The Suckiest Suck That Ever Sucked

I haven't really updated on my health in a little while. So let's get right down to it, shall we?

I had a surgery back in September up at the Huntsman. The surgery went quick, well, and I had a fast recovery. BUT a few weeks later, after a check-up, we were told that there is still a positive margin for the cancer, meaning that it's still there.

We talked with the Huntsman, and we talked with the doctors here at the Cancer Center here in Cedar. After much prayer and decisions, I felt that Cedar was the best option and the best way to go, especially with the plan they had set up.

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So here's the real kick... I'm starting chemo and radiation treatments THIS Monday, Nov 10th. Yep. Treatments will last six weeks. Radiation five times a week (30 total treatments), with chemo once a week (6 total treatments). The chemo will in essence aid the radiation, and with both treatments together, the hope is good for success. I had been told before that chemo is not very successful with my type of cancer. However, it's purpose is to help the radiation. It can be compared to washing a pot... either scrubbing it, or letting it soak in water and soap, and then scrubbing it. Both treatments will be stronger together.

Radiation: Last time, the radiation covered basically from ear to ear on my neck. This time it will be more localized. It's at the same facility that I had it before, at the Cancer Center in Cedar City. I'm blessed to have an old scout leader and friend as the radiation therapist, so I'll get to see him every day (except I wish I saw him in a different place!)

Chemo: Chemo will start on Monday, and be administered once a week, every Monday, through an IV. I'll have some "before and after" IV's as well, and total it will take about four to five hours. The technical name of the chemo is Cisplatin. It's a lower dose, so I won't be feeling AS crappy as you might think when you hear the word chemo. One of our nurses, Cheryl, explained that I will be probably have some nausea, slight hair loss, and some throat pain. The biggest thing I can do is stay hydrated and keep my weight where it's at.

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I thought I couldn't be radiated again? I thought so, too. It's been almost five years since I've had radiation- February and March of 2010. The question of why that changed... I don't know. I just know that the doctors are planning to be really careful of my voice box, mandible (jaw bone), and the risks that come from 2nd time radiation.

What does this mean for my mission? To feel the full effects from the radiation will take about two weeks. For the chemo, probably less than a week. After last time's radiation, I know I need to take at least some time off from my mission at the temple. If it was just the radiation I was receiving, I would go for maybe two more weeks. For the sake of less worrying, full concentration on my health, and just in case I start to feel really crappy and I'm stuck down in St George, along with some prayer and talking with doctors and my priesthood leaders, I've decided it to be best if I am done at the temple after this week. I'll go into my treatments fully focused on letting my body heal. It's hard. It was a hard choice. I want to stay at the temple, but I feel peace about how everything is set up. I'm still set-apart as a "service missionary." It's upsetting because I have wanted to serve for a while, get to, and now this. Let's be honest. Cancer sucks. Once all the treatments are over, and I'm feeling back to normal, I'll go back to the temple.

What about Immune system? Blood counts? As you may or may not know, chemo kills off the fast growing cells, cancer cells, blood cells, the lot. Every person is different, so my blood levels will be monitored every week, and if my levels are too low, the doc will probably postpone a treatment. We'll kind of see how we go on this one. Cheryl recommended that we make sure bathrooms and the kitchen are clean here at the house, and to stay away from places that have a lot of germs, like a buffet. Crowds I could handle, meaning that I'll still be able to go to church, but if my levels start to drop, I'll be pulling away from crowds more.

Can I have visitors? By all means, YES. PLEASE come hang out with me. Come visit. :) The only requirement is that one, I am feeling okay; and two, you are healthy. Be up for washing your hands or a little Germ-X here. If you've had a vaccine in the last two weeks, wait a little while to come. You can stop by, or shoot me a text, or call the house. And if you want/need any of those numbers, I'll let you decide how to reach me for them.

