If you know me, you know that there is always something going on in the life of Erik Gray. If it's not one thing, it's another. Maybe it's my natural tendency to stay busy. Maybe it's just the way I am. Sometimes, it's something I have control over. Sometimes, it's not.
The last month has been ridiculously crazy. But as crazy as it has been, it has been that much of ridiculous awesomeness (excuse my possibly horrible grammar there).
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This and a few other pictures are blurry because the front screen on my
phone is cracked. One of the cracks is right above part of the camera. :) |
In July alone, I have jumped off a 25-foot cliff at 2000 Flushes (technically... last day of June), hiked to Squaw Cave, gone fishing, hiked to the secret waterfall, went on a "bro"ad trip, wakeboarded, waterskiied, and drove a Jet Ski at Lake Powell, played Barnyard, drove through the middle of nowhere- eastern Utah, got my mission call, gave my farewell talk, went on a full-moon hike, spent a weekend in St George with the family, became an official service missionary, got a new suit, started my mission, met with a member of the temple presidency, spent 6 days in a row at a temple, went to the Jordan River Utah Temple, and one other thing...
... found out my cancer has returned.
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| Patrick perfectly explains how I feel toward cancer. |
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Last week, we went up to a checkup at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. The Physician's Assistant had a Pathology team come to take a biopsy. (Big words, I know: My doctor's sidekick told the people who look under the microscope to poke me in the neck and take a tiny sample of my lump.) Upon arrival, they explained what they were going to do. They said that they could let us know right then if the biopsy is (unofficially) the cancer or not.
The pathologists looked under the microscope, and were packing up. I asked them what they saw, if they could have some idea of what it was. I was ready for the news because they hadn't already said anything: "It does look suspicious of recurrent cancer."
I've never had that feeling of hearing bad news and feeling like I had been hit by a bag of bricks. Maybe, this time especially, is because deep down I knew it was coming. It's a blessing to be in tune with your body, because in my case, I caught it again pretty early. The CT scan showed no sign of spread, and that the cancer is just in that one lump. Thank goodness.
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I'm not sad, I'm not happy. I am grateful for a handful of things; doctors, modern medicine, the
Plan of Salvation, my family, my
beliefs, and my Savior,
Jesus Christ.
I can't help but think,
"Why has my cancer come back? Is there something I should have done better? Is there another lesson I need to learn?" But in all honesty, I might not ever know why my cancer is back. Again. And that's okay with me...
I believe that our Heavenly Father (with whom we lived as spirit beings before we came to this Earth life to gain a physical body, learn to choose for ourselves, and learn what is necessary to become like Him and live like Him- if we are faithful- after this life) is loving. I
know, without a doubt, that He is watching over us; that He will never leave us unloved, alone, or forgotten. I know that no matter what trials we go through, either because of our mistakes, others' mistakes, or no one's mistake, is for our benefit. I can tell you that I have seen so many improvements in my life, after the hardships I have gone through.
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I will be undergoing a 3-hour surgery on September 8th, followed by an overnight stay. I serve at the temple right now, 5 days a week. The temple is closed for a month for maintenance, starting August 25th. I won't even have to worry about missing time at the temple.
When my Dad and I went to the Jordan River Utah Temple last week, I read a section in the scriptures; Doctrine & Covenants Section 58, a portion reads: "For after much tribulation come the blessings... the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand." I know that coming across that section in the Doctrine & Covenants inside the temple wasn't an accident.
I am constantly reminded every single day that I am loved. I won't be left comfortless. That comfort has come through a number of things... scriptures, feelings, personal revelation, family members, and other people- including seeing people I know inside the temple- which is the coolest feeling.
"Remember, you are not alone. The Savior has promised that He will not leave you comfortless. You also have family, friends, and leaders who are cheering you on" ("Your Four Minutes", Gary E. Stevenson, April 2014 General Conference).
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As I face this extra bump in the road, the advice I give to you, to myself, to anyone who is facing tough times ahead:
- You are never alone.
- Turn to the scriptures, prayer, and family often. Not just when you are having a hard time... do it even when things are going great.
- Remember the good times in your life.
- Remember that life isn't always easy. But it isn't always hard.
- You might be having a rough time right now, but it will get better.
- Find yourself a role model to look up to. Mine is the Savior.
- Do what makes you happy.
- Make some happy memories.
- If you are in the hospital, make the most of it. Tell your doctor a joke. Play a prank on your nurse. Talk with the person who comes to take your blood pressure.
- Write in your journal, or your blog. Wherever you write, write it down. You might just thank yourself someday.
Keep running.
