want the plan to be. But if that doesn't happen, if what I have in mind is completely the opposite of what does happen, I know that Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. I know I can reach the spiritual goals I set because He wants me to reach those goals. And as long as I'm getting better each day, each month, and each year, I'm happy with life and ready for what the future holds.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Keep running.