Just a word of warning... Do not give me the puppy dog eyes, or I'll hurt you. Ha ha. I know it sucks that I have to go through this. Trust me. And you can talk to me about that kind of stuff if you want. Don't be afraid to keep any questions or anything from me. Nothing's taboo to talk about, but don't you dare say, "Erik, I'm so so SO sorry that you have to go through this." Got it? Good. 

Spiritual-wise, emotional-wise, I'm doing good. I've felt peace at doctors appointments. I've even humored the doctors and nurses. I know that the Lord has his hand in this, and that I'm going to be okay. I know that blessings will come out of this, sometime or another. I know that the trials I seem to be having on a continual basis will ultimately make me a better person. That's what we all want, right? I've got an amazing support system of family, friends, ward family, and even some now temple family!

I am not perfect. No one on this earth is. And I know that I'll have my bad days. The reality of it all kind of hit me last night, this is what I'm facing. Even though I am still happy, it doesn't mean that I won't be down at times. I have been down a few times already. In fact, I think this is the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

It's because of the ups- in spite of the downs- that I choose to fight; I know that life is a gift, our Heavenly Father is in charge, and that we are not given any trial or test we can't handle. Faith in Jesus Christ and His gospel- no matter how hard or trying- will make it worth it in the end.



I was introduced to this song a couple months ago, and it has such a good message. Especially when hard times hit.

 

Keep running.

Life With MORE Than A Fibula

Did you know I'm missing a fibula? ;)

"Missing" might not be the right word.

In December of 2012, almost two years ago, I was faced with harsh news:

Cancer recurrence. This time, the cancer is in your jaw bone. The fix? Removing all of a fibula, except for the top and bottom 3-4"... so that the ligaments, tendons, etc. wouldn't be messed with.

On December 13, 2012, after finishing my semester finals only the day before, I underwent a 13 hour surgery. In this surgery, the doctors removed the fibula from my left leg, removed 2/3 of my mandible (lower jaw), and replaced the mandible with a portion of my fibula- among other things, which is not an important detail right now.

It sounds painful, and to be honest, it was. For a little bit. Getting out of bed to walk was definitely a hard hill to climb in my stay in the hospital.

My dad, me, and Haymitch the PT

I had given some thought to starting a blog, to getting my story out there, to sharing my experiences with others. In January 2013, a month after this surgery, "Life Without A Fibula" was born. I credit myself to coming up with this fancy, catchy (at least I think so) title. I have kept up with my medical journey over the last few years. I share my experiences of living life without a fibula.

Although I am living life without a fibula, life with only one fibula, I am living with SO much more than that. Let me tell you what I mean.

In a revelation given to Joseph Smith, Jr., the prophet of the restoration of the gospel on the earth in the 1800s, the Lord explains a little something about trials:

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaw of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7)

What could possibly be good about going through hard things? A man named Orson F. Whitney said:

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God ... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.

You may not believe what I do. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, often called a "Mormon." I have the faith, belief, and testimony as to why we are here on the earth, and where we are going when this life is over. I believe that we are on this earth to learn and grow.

Earth life can be compared to leaving home for college. Once on our own, we choose for ourselves if we will follow what we know or believe is right. We are not obeying only to please our parents, who are no longer right with us, teaching us the way to go. As we left the presence of our Heavenly Father, we: one, gained a physical body; and two, are given the chance through our agency to obey the word of God.

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Life is more than our deficiencies, our weaknesses, our regrets, our insecurities. It's not about the pain we've felt, but the good we experience. It's not about the hardships in life, but the blessings we see. It's not what we don't have, but what we DO have. 

As stated before, I am living with so much more than just one fibula. Just a few good things I live with are:

An eternal family. I know that families can be together forever. I know that the family is central to God's plan. The gospel is all about families. Being in a family doesn't mean that things are always easy and peaceful, but it does mean that we are growing and learning together. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else for eternity except my family.

The blessings of the temple. The temple is the House of the Lord, and as such, it is a reverent and holy place. I know that I can feel the presence of our Lord in His house. I have the amazing opportunity of serving a mission there, five days a week. One day is out of the grounds, and the other four days I am inside the temple in different areas. I am grateful for the peace that comes from the temple, and the work done there is holy and eternal.
My patriarchal blessing. Everyone, after being baptized a member of the Church, is entitled to a patriarchal blessing. In this blessing (which comes from the Lord, through a patriarch) is for the benefit of the receiver. In this blessing is personal guidance, blessings, and truth directed to you. My patriarchal blessing has been a huge comfort to me as I read and re-read it (yes, the blessing is recorded, transcribed and delivered to you- so you can read it as often as you want).


The atonement of Jesus Christ. I have been taking a class on the Atonement in Institute. The atonement is what makes the difference between our imperfect lives and returning to our Heavenly Father again. The atonement is what enables us, redeems us, and uplifts us. It is through Christ that we are saved, after all we can do. What do we need to do? LET the atonement change our lives.

I may have lost physically, some have it worse. I have gained spiritually, more than I thought I could. The gospel is amazing, in that sense. Because I choose to look at what I have, because of the gospel, because of Jesus Christ, because of the atonement, I am HAPPY. Truly, happy.

Keep running!

Something About the Sun

When I received news that my cancer was back, about this time two years ago, it was hard for me to make "the call," and to let all my friends know what I had just received news about.

I still remember sitting in my truck, parked on the curb outside of Dairy Queen, just about to start my shift. It was hard to tell my friends this news. But hey, I was headed to a place where I could make all the free ice cream I wanted. And free ice cream makes everyone happy, doesn't it? Just kidding.

One friend in particular, I had become close with that semester. She and I had been on a date, and the best quality I think she has is her overwhelming love of the gospel- it radiates through her attitude, and she is always smiling. When I told her the news, she was sad. Just like I was. Her perspective really helped me in light of the news.

She called me and said, "Erik! I have a little present I want to give to you. Do you want to stop by sometime and get it?"

I explained that I was about to go to work, and I'd be done around 11:45 that night. She said, "Okay, well let me know when you are done!"

When she said that, I knew it was going to be something pretty neat. Neat enough to want to give to me at just about midnight. But really, what college student is asleep by midnight on a Saturday night?

After work, I gave her a call. She lived in on-campus housing, so she told me to meet her down by the lobby doors. She handed me a little envelope, gave me a smile and some well-wishing words and told me goodnight. I walked back and got in my car, and just sat. I opened the envelope and the top of the page said "10 Reasons to be Happy!" and was filled with reasons of blessings that I have, despite the bad news I just received.

That list has been hanging in my room for the last two years. I look at it a lot. It reminds me that there are always blessings. All you have to do is look.

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The first reason on my list of "10 Reasons to be Happy!" was this:

I have

1. You are alive, and the sun is still shining! (Well, depending on what time of the day you read this)

I have looked at this list many times in the last two years. Just last week, it hit me.... the sun is still shining!

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized: the sun is always shining!

Think about it: the sun never stops shining. It is us that think the sun isn't there, when in reality, it is just shining on the other side of the world. So the question is: where in the world are you?

Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten Son of the Father. I don't think that the word "sun" was just randomly made up. I know that our Savior is the reason that is is always sunny, spiritually speaking.

Have you ever been on an airplane? Think of an overcast day. You arrive and it's not too bright outside. The sky is a whitish/dark blue. Once you are on your plane, it backs off from the terminal. It heads to the runway, and slowly, lifts off the ground, and you are traveling away from the airport- that quick. Slowly, it ascends, through the clouds and higher in the sky. For a minute, the clearance is barely anything. All you can be seen outside the window is cloud. But when you have risen above all the clouds, higher into the sky, you see the sun. It's still bright. The sky is bluer than blue. And below, you see nothing but the clouds you just rose above. The sun was shining the whole time.

When the world seems dark, when trials seem unending, when it seems like there is no light in your life... remember that there always is! Just do one thing: change your thinking. Think happier. Think brighter.

Thanks, Nicole. I don't think you realized how deep your advice was.

Keep running.